Sad reception child - reassure me about friendships!

[HopefulHamster]

My son is in his second week at reception. Previously he was at a private nursery (due to our working hours) and a couple of girls have gone up with him, but no one else he knows. His best mates have gone to other local schools. The boys in the class are largely from the school's own nursery, with two others that already knew each other.

My son's quite shy naturally and summer-born if that makes a difference. He is okay on the walk to school but bursts into tears in the classroom. I leave pretty quick and apparently he takes ten mins to settle or so. None of the other kids are upset. He's happy at pick-up but has mentioned a few times that he 'doesn't have any friends'.

How long does it take to make friendship groups? I'm really gutted for him.

The teacher was trying to pair him up with some boys but it hasn't worked out. I gather he's now hanging around more with the girls which is fine, but I know from what he's said before that he's already at that 'girls play with girls, boys play with boys' stage (not encouraged by us but hey ho).

He's going to be with these kids for at least seven years. Does it just take a while for them to find out what their common interests are etc? What if the others are all the rough and tumble type and mine is the only one who would rather be playing superheroes or talking about Lego?

I know these are semi-ridiculous pfb concerns but I feel so sad for him. He's a lovely boy and has had really close friendships before. I can't bear to think of him being shut out.

He will find his place, I'm sure. My DS1 is the oldest in his year (just started Y1) and he LOVES talking about superheroes and playing with Lego. He is very confident and it still took him a good few weeks to explore all the different personalities in the class and start to build friendships. He was very close to our neighbour's DD for the first few months but now has a little gaggle of boys he plays with too. It will come, it's early days and the staff will keep an eye on it. Don't stress yourself worrying about him!

They are Pfb concerns, but very real ones. So don't apologise.

The whole point of Reception is to give them TIME to settle in.

My Ds was the same, his friends went to different schools or another group. He would come home and say he had no friends, of course he neglected to mention he had plenty of people to play with.

We think of them as been lonely when they say this, but they aren't.

He eventually got his own little group of boys he played with. Then the conversation went from having no friends to how badly his friend had annoyed him that day

It's horrible to see your child upset but this really is early days. There is so much going on that he has to adapt too. Sounds like he is settling pretty quickly (10 minutes is really not that long) and that the teacher is helping by trying to encourage friendships.

I do think it takes time. My DS didn't really have a friendship group until Y4 - more he played with whoever happened to be about. He also struggled with friends as a lot of the boys in his year group were football mad and he wasn't. He generally did find someone to play with though. The way Reception is set up there is a lot of free play time and you'll soon find that he'll (e.g.) pal up with the other child who likes building with the blocks if that's the thing that interests him!

One thing I would suggest is that it's worth having DC back to play after school or to meet others in the park after school (suitable park allowing of course!). It's definitely much easier for the DC to get to know each other away from the hustle and bustle of the classroom.

OP it's heartbreaking, isn't it. Magic wand time. I am just trusting to the fact that DD is actually a sweet person and gentle but fun and funny and I'm sure she will find her friends.

Her teacher said to me that she thinks DD may be one of those people who just has one or two very special friends, rather than a gaggle, and that's fine too.

God, how am I going to cope when some idiot breaks her heart?

My DD as like this and eventually found another girl in the class in the same predicament. They became good friends. He will settle down soon enough and the teachers will work hard to make it happen too. It is sad while it's happening though, bless him.

Oh, I feel your pain! It does get better, I promise.
My DD went into reception after having been FT at private nursery. She didn't know a soul at school.
Her teacher encouraged mixed play and there was a friendship bench in the playground for anyone who didn't have anyone to play with. And the lunchtime supervisors chatted with DD (to the point that I was getting worried DD was too attached to then rather than her peers). Y6 children were also asked to lead playtime activities which included the younger children.
Your school could offer some of these!
But, if he's playing with girls, does it matter? As long as he's happy doing so. It doesn't matter if he's not the rough and tumble type at the moment.
It does get better, I promise. And I later found out that while my DD had been saying she'd played alone all day, this turned out to be far from the truth!

In many ways reception is the toughest year (and most important) year of education. It is early days and many children find it tough to make new friends expecially if most of the children attended the school nursery.

My son took about four to six weeks to settle in and make a group of friends. I realise this might not be practical if you are working, but could you possibly pick your son up once a week so you could get to meet some of the other mothers?

