Feedback from reception teacher - how much to expect?

[TychosNose]

Dd (pfb) is three weeks in and I'm getting no feedback about what's going on.

I suffer from anxiety and have a non-sleeping baby so I may have unreasonable expectations (possibly sufffering from pnd).

How much information can I reasonably expect to get from the teachers?
I can see that dd is struggling but have no idea what's happening between dropping her off and picking her up.

Is this normal? Am I just being neurotic?

In what way is she struggling? If you have concerns, you need to raise them with the teacher. Just ask at home time if you could have a few minutes or make an appointment to have a chat before or after school.

The end of the day is usually the best time to have a quick chat. You just need to say 'can I ask how xxx is getting on please? Is she joining in/speaking up/eating her lunch? etc whatever it is that you're worried about. If you don't ask, you're unlikely to get much feedback until parents evening (ours is in Oct just before half term).

Totally agree with above. And normal to hear diddly squat from your DC about what they've done all day.

A lot of kids struggle in Reception....crying at drop-off, not playing with other kids, behaviour etc. Vast majority sorts itself out in the first term. Normal to be worried though, especially with a new baby around the the horrors of sleep deprivation. You're not neurotic!

Thank you for your reply Fin

She's just very tearful and doesn't want to go. I haven't actually seen the teacher all this week. It seems there might have been a supply teacher in some days according to dd. at home time a TA from another class usually brings dd out so there's no opportunity to ask then.

I'm just wondering if I should expect more or just get used to not knowing.

Thanks for the other replies too. Taking me ages to post.

What way is she struggling? And what do you actually want to know?

Both the struggling and the little feedback is totally normal.

If you'll be happy with just saying "Hi, I wondered how you feel dd is settling?" Then at the school door end of the day is fine.
However I get the impression you want a little more than a "yes, she's fine, I have to remind her to remember her lunch box, but other than that she's doing really well" type answer.
In which case I'd suggest you just grab the teacher at the end of the day and say something along the lines of "I'm a bit worried about dd settling, I wondered if I could make an appointment to see you for about 10 minutes after school one day." They probably will be totally happy to do that, may say come in straight away. but if they don't it gives them a day to quietly observe her knowing that they're going to be talking about her to you.

If you believed my ds (now year 3) about what he's done at school you would believe he'd done almost nothing except play football since he started.

Gosh, a term seems a long time to be miserable waiting to things to sort themselves out. Poor dd! Hope she settles quicker than that.

What I'd like to know is whether she's sitting on her own quietly sobbing for long periods during the day, which is what I can imagine.

Like I say, I don't see the teacher at pick up.
I suppose I have to call the school to arrange to meet with the teacher outside school hours? Does the receptionist arrange these sorts of things or do I have to call outside school hours to arrange with the teacher directly?

Sounds as if I'm just worrying. Are most mums happy with not knowing then?

Oh but that's the worst case. Loads of kids are tearful and don't want to go in the first few weeks. It may be that she brightens up the second you go! That's what mine apparently did at nursery. It does break your heart though. I heard from DS1 in his first term in Reception that 'no-one plays with me,' I was so sad and asked his teacher. She said he is very popular and that two of his friends had actually fallen out the previous week because they both wanted to be his best friend! Sometimes they can give an impression they are miserable when actually they are not. It may also be that she picks up a bit on your anxiety about her and slightly exaggerates her reluctance to go (I am sure DS almost played up the 'no-one to play with' stuff more when I seemed so concerned).

But your teacher should be able to put your mind at rest. With school, no news is quite good news! They only contact you when something is a real issue.

Thank you for taking the time to reply.

Has she got a reading record or anything like that yet which gets checked regularly? I have been writing any queries in that as I know it will be seen. However my questions have been more around what they are learning so far, rather than the emotional side of things, so could understand if you would rather speak face to face.

Very few children sob beyond the first few minutes, and I suspect they might have wanted to talk to you if she was. I have only known one child who did sob intermittently all day in all my dc (3 of them) years, and the school kept the parent very much on top of what was happening.

Either phone the receptionist and ask to arrange it, or you could drop her a note/email if you have one. I would say that you're worried because she is getting upset and not wanting to go, and how can you help. And hopefully between you and the teacher you can find some ways of helping her, but she's probably one of several who are similar.

Thank you. I didn't think of writing in her planner. I could try that though I'm not sure if anyone checks it regularly - I guess I'll find out.

She's not crying when I drop her off, it's more that she looks very upset when I pick her up (though delighted when she sees me of course).

She's pretty reserved and solitary and I suppose I'm concerned that no one would notice her upset, given they have so many children, all bigger and mostly louder than dd.

Is she waiting for you to pick her up? Mine used to get distraught if I arrived even ten seconds later than she came out of the classroom. Getting there a few minutes early so that I was the first thing she saw as she came to the door really helped her to feel confident (I think she was worried I might forget her, because, you know, I'm always doing things like that - NOT).

