Both dc's in different classrooms to their best friends and getting very upset about it.

[Worryworker]

DD has just started yr 3 and DS yr 1. DD has always had one or two close friends that she sticks with rather than lots of different friends. She met her 'best friend' in at pre-school. This is the case with DS too- met his best friend at pre-school and they were thick as thieves. DS had an extended group of friends but was mainly him and his bf.

Both were very upset when told in July they were going to be in different classes to their bf's. I was miffed to be honest as to why they were separated. Could understand if DD and/or DS and their bf's caused problems in classroom but was never any trouble.

Returning to school yesterday, both seemed ok but after the realisation sunk in about not being with their bf's both were very distraught this morning. DD began shouting, saying she didn't want to go to school, DS clung onto my DH once in classroom which isn't like him at all. I know it's still early days but I feel annoyed they've both been separated from their good friends, especially as they're both sensitive children.

Anyone else had experience of this? Does it get better? Hate seeing them so upset and feel powerless to do anything about it.

I think you just need to present an outward appearance of calm and reassurance and they'll be fine in a few days. It is usual in our school to totally mix up the classes each year and the children become resilient to this. Sometimes, although children get on well they may not be a good influence on each other in class (distraction, chatting) and the teachers separate them. My friend's school keep the classes the same each year and that has brought a lot of problems with cliques and troublemakers.

I agree with code. Present it to the dc as a good thing. An opportunity to make new friends and they will see best friends in playground. I think its good for dc generally to not be heavily reliant on one or two children. I know yours don't think that right now, but they will settle if you support them with it.

Focus on the positives, being able to play together at break and lunchtime etc. and maybe organise some play dates with their BFs so you can say that they are having tea with BF next week.
They will adapt, especially if you don't buy into it being a huge drama.

There will have been very good reasons for separating them.
You need to be the adult and help them to settle in and make friendships in their respective classes.
They will still see each other at break time and outside school.
They will be fine.

At DS1's primary school the classes were always mixed up at the start of year 3. It was a good opportunity to deal with all sorts of issues and personalities. The teachers had spent a great deal of time and effort sorting it out. 2 parents kicked off and made a huge fuss, the HT caved in and agreed that for the first time ever the usual changes would not happen.

It was a disaster.

My children go to a huge school and so are often split from friends.

My oldest is in year 5 now and I was at athletics the other day with her whole year group and I was just thinking how well it worked. They were all chatting away and are so comfortable with each other. And I know so many of them myself as dd has been in classes with them.

Shes had a fair few close friends but still plays with people not in her class that she made friends with years ago at play times etc.

Thank you code and Dancing. In July when they were told they'd be separated from their bf's I did say how it was a good opportunity to make new friends, still see their bf at play times etc and this is something I tried to continue to reinforce over hols.

As you said code, can understand if children distracting each other etc but was never told of any issues/problems when attended parents evenings.

I just find it really harsh at this age to do this. Fingers crossed things will improve- would be awful if both continued to not want to go to school.

OP - they need to learn to cope with change, to make friends with new people, to develop confidence in new groups.
They will have to do it at 11, at 16, and again at 18.
The longer they go without having to develop these skills the harder life will be.
The school is thinking ahead, to the life skills they will need in the future.

I agree too. My dd had a best friend from nursery and they were each other's everything for the next 5 years at school. Swore to be BFFs forever and never to be separated. All wonderful.

Until dd was abruptly 'dumped' by this BFF late in year 4. Dd was distraught beyond anything I'd ever seen, utterly inconsolable and heartbroken. And I'd say she's not 100pc over it, even though she's started year 6 and they are still friendly towards each other.

When things are going swimmingly it's very east to buy into the whole best friends idea but things don't always stay that way forever and I now encourage all my children to mingle as much as possible!

I've seen both sides of this. My dds originally went to a very small girls school, one class in each year group, fewer than 20 children in a class, so they stayed in this group year after year. For one of them this resulted in a very close set of friendships where all the girls got on well, were supportive and happy. The other's class slowly became more fragmented, cliquey and actually pretty unpleasant.