I felt exactly like this about ds2. Mainly because he has difficulty dealing with school in an emotional sense and really struggled in the beginning with the space issues in the classroom and rules. I thought he would end up the naughty boy that nobody would want to play with. It took a few months but he did start to build some friendships. He has a lot of girl friends, which is fine by me and I am so relieved that despite a really rocky start, he has come on in leaps and bounds.
I am sure he will feel settled in no time!

I was ready to write the exact same post after pfb's second day after he got sad about talking about playtime and not playing with anyone! He knew no-one in his class before going, naturally shy and takes time to get his confidence in new situations. He has lots of friends, some he calls best friends, but like his mum and dad he takes his time in getting know someone :-) I have to remember he made most of these friendships himself, and time will allow him to form new friends.

As for how we are trying to help him, like redsky mentioned we are trying to help him find time to socialise outside the classroom. We are fortunate in that a boy in his class (also only knows one other child) is going to before school club and the same childminder. I also make a point of making sure he sees me talking to other mums or dads on the one day i dont work, in the hope he copies in school! As a family we're making sure we attend the social events, both school and community, so that ds can interact with his class mates as much as possible. Im sure in time there will be play-dates too

OP you have my sympathies. My ds has cried every morning so far. I can see him trying to be really brave as he lines up and then he starts wiping his eyes and gulping before bursting into floods. It's heartbreaking.
He tells me he feels sad at school and that day is too long without me. (Gulp)
I actually work at the school part time and so I do see him in the playground and often he is playing alone or playing with some of the older kids. My dd did this for a long while tho hand now she happy in a big group of friends and loves school...they get there in the end.
He's my second, so I know that this will hopefully pass, but it doesn't make it any easier. (ESP as I actually dislike his TA who is hard nosed and quick tempered, but that's a whole other story)
We put kisses in my sons pocket so that if he feels sad at school he can pull one out and know we love him. He asks for them every morning so I guess they might help?
They are so, so little (summer born here too) and it's a huge thing to do, it takes the a long time to adjust. I actually think they are too little, but if you miss out reception I also think it would be harder to go straight into y1.
I don't know what the answer is...but you do have my heartfelt sympathy.

Hi Hopeful:

I don't have boys (two DDs) but in all sincerity in Year R - children are still playing alongside each other rather than with each other - especially if closer to 4. Certainly in our case neither of our girls had 'great pals' in Year R - but by the end I started to twig they were playing with a regular set of 'friends' - and that stayed pretty solid throughout.

My advice is have a good look around the playground and point out to your DS what he could be doing:

using trikes/ scooters the school supplies
using skipping ropes the school supplies
playing on climbing frame
balancing on tires or logs
playing hop scotch
using the climbing wall
etc....

Most schools have a separate play area for Year R - so he won't be navigating play with 'big kids' - but my advice is at home you should try and work on some 'ball' skills.

Catching
throwing
kicking

Football is big in most schools

But you can also bounce balls against walls - a kind of hand-ball game. (alone or with others) - the ball can only bounce once and then has to hit the wall, the next person (or you if single player) hits it toward the ground (one bounce only) and then hits the wall. Play until someone doesn't bounce the ball once or bounces the ball more than once. This works best with a tennis ball (or similar) - but can work with basketball or similar (possibly easier for little ones).

If he doesn't want to play 'tig' or run round the playground he doesn't have to. Many schools will allow children to bring out a book, use chalks on the playground pavement/ asphalt, take paper and crayons out to draw.

I think in general at breaks children are looking to do something fun - so if you point out some fun things you DS can do you'll be helping him to look like he's having fun and most likely other children will join in. Encourage him to let anyone who wants to join him in play.

As ever time is the solution - and in time he will have friends.

In the meantime - birthday parties always help break the ice and help you put names to faces/ meet other parents.

If there are clubs which are of interest to him - cubs, sport, art, etc... - consider having him join them. That will help too.

HTH

Thank you for the lovely replies. I'm 8 months pregnant so a little hormonal at the moment and there might have been some tears of my own (never in sight of my son!).

The good thing about being 8 months pregnant is that leaving work has coincided with starting school, so fortunately I am doing the school run. I've arranged for one play date tomorrow and might try for another in the week as there's a little boy who's just moved to the next road to us in his class.

I honestly don't mind him playing with the girls, one of his closest 'out of nursery' friends is a girl, but at the same time I know he thinks he should be playing with boys, iyswim - but when they have playtime the boys are running off and zooming around, and he's standing back and watching.

