Advice needed: DD starting Reception in Sept

[whichway]

Hello,

I am not from the UK, my husband is British. I am committed to making this work (living in the UK), but I am having major difficulties adjusting to the cultural differences between the UK and my country of origin when it comes to schooling. I realize that I will have to do most of the compromising. What I am looking for is some advice on how to negotiate things with the school (if there is any room for negotiation), and how to find a way to do things that will work for our family. (In case you were wondering, yes, I have looked at foreign mums forums as well).

Here are some of the main issues I am having.

1. My Dd turned 4 in June. I don't believe she is mature enough to spend all that time away from home. I have requested to discuss the option of attending part time, but I haven't heard anything back from the school. When/If they contact me I am sure it will be to dismiss my concerns and tell me that in their experience by making her attend full time I would giving her the best possible start. I expect to hear a lot of "Oh, she'll cope" and to get a lot of condescending looks. She is 4, she shouldn't have to cope. I know my mentality is very un-British, and that's just the problem. Is there anything at all I can say to the school to get them to agree to let DD attend part-time for a few months?

2)Hygiene issues. DD is toilet trained but will hold it in until the last possible second. When we are at home sometimes she will just run to the bathroom by herself and barely make it. At nursery it is a non-issue because she can stay dry for 3 hours. She has never had an accident at nursery, but she has never been to the bathroom either. She does not tell me or any of her nursery school teachers when she needs to go. She just starts hopping around.

I know she WILL wet herself when she goes to school from 9am-3pm. And I know it will happen a lot. In a few months things will be different, she will be older and understand what she is supposed to do. But right now she just doesn't "get it" in spite of my best efforts (reward charts, lots of praise, etc) . I.e. : she is not ready to be gone from home for longer than the 3 hours she spends at nursery.

Will she cope? Yes of course, eventually she will get it. But how many times will she come home with bright purple skin down there from prolonged contact with urine or poo? How long will a teacher who has to mind another 29 children leave dd in her own filth? How many UTIs before she "gets it"? How do I convince myself that somehow this is what's best for my child vs attending part time until she is a bit more mature?

3)DD gets sick a lot. It seems to be expected that children will go to school unless they are passed out in their own vomit. The standard GP will tell you " it's a virus" no matter what, load them up on Paracetamol and they are good to go. I would be ok with it if the teacher would be willing to keep the sick child indoors during the colder months. But no such luck! A child with a chest infection (whether it is actually viral it remains to be seen) will be shooed outside with the others, will be encouraged to play with water and mud, get their sleeves/knees wet, and be left like that for hours.
" It will dry up eventually" is the standard answer. I have heard it a lot at nursery. And each and every time Dd's cough takes a turn for the worse.

Has anyone ever asked to keep their child indoors when they are poorly? Is that even an option?

I am acutely aware that by British standards I am over protective. By my country's standards I am average. I live here, I need to find a way to survive. Any advice would be welcome. Snarky replies would not surprise me in the slightest, but it would be nice if you would kindly just skip my post if you have no actual advice.

Thank you in advance for any all all replies!

I'm hoping that because I can legally not start my child till the summer term the school will be open to letting him do a staggered start rather than losing 2 terms funding

Reception is basically Nursery+ as far as I can see.

DD is at a big London primary - there are never any problems over accidents and lots of reminders to use the loo. DD was late to give up nappies and is utterly useless remembering even now that she's 5. I just send a spare set of undies/tights/socks everyday and there has never been any problem with the school - it's normal. There's even a huge box of spare uniform for the purpose.

I sent DD full-time to a primary nursery at 3.5 so she was already used to the long days - she did a breakfast/after-school club as well so 8.00am to 6.00pm every day and was sadly very un-tired at the end of the day unlike her parents. A huge number of children in the UK are in daycare/nursery from 8-6 from the age of 1.

The current reception class has a big pile of cushions in a corner of the room where children can take a nap or just sit and look at a book if they get tired.

You can defer till the summer term and that is your right to choose, but I believe part-time is up to the school.

To be honest, I would do full-time from the start, otherwise your child is joining a class with established friendship groups, children who know how it all works in terms of routines, rules, where things are etc and also way into when they have started learning to read and write.

Much easier imo to learn phonics games with everyone else at the beginning then to try and catch-up. Even at this age, children are very aware if they are the one that can't do what everyone else can.

Part-time also means dragging your child away from games with their friends and halfway through projects - I remember a screaming fit all the way down the road when I took DD home from nursery after the 2nd half-day when she started nursery at 3.5 (and this a child who until a month before had had such severe separation anxiety that we were referred for specialist help). We did full-days from then onwards.

Remember, your child isn't the only summer baby going into a class of September babies. There will be a whole range - she very unlikely to be the youngest in the class. In my DD's class, over 50% of the kids are May/June/July/August birthdays.

