advice on school for shy introvert dd

[knickernicker]

DD is 8. We moved her from state primary to independent school last year for Academic reasons. I knee this was a risk because she doesnt make new friends easily.
Whilst we have been very with dd's academic progress this year, ad I feared shes really not settled socially and today cried because in a year she's made no friends. It's a nice happy school but nothing in place for children who are anxious and shy.
Now I am in a dilemma. I can't bare her to be lonely. If we leave her she had no friends but stability. Her friend from her old school has moved to a lovely state Catholic school that is full. Should I try applying tho she's not Catholic and no spaces now? If she got in shed be with her best friend. To me this would be so beneficial to her self confidence. To dp, it would just he a crutch to a child who'd be shy wherever she goes.
Any ideas? Thanks

The school won't do anything for anxious and shy dcs? Not good. But I agree with your dh, sending her to a school simply to be with her bf is not a good idea and would be too much of a crutch. What about other schools in the area that are bigger - independent school classes are often too small ime for friendship groups to flourish.

I absolutely understand your delimma but think that time and a bit of craftiness on your part may solve the friendship side of things. You've moved your child once already - and that's disruptive enough.

DD2 often felt she had no friends at her old school (we've in fact changed schools) - when in fact what she meant is she wasn't going on many play dates (because DH & I work organising that after school in the week can be tricky and our weekends are usually packed with birthday parties for DDs to go to / swimming lessons/ etc...) + visiting friends/ family (as we'd rather like a social life too!). She's actually still seeing friends from the old school and making friends at the new school. They're not huge numbers - but somehow I think they're sincere long-term friendships.

Does your DD belong to outside activities? Swimming/ dance/ brownies/ sports? If not - first things first have her join some after school clubs next year - this really helps children to make friends/ settle. During the school day you're busy and can't really just play much.

Birthday parties are a great way to make friends/ break the ice/ get invited back yourself. It can be an expense - but you can throw a party in your own home or hire a school/ church hall. It is possible to just organise a few games and keep it simple. Generally I find as long as there is some cake and good nibbles + a party bag kids have a great time.

Shyness can mean you're slow to make friends - but it can also mean that your friendships are very strong. DH and I are actually very shy with new people and it takes years to feel we're good friends with people - but then again we're still seeing friends from nursery school days and our girls still enjoy play dates/ outings together. Sometimes slowly acquiring friends is no bad thing. It's not the number - it's the quality.

HTH

Having got a very shy dd, I wouldn't. Lets say there's a space in a term's time. What if she arrives and finds that old best friend now has a new best friend and doesn't want to know. It seems a little too much expectation on old friend.

Have you spoken to her teacher about her lack of friends? My DD2 used to report having no-one to play with at lunch and break when she was in Year1 and when I spoke to the teacher, she kept an eye on DD2 and reported to me that she saw her running around and playing games with other children at break-time. My DD2 had a tendency to turn her 'sometimes happens' into an 'always or never happens' You can't take her word alone. Have you tried inviting any children from the class home with your DD after school? At this stage, frustratingly, a lot of parents seemed to be managed their children's friendships, and parents who are friends, ensure their children are friends with those they know.

I don't think it is a good idea to follow her old best friend to a new school. My DD1 moved primary schools during Year2. She and another girl were best friends with no other friends and relied on each other as a crutch. I was worried about moving her but in the end I think it was the best thing we ever did for her. She settled into her new school and after about a year (Y4) she made some solid friendships. I hear that the other girl was able to branch out and make new friends too.

Try and look at small successes. Was there a day when she was included? Are there any girls who are kind? Has she been invited to any parties? Does she have people to eat lunch with? Does she and any of the other girls attend the same club out of school, or could DD join the same activity that a few of the girls are doing? Do the school have someone who could work with your DD to help her with her confidence? (Most schools do take this seriously these days)

a lot of parents seem to manage their children's friendships; parents who are friends, ensure their children are friends with those they know