Is she tired/hungry at the end of the day? Even now in Y3, mine gets a bit weepy if she is tired and/or hungry. She's also a fairly reserved and contained child who would never let her upset out at school. I tend to always have a small snack (rice cakes or something) lurking in my bag so I can deal with hunger if that's the issue.

Maybe she finds the getting everything together at the end of the day stressful. It's a lot to remember for someone very small.

In your shoes, I would email the school office if you don't have a direct email for the teacher or just pop in after drop off and ask if you could make an appointment to see the teacher as soon as practical.

Hi TychosNose:

Just thought I'd add that the change from nursery to Year R can be a real shock. At nursery I got tons of information - had a good day, napped well, ate all her lunch/ etc... and diddly squat in Class R. And most Mums find this change very difficult - no we're not happy with lack of information. But many schools want to establish that these Year R pupils are 'big kids' now and not 'babies'. I don't think it's a great attitude - 4 is really young - but 'stiff upper lip' and all that.

Crying in the mornings is normal and may well be a perfectly reasonable reaction to a changed environment/ not quite knowing what's going on/ and maybe even the instability of not having a regular person teaching her.

I think writing in the planner is good - if that fails - try a quick e-mail via the school's enquiry e-mail address. I tend to put PLEASE PASS ON TO MISS X in the subject line and repeat it in the opening of the e-mail. Keep it brief - but say that you are aware your DD is going into class upset and say that you'd like to understand she is upset or not in class.

I think it is more difficult with a new baby on the scene and I think you may need to understand that your DD may feel a little like you're pushing her off into this new place to have time with your new child - on some deep level. So reassuring her that she's still your baby and much loved may be even more important just now. Also don't underestimate how tiring starting Year R can be on little ones.

I'm unclear if the teacher is simply ill/ away on training or if there is going to be a stream of substitutes. However substitutes vary and some can be awful - so this may also be upsetting your child (new person/ new rules/ maybe short tempers). If you find there is a stream of substitutes get talking to other parents in the school ground and as a group of parents let senior management know you want this resolved swiftly - young children need stability and routine. Obviously people get ill/ move jobs/ leave - and this is difficult to manage for - but the school shouldn't allow lots of different substitutes to continue for too long, especially in Year R.

I would call the office and explain that you want a 10 min meeting with her teacher after school one day next week - there is no point trying to grab the teacher at pick up time, it will be too busy and she will be rushing. Also if it's arranged in advance then the teacher has chance to observe your DD and think about the situation and how to help.

Also do you get any chances to chat to your DD about her day - will she tell you anything? My DS has just started school and every morning is tearful and clings to me but then comes home and tells me about loads of fun things he has done and how much he loves being a big boy at school. But I know he is unusual amongst my friends kids in hope much he tells me.

Even after years at nursery (mine started at 8 months old!) it's still a massive change for them.

How big is the school?

DD has been at 3 primaries - in the nursery at the first (25 kids) and then in Reception at the other two (she got a place at our first choice 3 weeks into the first term) both with 2 form intake. I was impressed that at all the schools they rang me the first couple of days just to say that she was fine, and she wasn't one that was in tears as I left, and then later on in the first term they also called if she had been unhappy in the morning when I left.

On the whole, they brighten up within a few minutes of your leaving.

As far as DD is concerned she either does 'nothing' all day, or can't remember. I have yet to actually get a description of a single activity. Every class has a blog and the staff update it at least once a week with details of what they have been doing and loads of photos.

As DD goes to After-school club, I rarely see her actual teachers and can't grab a quick chat. I do have a notebook in her book-bag and if I'm worried about something I write it in that and the teacher writes a reply. I probably only used it 4 times in the whole of the Reception year and the teachers wrote a couple of things to me as well.

Parent's evenings were helpful and I realised after the first one that they had her number and was reassured that they would contact me if there were any issues.

It is normal to worry though, especially if you are used to daily feedback from a nursery.

seriously make an appointment with the teacher. You won't be seen as weird/ neurotic is what she would expect you to do. I was on the edge of doing this in relation to dd1 (y1) There were a couple of things I was quite worried about in the first couple of weeks. The only reason I didn't was dd was erm, I can handle it myself when I mentioned it to her.

But seriously talking to parents if they are worried is part of a teachers job.

We have a whiteboard outside the Reception playground detailing everything they have done that day and news from the teacher. I thought all schools did that tbh. Could you suggest it?

I'm a Reception teacher and I make a point of speaking to any parents whose child is having difficulty settling as often as I can, in fact either my TA or I will phone a parent later in the morning if a child has come in crying to let them know if the child has settled. If it's more than just a few minutes crying after a parent leaves then I would definitely make sure I spoke to the parents and talked about how we could improve the situation. But if she's not actually crying it may be that the teacher isn't aware that she is upset and may actually find your input helpful. Please don't feel like you can't communicate with the school or that you are being a nuisance in any way. It's a long time to wait until parents evenings and it's not going to help your anxiety.