I'm trying to think back to when I was at school and I don't think I had any special friends in infants. And even in juniors there were girls whose houses I went to but not really a 'best mate'. I remember wishing for one, but coping without (I was also a bit of a geek).

Will cross my fingers it will sort itself out in the next few weeks. He's such a loyal good friend to his little mates, he just needs to find someone like himself.

Hi Hopeful:

Yep - I suspect this is partly the hormones - which will be raging at 8 months pregnant.

Play dates are a great idea and will help a lot. The new neighbour (so another new boy missing his friends) may be just the thing.

Genuinely - it really takes most of Year R to make those first friendships.

Encourage your DS to be nice to everyone and to make his own fun (both useful skills in life).

HTH

Oh my goodness - this could've been me and my DS during his reception year in 2011... I too was 8 months pregnant and my DS was crying going into school each morning. He too went to a private nursery and joined a lovely infant school but it was BIG (3 class intake) and he knew no-one. He cried going in every day (had to be pulled off me by TA most mornings), cried every breaktime, cried every lunchtime, said he played with no-one all day. I used to leave the playground each morning trying not to cry too .

At nursery, he was top of the tree - masses of friends, very confident. I was so surprised and upset that his start to reception was so awful!

He stayed very close to the girls to begin with - only mentioned girls names as people he spent time with. I did worry he wouldnt make any friends at all as all he did was play with girls and cry - I thought no boys would want to make friends with him!! But I didnt need to worry about it at all - they chop and change during reception year, so don't worry too much if he only plays with girls - they are more gentle / quieter than boys, so I know my DS felt safer with the girls. PLus, if a child says they played with no-one, its usually complete rubbish (spies in the playground said they always saw my DS with someone!)

Fast foward 3 years and my son has just started junior school. He is a very popular little chap (with both kids and teachers). He did have a wobble last thursday morning on his 2nd day at Juniors - very busy and chaotic and he got all worried about losing his class queue. He cried most of reception year going in, got better for summer term then it started again in yr 1 for a while, and yr 2. I got used to it in the end - he's just sensitive! He's popular, confident but sensitive. He also never joined in at birthday parties for most of reception year - sat on the edge and said everyone was being too rough screaming around a village hall. He's fine with them now.

Sorry, long post (mostly about my son!) but I just wanted to let you know its completely normal and fine. You will be feeling super hormonal due to pregnancy - one brilliant thing to do once you've given birth is to take your newborn into the classroom to show your sons reception class - he will be so proud, you will meet his teacher and fellow pupils. Ask the teacher once baby arrives, lots of parents have done this at our school - literally only for 5mins after morning registration, but its a great icebreaker.

Good luck with school AND your new baby!

You people are making me cry!

PastSellBy - thanks for the big list of advice. The new neighbour isn't new to the school unfortunately (well, fortunately for him!) but as his mum is due too I'm thinking it might be useful for all of us to get to know them especially once it gets to half term and we're both struggling with newborns and 4-year-olds!

Ah Sugarhoops it is similar! It's a three-class intake as well so the size of the school is pretty overwhelming. Good idea about the baby, he's really excited about his little brother/sister so I think he'd like that :)

Fishstix, I like the idea about the kisses :)

Sorry to have not replied to everyone personally, but taking all advice in and trying not to be too misty-eyed :)

OP, I would keep on speaking to the teachers. The first time that DD came home and said she hadn't had anyone to play with I went straight into the school the next day to ask if they could keep an eye on her. I didn't necessarily want them to do anything about it, but just to make sure that she was OK.

They told me, however, that she was very slow at eating her lunch and that by the time she'd finished all the other children in her class were outside playing so when she went out she couldn't join in. So she would walk around with one of the MTAs and the older children would run over and ask her to join in their games. DD is VERY tiny (the smallest in the school) so is very popular with the older ones . Since then (she's just started in Yr1) she has never had a day where she's had no-one to play with. Her confidence has grown and now she is happy to play with anyone of any age.

It will come for your DS, but definitely have a word again. You may find that actually he is playing with others without even realizing it.

Ah yes KE - you're jogging my memory now, my DS was also mega slow at eating lunch. IN fact he hated lunch hour the most - he said that the dinner ladies were always rushing him to eat up / stacking up chairs around him but he was so scared about leaving stuff on his plate (they apparently told him off if he did?!?) he was always last out and then couldn't find his friends to play with.

