How to show a needy child in class that I care?

[evelynmaybooth]

I have a six year old girl in my class (started end of May and having them next year) who is very sensitive and has a hard time trusting me as her new teacher. She doesn't have the easiest life at home but I thought we were building a relationship even though she is often upset by seemingly minor incidents. She will frequently come to me crying in the day and I am accommodating as much as I can fairly be with 29 other children. However she has started saying I don't care about her. She says 'you don't like me! You don't care about me! When I pushed ... You only cared about her! When you care about someone you hold their hand all the time and talk to them all the time!' When she isn't upset she certainly doesn't want to hold my hand but at these times she will say 'I always want to hold your hand but I can't because other children are!' How can I show I do care while helping her to understand a more appropriate definition of caring?? I go to her slowly and approach like she is a frightened animal at these times and through gently telling her I care even when I'm not with her or speaking to her she is reassured and she will be comforted and say she believes me eventually. But later in the day we will go back to square one. I feel like she does genuinely need validation and special attention and a reminder that she is held in mind but I can't be unfair to the other children. Thanks!

I'm not a teacher, but I think I would be trying to find out more about her home life. It sounds like she may be having more to deal with than you know about.

She sounds desperate for love and care and someone who is just for her. That would normally be a parent (grandparent, carer etc). It does sound like she is not receiving that at all. I don't know it all works, but can you see there is any social services involvement with the family? I suppose you've told the Head about this little one. She's trying to tell you something without telling you IYSWIM.

Is there someone in the school who takes care of the pastoral side who could spend sometime with her and build a special relationship? I can imagine it's very difficult when you've got so many children to teach. Involving your colleagues is the important thing here.

I echo what ButEmily says- this behaviour is consistent with insecure or disorganised attachment and possible neglect or abuse. Please raise her behaviour with the safeguarding officer in school. If you have already done so, there are some techniques you can try.

First of all, focus on keeping her in mind, and letting her know that you are thinking of her. Break any task she has down into smaller tasks, so she knows that she can check in with you frequently.

Ask her what she is going to do that evening, and then ask her about it first thing in the morning.

You could introduce two small identical objects, such as marbles, ribbons or kinder toys, which each of you keeps in your pocket throughout the day. Taking this object out and letting her see you doing so will let her know that you are thinking of her when you are not able to tell her. You could hold the object whilst talking to the whole class, for example.

This website has some good tips and background information.

I'd also recommend this book

I must stress though that these behaviours do raise some concern, so please ensure that the right people know about them.

Good luck- and well done for this. Many children are written off as 'needy', and it's great that you are taking the time to explore strategies for her.

I was a TA and also voluntary family-support helper, and it does sound as if there could be real 'issues' in her life.

Please advise your Head, or a pastoral worker, and don't shoulder all the responsibility yourself. Probably there is not real cause for concern, but I think it needs to be monitored. As you well know, there have been many instances when everyone has left monitoring or intervention to someone else, sometimes with disastrous consequences.

I don't mean to be alarmist, but do tread carefully.

I have nothing to add except my continued admiration and respect for what teachers deal with every day.

does your school have ELSA? If so then they might be able to help.

I really, really don't think this is your job, as a teacher. It sounds like her family should be encouraged to seek professional help as you can't fill whatever gap they leave behind .

I love tethersend's advice. I saw Louise Bomber at a conference and was blown away.
And well done for hanging in there OP.