Homework battles

[theQuibbler]

I would really value some ideas and advice about how to tackle homework battles in a better way.

I have had the weekend from hell over homework with my 8 yr old. Arguing, tantrums, shouting slammed doors, escalating behaviour on both sides – I hold my hands up and admit I got drawn into the spiral with a lot of empty threats – and I just think there has to be a better way.

He doesn’t find homework easy at all but when he concentrates and focuses then he does it well. But it takes so long to get to that point. When we say time for homework – it immediately triggers an almost hysterical response – with tears and shouting and: “No, I won’t, I won’t – why do I have to? “ and so on. I keep calm for a while but it takes me getting cross before he will sit down and do it. And I really dislike his attitude which is all about how little he can do and trying to negotiate doing the bare minimum.

I hate the whole, “if you don’t, then I will take away xxx” conversation but the reward chart doesn’t seem to motivate him to do his homework.

I want to take the heat out of the whole thing because it’s frustrating for both of us, but I don’t know how to do it or what other strategies to try …

TIA

He's just too young to be doing homework. It's of little point in primary school. Give it a year or two and see if he matures into it.

I find that setting a routine (and reaffirming it every September and the start of the new school year).

In our house, the children do the following every single week, without exception:

• Monday to Thursday - Children read aloud to a parent before they have dinner
• Friday - No reading. Homework must be done in full as soon as they get home from school.
• Saturday and Sunday - half an hours reading to themselves in bed before lights out.

There are therefore no surprises. I sometimes get some 'kicking off' about homework. I remind them of the homework requirement from Thursday. ie, "Remember that tomorrow afterschool you will have to do your homework". Then in Friday morning "Remember that after school tonight you'll need to do...". Then again on the way home from school on Friday: "When we get home...".

Predictable routine is what works for my family.

That is definitely a possibility – he is quite young for his age. But he goes to a school that is rated outstanding and is highly academic and they very much value homework.

He gets a ton of it - I do actually think too much. I don’t think they would countenance him not doing it at all.

My DS is 8, and we have had similar battles. They may well be too young for homework at this age, but you get stuck in a cycle - the school want them to do it, they don't want to be the only one not handing it in, but at the same time, they don't want to do it. I'm not sure on the benefits of homework at this age, but I'm not prepared to make my children deal with the effects of my stance when they are the ones at school.

My DS is a little better now, though he still has his moments. I don't take any crying or moaning, or any stamping at all. They don't do that at school when a teacher asks them to work. He's doing it at home because he knows he can get away with it - it works! Anything like that is met with a 10 minute spell in his room, but it is made clear that he will be back to complete homework. We also tie good behaviour in with bedtimes - so if he had a huge tantrum and slammed his door that night, he would be going to bed at the early bedtime, not the late.

What has been most successful for us is tying it in with what he wants. Which is computer time. Be it Xbox, PC or whatever. DS loves Minecraft, and always hopes to have time on it after school. He gets some time, once his homework is done (if he has any), and it works like this:

Hypothetical example: he has one piece of homework that should take no more than 15 minutes. He starts at 4pm. He is told that he should complete his homework (and neatly - though this may take more time, it's taken us about 6 months to get to this point), and then it is computer time until 5pm. If he finishes his homework in 15 minutes, he gets 45 minutes on the computer. If he whines and procrastinates, and it takes him 50 minutes, then he gets 10 minutes on the computer. Computer time is over at 5pm. Not finishing homework by 5pm means no screen time for that day. Rinse and repeat the next day.

It is HARD to find a balance. I don't want him to hate homework, but at the same time I don't want him to think he can have a strop and get out of doing it because I'm a soft touch. Our strategy works with us, though it has taken time (we also have a treat box on a Fri for good behaviour all week), because we are strict with it, consistent, and we do monitor the homework - if something is just too tough, we take a different approach.

If you are getting nowhere with him and nothing works, simply tell him that you aren't spending hours moaning at him. The 4-5pm thing works because it's limited time - who wants to spend hours over homework? Tell him you will write a note to the teacher saying he refused to do it. Homework shouldn't be taking over your life.