We remedied this by giving him packed lunches for a while - quicker to eat, he could stay with his friends and go outside to play when they did. Although this was in the day before free school meals so not sure how people feel now about giving up free school meals to make packed lunches every day! Little things can make a big difference to a 4 year old!

The thing to remember is that the nursery children will play with each other initially as they are nervous too about moving into new class / big school / new teacher / new playground - so they stick with those they know at first even if they aren't that friendly. !!! This will soon change as they get to know the new ones. In nursery they will have swopped and changed friends loads of times too.

Hopeful - the up side is that with a 3 form entry school there are much more children to choose friends from e.g a quiet studious boy will find people similar, a footy and sport mad girl will find others like her. It seems a huge school when age 4 but is brilliant as they progress.

DD has told me all week that she doesn't know any of the children's names except one and hasn't played with anyone.

Earlier we went to the park where she was immediately dragged off to play by two kids from her class. They all knew each others names

Are you sure he doesn't have any friends? DD spent most of her first term telling me she didn't have any friends and that she spent every playtime all by herself because no one would play with her, I spoke to her teacher who listed off who DD was friends with and that afternoon when DD did her nobody plays with me speech we had a conversation which went something along the lines of

what about x, y and z? didn't they play with you?
'oh yeah, x played with me, so did y actually and z but they haven't said they're my friends'
have you asked them?
'no'

Next day DD skips out of school, 'Mummy I asked x, y and z and they said we were best friends'

We have a class meeting thing on Friday so maybe I'll get to speak to the teacher more then - she does seem very nice/approachable.

He definitely isn't playing with many kids - the teacher has already told me that when she tried to pair him with some boys it didn't really work.

He did however mention a girl today that he spoke about yesterday so hopefully that's progress. They went on the classroom computer together or something :)

Annoyingly the playdate I thought I'd arranged for tomorrow is now hanging out in the park next to school, which probably isn't a bad idea but my DS is as likely to turn into a 'cling-on' as a social butterfly in those circumstances, whereas at home he'd probably happily show off all his things. I asked the other mum about doing something and she was 'maybe next week' so we'll see.

I won't force it too much and will see what happens over the coming weeks. As I say he's always happy when I pick him up, it's just going in that's the major problem, and the fact that when you ask him about his day he will say no one is his friend. It probably doesn't help that he's a sensitive kid - ie even if someone he likes shouts in his ear or pushes him about (in a friendly way) he doesn't like it. I've tried to encourage him to ignore that kind of thing and say they're only playing, but he doesn't get it. Maybe it's a maturity thing?

I really wouldn't worry about the boy/ girl thing. I think at nursery it filters in from older brothers and sisters and they say it without really meaning it. dd is in y1 and she plays equally with boys and girls. We have a boy coming for a playdate after school today . She went through a 'not liking boys' (well apart from the ones she knew) when she was at nursery

Thanks, fortunately it's got a bit better as the week's gone on.

Wednesday we went to the park with another boy from his class and they mostly got on really well, laughing and giggling at everything. The other boy is a bit more confident physically, so was shaking my son when he was on a balance wire thing (which DS didn't like) and more able to jump off climbing frames and things, but it was still good. Not sure they'll be besties but it's a start, eh? :)

Yesterday he came running out with a pile of artwork shouting 'mummy, I didn't cry once today!'

He still can't name many of the kids and still says he isn't friends with anyone but I'm getting more hopeful. He's been enjoying the school lunches - ESPECIALLY the desserts, so unlike people on most of the other threads I'm quite grateful to them!

He was crying at every drop off but yesterday and today I've been able to say to him 'go and stand at the window and wave at me when I walk past' and it's somehow prevented him from crumpling into a sobbing mess. The TA has been helping with that too.

That's funny, the puddings were always a huge consolation to my DS to having to go to school, he knew the 3 week rotating menu off by heart before half term in yr r and used to look foward to certain puds. He has just started secondary and he is still the same, he was upset first day when the published cream eclair was not available! ( I will now get flamed for encouraging my kids to eat unhealthy food.). It took my DS a couple of years to make friends but he wasn't worried about it, I think it's only a problem if it upsets your DS, there is nothing wrong with playing by yourself if that's what you want, in fact it's a useful thing to be able to do, kids can't go on play dates every day.