Thank you all for your responses. DD does ballet and Brownies which her best friend goes to. She also does swimming which she's,getting good at. I'm glad has the chance to be active and to socialise at these groups but she's not made other friends thru them.
DD's school is small with only 4 other girls who are paired off. Teacher also reports dd being alone a lot. Yesterday dd said, "what's wrong with me? Why have I got no friends? I ask if I can play and they say no." It breaks my heart.
She hasn't been invited to parties. In fact one girl lives behind us and poor dd had to listen to her party going on in the garden knowing she wasn't invited. The Mums are nice and polite but not interested in getting to know me perhaps because there's nothing in it for them as their daughters aren't interested in mine.
I don't blame the other children. I know shy children don't give off an easy friendly vibe. The school prides itself on its friendliness and pastoral care but in reality they are geared up for more typical issues and rely on having a generally easy intake. They have absolutely no interest in being actively inclusive so no playground activities, buddy system, counselling etc.
This is why on balance I'm wondering about the friend's school. The girls there are at the brownie pack and dd says they're kinder than the girls,at school.

Thanks hutchblue. I think I will try to see the head. The thing is I will need to be clear in my mind about what the school should do and might be willing to do. Any tips appreciated on that?
DD is very sensitive not surprisingly, which also puts the brakes on friendsships developing. Shes acutely concerned about whether something would be authentic so, for example, when I've suggested inviting girls for tea, she's said that we can't because the girl would wonder why someone who'd not get friend is inviting her and wouldn't want to come.

Excuse typos above, should read, 'someone who is not her friend'.

knicker

I think it's odd they didn't include your daughter at this birthday party - but I think you have to realise sometimes parents say you can have 2 maybe 3 friends over for your party and someone ends up left out.

I know DD1 was invited to a sleepover at a friends and a few friends weren't. There were several reasons (one is rowdy/ one has swimming early the next day/ one is allergic to everything/ etc...) but some were just left out because the target of 5 friends chosen to come over was met.

Ask yourself this - have you invited any of these girls over yourself?

Have you had these girls over for a party?

Usually invitations are reciprocal - so perhaps it's time for you to make the first move.

Friendship isn't instantaneous - it can take years.

And - most importantly - although you can facilitate things a bit - you can't make this happen for your child. It has to happen naturally.

I think there being only 4 girls is a big big downside for the school. Obviously there's not much you or the school can do about that though.

It would have stopped me moving my dd there, and if in your position I would be looking to move to a school with a larger pool of potential friends.

Only 4 other girls is a very small intake. I would expect the school to go more out of their way to encourage friendships if that is the case. My DDs' school has a friendship bench where children sit if they are feeling sad/lonely and others know to go and see what they can do to include and cheer up that child. They have a lunch club which is for children who need some nurturing and some time out from the playground. They also have Y6 play leaders who go and play organised games with the younger children. Given what you have said about the school, it would not hurt to put your DD's name down at some other schools that will be able to offer a good standard of teaching and a friendlier environment. Then, if a place comes up and your DD is the one who wants to move, you could do that. But I would leave the decision up to her. I also only move her if you are going to put her in a school which is a feeder to the secondary school you intend to use.

It's great that she does ballet and Brownies and swimming. Use those to bolster her confidence and point out how brave she is to go to these things without needing a school friend with her. remind her that she is well liked at these activities and her lack of friends at her current school has little to do with her. It's hard for children that feel shy around other people. My DD1 is like a different child now she's in Year6. Getting involved in lots of extra curriculars in and out of school has really helped her, but so has been in a large school which swapped classes around every year. She's had really good practice of making new friends. More than I ever had.

Yes we have had all the irls over before but not even reciprocated. I know friendships take years but she gas bi companionship whatsoever, never mind friends. She is alone and lonely

Thanks bryte for your positive post. I'm wondering if I should email LEA to find out about which schools have these types of inclusive practices, sorry to use a buzz word but a true inclusive environment is what I think dd needs.

Have you had a meeting with her teacher? I would also ask them for suggestions on what can be done.

My eldest DS ( 9yrs old) is very shy and introverted but his teachers have been very supportive and this year his teacher ( who was new to the school and did not know DS's school history) was stunned to hear what DS used to be like.

He still is shy and introverted but handles school pretty well overall.