Take a step back. Once we put our children in charge of their own homework we immensely cut down on the battles. We offer helpful hints "don't forget it's Brownie night so you won't have time to do your homework later". We've found less kicking off (works same way as ignoring a toddler tantrum). If they choose not to do it, then consequences come from school.

It has meant that I've had to let the DC submit homework that was done less well than I'd like, but actually I've found as they get older that they do seem to understand that a quick scribble is not good enough.

Shit, that was long! Sorry!

Get him to decide a time and a place, much easier to say - you said you were going to do your homework now rather than Do your homework now

No, not at all thank you, PfftTheMagicDraco, - that does sound useful. He loves Minecraft as well and would do anything to get at it!

I probably do need to hand him some more responsibility, drwitch and redskybynight, but I am worried that he will just abdicate it altogether. Though that would bring about consequences from school ...

It's just the volume of work he has to do and he's not quick at it. I am thinking about a homework chart so that he can see it and we can agree what to do each night.
For example this week – he has to complete a book review of at least 3 paragraphs and draw an accompanying picture.
Prepare a presentation for show and tell.
Make an entry in his reading journal
Two language work sheets (punctuation and comprehension)
Learn 7 words for spelling test
Numeracy – prepare for times table testing
Complete 2 work sheets on multiplication and division.

It is a lot for him - it really is...

No idea what you can do - and my DS is now 13 and rarely puts any effort into doing his homework.

I think as red says, just take a step back - if my son gets into trouble for not doing his homework then that's his problem.

I think sometimes as parents we want our children to do their homework beautifully, put the effort in etc because some how that reflects back on us doing a good job of being a supportive parent (IYSWIM).

That is a ridiculous amount for any 8 year old IMO. I think you should speak to the school. I would have expected spellings, tables, reading journal and possibly 1 other task as a maximum.

That's a lot of homework!

I succumb to bribery I'm afraid. He sits down and does his homework without any fuss and he gets a sweet it something and the rest of the evening to do as he pleases.

Tbh the biggest threat is the wrath of his teacher!

Book review, have a standard structure... The most exciting event in this book was... The main character in this book is x who.... I would (not) read another book by this author because...

Spellings - write them out each morning before breakfast.

Tables - practise in car, etc

Then go for the Minecraft carrot - homework and minecraft time will be an hour, as described above.

Hypothetical example: he has one piece of homework that should take no more than 15 minutes. He starts at 4pm. He is told that he should complete his homework (and neatly - though this may take more time, it's taken us about 6 months to get to this point), and then it is computer time until 5pm. If he finishes his homework in 15 minutes, he gets 45 minutes on the computer. If he whines and procrastinates, and it takes him 50 minutes, then he gets 10 minutes on the computer. Computer time is over at 5pm. Not finishing homework by 5pm means no screen time for that day. Rinse and repeat the next day

I find this method brilliant, and use it with my 6 and 4 year olds for getting ready for school. I found they were just messing around, taking 30 minutes to eat a bowl of cereal, 20 minutes to get dressed...it was frustrating for us all, I was losing my temper (morning rush hour is not my favourite time) and the situation was spiralling.

Now I've introduced I Pad time in the morning it's all changed. We get up at around 7.30 and have to leave for school at 8.30. In that time they need to eat breakfast, wash and do teeth and get dressed...as soon as it's done they can have their IPad until 8.30. They've soon realised that if they get up, wash and dress in ten minutes then eat a decent breakfast in 15 minutes they can get over half an hour on the IPad.

Re the spelling test - I so them verbally with ds and he writes them out two or three times instead of everyday. We do this on the way to school. He almost always gets full marks in the test so his teacher hasn't quibbled it yet!

I would try and make 5.30-7 (for instance) 'Homework and Minecraft time'.

He can have minecraft as soon as his homework's done to a decent standard. Hopefully he'll realise that half an hour of homework is worth it if he then gets an hour on minecraft. Whether you want him on minecraft for an hour every night is a different matter, but it may be better than constant arguments and tears.

I think galena makes some good points about splitting it down into different tasks at different times.

The main purpose of homework should be (I say should as it's been lost) teaching one how to self study and continue education alone. Obviously there can be other benefits to it such as consolidating/improving knowledge, but if this is the only outcome wanted then the school day should be longer. The value in homework is the independent study aspect.