Now they are at a very large school, eight classes per year group in juniors, and they are mixed every year. The result is a huge circle of friends and acquaintances for both of them. They have in-class friends and friends they see at break and lunchtime, they have become good at making friends and, crucially, less dependent on "best friends" with all the anguish that causes when they fall out.

It is hard for them at the beginning of a year but you need to be positive, as everyone else says and it will be OK. I would predict that in a few weeks you will wonder what you were so worried about (which is easy for me to say).

Worry, it might not have been anything to do with your children and their best friends, sometimes classes are mixed to make sure one class doesn't have a higher share of e.g. Boys, girls, children with SEN, 'lively' characters etc. not saying your kid is lively but hopefully you see what I mean.

It's good in the longer term to keep mixing them up. As others have said the whole year group get to know each other and eventually there's always someone around that they know and can chat with. We all remember horrible cliques and the pain of 'intense friend' fallouts- this is a good way to develop early strategies for dealing with this later in school life. Keep cheerful and relaxed and they will learn not to be fearful.

Thank you everyone for sharing your advice/experiences.

I can see how this will be of benefit longer term and I am being positive about it, trying to get them to see the positives (eg: new friendships). I do remember cliques when I was at school and how horrid girls can be to each other!

I suppose it's just hard to see your child upset and trying to remain upbeat. I particularly would like my DD to be more confident and assertive so hopefully this will help her longer term. I suppose it's a case of being cruel to be kind really isn't it?!

It will help, honestly. My dd is a sensitive type too and has struggled with it. But, its something she's had to do as well, and it really has improved her confidence when going into new situations with new people. I think it did her the world of good.

Thank you DancingDinosaur.

DD has always had one or two close friends that she sticks with rather than lots of different friends. She met her 'best friend' in at pre-school. This is the case with DS too- met his best friend at pre-school and they were thick as thieves. DS had an extended group of friends but was mainly him and his bf.
..and this is very probably why they split them up from their bfs.School is not just academic development, they about educating children socially as well.They probably thought your DC need a bit more practice at making friends.As others have said , in a couple of weeks you will all wonder what the fuss was about

We are going through this as well with DS just going into Y3. It's reassuring to read ahout other people's positive experiences because he has been absolutely gutted about it all summer despite my efforts to reassure him. They've split his friendship group very oddly (to my eye) - three of them are together in one class, and DS and the boy he's by far the least close to are in the other, both separate from their best friends. It will all come out in the wash, I suppose, but there have been tears :( I've spoken to the mum of the boy he's with and we're going to do some playdates after school, as apparently the other lad's been distraught as well.

It's so difficult isn't it spiderlight? Seems unfair to split your DS's friendship group like that. Play dates after school are a good idea though. DS was telling me that he and his bf have now 'split up' but he doesn't want that! Have suggested play date next week which got him excited.

DD spoke of new friend she made today-helped to reassure me!

our school has a big mix up every year. One of mine has been kept with SOME of her friends each time, the other one has been split from her only 2 friends. she was devastated BUT it seems she is with the right teacher and TA for her, she is with some lovely children from the other class and I think she now has the opportunity to make a wider group of friends. She too is realising this and of course she has seen how her sister has stayed very good friends with others in the other class from her. This week seems to have gone well friendship wise which was my one big concern for DD2.

It IS difficult for them at first but equally like has been said it is something they have to get used to. DD2 had the added issue that her best friend left last term too and I think in some ways mixing with a wider group of children will make a move like that less devastating (well she was only just turned 5 so it was really sad, even the TAs cried when the 2 girls said goodbye to each other) when/if it happens again at some stage.

All you can do is reassure them that they still have their friends, fix up a few playdates with them and let them work it out themselves. Remember it could be a combination of things making them be unhappy this week. I think all my mum friends have reported stroppiness, tears or general problems this week with their children regardless of whether or not they appear happy going into school.