prep school+dd anxiety advice

[neppy]

I am a previous poster who wishes to remain anonymous for this more personal post. I also need the collective wisdom of other mumsneters!

Background: My 7 yr old dd started prep school a few weeks ago. She had gone to the pre-prep for 1.5 years before this. So, she wasn't entirely new to the school, but the setting was different. We like her school - it's not a hothouse and is not academically selective. The balance of boys to girls is a concern. There are very few girls in her class (5 with 2 of them are close cousins) and none of her type. She's a bookworm who likes outdoor adventures (climbing walls, canoeing, camping) rather than sports. She has a slight physical disability that makes traditional sports difficult. Other than that, she's chatty and vivacious and unconventional. She's the kind of kid that runs around with lab goggles and white coat, and hunts for bugs in the garden and rushes them to her microscope.

Academically, she is doing beautifully. In fact, I worry that she has perfectionist tendencies. She's also at the top of her class in this regard. I do not worry about her academic future at all. She's the girl that many of the parents like and push their kids to be friends with little success.

I am worried about her increasing anxiety with symptoms manifesting in a variety of ways. I also worry about her lack of girl friends. She feels isolated from the other girls who are either very sporty or very, very girly and in bonded groups. She has some boy friends, but they are increasingly pressured not to be friends with her because she's a girl. She's feeling friendless, rejected, isolated and like "mouldy, old cheese".

She has some friends outside of school, but can't see them frequently for various reasons. She'll see other friends maybe 1-2 a month.

In short - she has terrible daily stomach pains. I thought at first she was developing food allergies and intolerance, but have ruled it out. She has difficulty falling asleep because of worries. On bad nights, she doesn't fall asleep until 11. This was the case all summer as she was worried about starting prep! She has also recently developed a persistent scalp itch which has no obvious cause. There's no dandruff, scaliness, or nits to be seen! I think that these symptoms are part of a cycle of worry and anxiety.

As a mother, I have difficulty tackling some of the social issues with other parents as well as I am 1) a foreigner and 2) very hearing impaired as a result of an illness a few years ago. This illness was also a terrible time for her (and us), but we got through it! As a side note, people do not notice my impairment, but I avoid group situations as a result because I cannot hear!

How do I work with the school to help her? How do I bring this to the attention of her GP? Should I? Would they be able to help?

Should we consider another school for dd? My dh wants to look at girls' schools as he thinks that they would have other types of girls...I am reticent to move her - but I would do anything to help her anxiety and obvious long term social stress!

Any words of advice? I am going to talk to her teacher about the situation in the next 2-3 days. I am just not sure what avenues of help are available to me in the UK.

I think you should look at other schools for your daughter. I got sent to a private school which was very boy heavy and it was hell. I feel a that a girl needs to be in a class which is truely coed ie. 50-50 or at a girls school. Otherwise you have a situtation where a girl is essentially attending a boys school. Thankfully my parents moved me to a girls school and I was so much happier.

I also suggest you take your daughter to your GP.

My instinct is that the class peergroup is just far too small. We make friends primarily by having common interests. Your dd needs some friends and to have some fun.

I don't think that there is going to be much that the school of GP can help with (unless there is another class in her yeargroup which has more girls?). You are going to have to look at other schools. At least academically she is doing well, which will help her settle.

In the longterm your child will be more affected by her cohort than by the school itself. The school will not have chosen to be this imbalanced - indeed at senior level schools try very hard to get a balance across both classes and yeargroups.

I wish there was another class in her year group, but there's not. There's also 12 boys in her year. I think the school is about 25-30% girls tbh. In one of the year groups, there are 2 classes: one mixed and the other all boys.

Thanks for the different perspectives. DH and I are talking about it. I think I'll give some girls schools a ring to have a look round. I should also say that if we moved her, we would have to move as well. We are out in the country somewhat!

Having been one of a tiny number of girls at a boys prep school, my advice would be to move her to an all-girls school asap.

How upsetting to know that at 7 she is showing signs of anxiety for a problem that can be easily solved.
I wouldn't waste time talking to teachers, there is nothing they can do about the peer group in her year. I would move her to either an all girls school or one with a more balanced number of boys and girls in her year.

I think there is far too few girls - sorry but unless she was a tomboy I would be worried. Your really need at least 10 girls to have a chance of finding a friend.

Is there a state school around?
Are you saying there are only 5 girls of her age in a radius of 30 miles or so?

Thanks for the advice. I've ordered loads of books for her and I to work through!

Mummytime- Of course there are state schools around and many are good too. But, the state system doesn't work for our family. Both dh and I travel a lot overseas (not at the same time) and we need after school support. We found that the provision of clubs and after school child care to be in very short supply at the local state schools with waiting lists as well. The year she was in a state reception, she had no chance of any of the clubs geared for her age group and a huge waiting list for after school care. She also didn't like being held back academically and I had to scramble for childcare every few months. Other than that, the state school, teachers and other kids were lovely.

When we moved to be closer to dh's work, we decided to send her to a private school especially as there are plenty of clubs on offer, they would give her more academic freedom and we wouldn't need to worry about after school care. Now, dh's work doesn't care where he lives and we have the opportunity to get a good fit school-wise.

Okay - if you might be moving anyway, thats fine. Otherwise I would look for a CM or even Nanny and move to a state school.
My eldest was miserable for the first term of Infant school because she was the only girl in her class to do full days from the start, even though she spent a lot of the afternoons paired with the other class (which had more girls full time).

For most girls it is important to have female friends, and 5 is just too small a grouping. (In some tiny schools it seems to work because all years mix a lot, but I'm not a fan of tiny schools personally, maybe I just have awkward kids).

You should move her to an all girls and ideally academically selective school, you will get more of her type.