By facilitating his understanding of how different tasks could be done at different times and utilising different times (such as times tables in the car) then you'll be really helping him learn some good life lessons.

Re tables, when I was a child we had a times tables song tape which we always had on in the car on the way to school. I knew all of them off by heart by 8/9 up to 13 so maybe that could be something you could investigate? Once you know those tables, it's a homework which will barely need to be bothered with.

IME there is no answer to this problem, except to more or less do the sodding stuff for them.

It doesn't matter, primary school HW before late Y5/6 has no bearing on their SATs marks or future attitude to HW at secondary.

They simply instinctively rebel against school coming home and actually find it very confusing.

Small DCs are petrified of doing their HW except exactly as the teacher wants it. Since HW is often vague and open ended they literally freeze.

HW is the one good thing about the rebellious phase many 9/10 year olds have. It actually gets far easier because they have a confidence to have a go without fearing adult disapproval.

That's an insane amount. My 7yo would struggle to do it if she worked all weekend.

Have you tried sitting down with him and planning out what would be the best slots for his homework? Let him choose, including planning in his own rewards/breaks, so he creates a timetable that he then sticks to. Eg a couple of nights a week are out for cubs, swimming etc... Don't just tell him he needs to do his work on the other days, start by asking him how much he could done each day and let him figure it out for himself. What's the best time to get your work done so you can make the most of your weekends? And tie it in to other things - spellings at breakfast, times tables on the way to school, for example. He might come up with some innovative ideas. Whatever he suggests write it all down, then go through the 'long list' with him, each getting to veto options you don't like.

I think that sitting down and planning it out in a timetable is definitely something to look at and I really appreciate the suggestions about breaking it down into manageable chunks for him at different times, so it is not so overwhelming.

I also think that the homework and minecraft/gametime plan is something that would motivate him.

Thanks very much for the suggestions – I feel as though I can start to work out a plan that might, over time, reduce the tension and stress that we are experiencing.

In this house there are no computer games Mon-Wed, this has changed ds considerably with regards to homework.

I found that he was rushing homework to get onto his game and there was no point to it.

He normally gets homework on a Friday, to be handed in on the following Wednesday. Before he is allowed on any games on a Saturday he must complete a section of homework. This week he's had Maths, spelling, sentences (using the words he has to learn for spelling test). He's also got a project to work on which needs to be handed in at the next half term. Luckily the project is WW1 related so he's in his element and has drawn some pictures already (unheard of before). He then has to complete a small section on Sunday and the rest Mon or Tue.

We then read in the week but as before we had a battle and a whinge now we do this at bedtime (easy for me as I only have the one) he's on chapter books so I get him to read a full page then we take it in turns, he loves this approach, he still loves me reading to him

Gosh, that does sound a lot of homework. DD is also 8 and this week got two worksheets to do this week - maths and English comprehension. Neither took her more than about ten minutes. I do slightly question the value of something you can do in ten minutes flat without even thinking about it, but that's a separate issue!

I also had a long running homework battle with my DCs. I have now introduced a computer ban Monday to Thursday as it was the only way to fit in after school activities plus doing homework. There are still some moans but much less.

She, I have to say that although there was initial moaning from ds at the thought of no computer M-W everything is now fine, in fact on the days ds isn't allowed on any electronic device he's a much happier boy! He knows he's not going on anything and there's not that rush to get things done.

My DD always did a bit of work in the morning after breakfast. It started with a game/play when she was very young, which gradually moved to online games and paper-based workbooks. It is only 15-20 minutes per day but makes such a difference. It is a part of her everyday routine and she knows I will not let her take a day off so she does get on with it, like brushing her teeth. I try my hardest to put her in bed in good time, so she gets up rested and ready, which I think is a key. Now that she is preparing for 11plus and competition in the class has started to heat up, she seems to appreciate the value of her efforts more.

I agree Frog both DCs are much happier on non computer days. I tried for ages giving limited screen time but this didn't work for us and caused endless arguments. It works better for us just not to have it at all, homework is less frantic because there's nothing to rush off to.