I really do think that going to the toilet will be fine, all schools have to cope with a certain amount of accidents and they are well equipped to cope.

With regards to being ill and going outside, most schools will be as accommodating as possible but it is hard for schools to be overly flexible and I think if you feel she is not well enough then you may have to make the choice to keep her at home on the odd ill day.

However I think you make a point about being mature enough and although she may well be fine it is okay to want to discuss options and come up with a plan that best suits her needs.

I just thought I would post a quick update and take the opportunity to thank you all again for the advice and support.

I finally had THE TALK with the school about DD going part time. They were actually ok with it. I almost passed out I was so relieved!

I had an informal conversation with one of the TAs a few weeks ago and she told me she was against the idea of part-time attendance, so I had braced myself for an argument.

Instead this morning I spoke with one of the teachers and she said it was fine and that we could do partial part-time (a few mornings per week), or whatever combination worked best.

I have some time to think about it, and most importantly to observe dd. She might get better when it comes to toileting in the next couple of months. And my greatest hope is that she will not get sick as often this school year, because her immune system should have somewhat adjusted to coping with many viruses. I haven't discussed the issue of absences due to illness with dd's teacher yet, but I feel a bit more hopeful that they will be somewhat flexible.

Great news, it will be so much easier to chat about things now you know they are open and positive to your ideas.

I should hear tomorrow if the head will speak to me about part time or not.

That's fantastic news. Thanks for letting us know!

Am I the only one desperate to know what country OP is from that makes her normal?

(foreigner myself)

ps: ime they send the kids home pretty fast, saying "I feel sick" is the fastest ticket home a child can discover.

Well I just got an e-mail from DS school to say they wont even discuss part time with me unless he has a doctors note to say he can't do full time.
I'm glad your school is more understanding.

English it is your right to choose part time, not up to the school. You must do what you think I'd right, there is nothing they can do about it. If you haven't seen it already, there is useful info on the FB group I mentioned above.

Don't stress re the toileting. They are so used to dealing with it, it will be fine.

Re the illness, if they're sick, they're sick. It's totally up to you whether you send them in or it. I found that DS was fine in school because his immune system was so well developed from nursery!

CelticPromise- as far as I can see, legally I have a right to defer his place until the summer and I have a right to request part time, but part time can be decided by the school.
I am hoping that when they realise that if they do not accept part time it means he wont start at all till January or April, that they might re consider the part time option.

My understanding is that the school must offer part time in reception (but can't insist on it) and its the school who can determine what hours constitute part time (mornings only etc).

So you can insist on part time for any terms before a child's birthday but can't insist that this means Mondays, Tuesdays and alternative Thursday afternoons.

Hopefully that is the case BarbarianMum- I am going to phone up the admissions office on Monday and see if they can offer any advice.

My dd started full time at four, as the school insisted on it, and there were reasons too lengthy for this post that meant we chose not to leave it another year or two before she started, although I wish we had been able to leave it one more year as she wasn't happy at all for the first year, and was really not ready for school. Anyway, the school is highly unlikely to agree to part time, but some do until 5, so it is worth asking.
Re the illness thing, if mine have a virus, or a sore throat, or a cough, or a tummy ache etc etc they STAY HOME. I don't understand why anyone sends a sick child into school, they just pass it round the whole class, the teacher gets ill, it is much better to not send them in unless they are well. I have a frail elderly mother in a care home, and a friend going through chemo, so I try and avoid us getting bugs and I wish others followed suit. it does mean the school moan about dd2's attendance, she is tummy upset prone, and I will not send her in unless all is back to normal, which takes days.
Re accidents, clean pants and tights/skirt/trousers in her bag every day. But there is a while yet until September and she may be more able to manage it all by then.
Oh and generally if it is wet then the children are inside rather than out.

Until compulsory school age you don't have to send them. It's nice if the school agrees, but it's really up to you if you want them to go full time. I'm sorry your school wasn't supportive helly. We are fortunate to have arranged delayed entry for our August born premature boyand he will go into reception aged five. I hate the inflexibility of the system- some kids are simply not ready.

I know this thread went a bit cold, but despite so many mentioning that a summer child must start at Easter latest, it is simply not true. Your June born doesn't have to start until the last day of the summer term and still keep her place at school and there is nothing that school can of about it. Regarding pissing off the school - if I thought the delay is in the best interest of the child I would go it regardless that the head or TAs think about it, if they make your life difficult in the long run because of this I would be seriously wondering if you chose the right school in the first place.

That's true, bemybebe. Many people seem to have the idea that a deferred child must start school at the beginning of a term but there is no requirement to do it like that. If I wanted to delay my child's school start as long as possible while not losing the school place, I would do as you describe.