Things that worked for us:

outside of school activities especially things that are a little niche so he could feel he was brilliant.could contribute a lot to them. It really boosted his confidence when he developed a reputation as being really good at a particular skill at a club he attended

Also we encouraged him to do powerpoint presentations to his class (show and tell time) about his hobbies and what he loves. I would help him do the powerpoint and we'd rehearse at home. Because he picks a topic he loves - he felt ok about discussing it in front of the others and taking any questions. Now he does a few presentations a year to his 'audience' !

He stopped being the invisible child. Other children would go home telling their parents about to subject of his presentation and it seemed to step him up a gear. I would have parents saying " oh are you minipancakeflipper's mum?"

Our school have a friendship tree. Underneath are log seat and if lonely you go there.

The extra-curricula keeps my DS1 going. He had a crap day yesterday at school so I let him go out on his bike for 30mins and he headed off to see if boy who lives up the road from the year below was around to join him. And happy mood was restored.

Are there any other issues with her behaviour that might be hindering her? Is she a bit of a perfectionist? Does she put others on a pedestal? Does she view herself as inferior?

Oh sorry -I missed the bit about how few girls there are in class - that is hard... I am sorry for your daughter.

Thanks paper. Yes she does often view herself negatively and has perfectionism in some areas. She also has quite a strong core in that she can do e.g. brownie camp without getting homesick. She's an only child and very secure in my love for her.

You mentioned her bf, do they not still see each other? 5 girls in a year is too few and the school SHOULD be helping with this. Has term ended? I would either arrange a meeting asap or right at the beginning of next term and ask for some strategies to be put in place

Would I be crazy to try speaking to one or 2 of the girls'mums about this?

Of course not, tell them the situation and anyone decent should be able to help.

knicker:

I'd try a broach the subject - but extremely gently (maybe sideways - Oh, I'd hope DD would have settled better and made some friends by now. She's never asked to things.) Rather than directly ask anything.

But....

do please bear in mind you can't force people to be friends. This is an artificial situation and if those girls can't see your DD would make a lovely friend (which I'm sure she would) then that's their look out. There's no law that says you have to be friends with children only in your year group - try and encourage your daughter to be kind and helpful to younger pupils - that will result in friendships and at least make the school day more pleasant.

Also please realise that girls can be very fickle and extremely catty (especially privileged 'little angels'). Friends one week and deep enemies the next. It really is best to let her navigate this and learn how to deal with it in a way that suits her. You can advise and share your experience/ wisdom - but you have to accept at some point you can't control this any longer (she's not 2 and at a playgroup).

For many people - it's rare to still be friends with kids from primary as an adult. You go on to different senior schools and possibly different Universities. You make friends from shared hobbies/ interests and from work. This is a small part of her whole life - I know it will be hard for her to see it - but you need to trust that as she goes through life she will acquire friends. That process may be slow or she may unexpectedly flower and be at the centre of a great group of kids - but the point is that process is her process not yours.

HTH

Does your DD play with the boys? There are bound to be some who aren't football mad and happy to play with girls. My DD is similar, she plays with the boys but she likes football and that helps. Her school is a co-ed independent school with 20 in a year but it's a 50/50 boy/girl split and year 1&2, 3&4, 5&6 do lots together such as sports lessons e.g. The year 3&4 girls have sports together and the year 3&4 boys have sports together. This is an excellent way of broadening friendships in a small school. I am also very surprised that in a small school your DD has been excluded from parties, virtually all of the parties at DD school are whole class parties even in year 3 and those that aren't are all the girls or all the boys, I am not aware that she has missed any parties due to not being part of the in crowd. I think that is a bit of a concern and it might be worth mentioning to a couple of the other girls mums that she's finding it hard.

I think that you need to have a serious conversation with the school. In such a small school they should be absolutely on the ball regarding who plays with who. When DD was struggling the school kept a close eye on her, gave her house points when she had a happy playtime and she did a couple of extra lunchtime clubs to keep her busy so that she didn't feel lonely. A couple of times when things were hard the teacher also found her some very important jobs to do in the classroom with a couple of other girls. They have also been very good in the classroom at making the children work with different partners, rather than just who they want to work with and have done a lot of changing the classroom seating arrangements to mix the children a bit more. I would hope your school would be doing similar because that makes a real difference.