DD told not to tell us of incident at school

[Earlybird14]

Today my 10yo DD came out of school upset. she had fallen out with some girls in her class. All normal and all sorted by a sensible teacher. However once we got into the car she tells me that a TA had told her that if she told her parents about it and got us involved the TA would report her to her class teacher. My DD said that she was going to tell me and the TA retaliated by saying 'Your mum isn't the boss of this school'. A bit bizarre. I have phoned school and told them what happened as DD hysterical and scared. I said if DD has had a spat with her friends (daily occurrence at this age I remember) then I am happy they deal with it, but not happy she has been old not to tell us. Sounds very worrying to me. Isn't it a safeguarding thing?

That sounds very worrying. Why would the TA say that over a fairly common incident? Why wouldn't she want you to know something? Why is your DD so scared?
Did you speak to the class teacher or head teacher? I would try to see someone in the morning and take in a letter to handover if they say they can't see you immediately.

A part of the story is missing here.

Yes - definitely a safeguarding thing. Obviously there is room for misunderstanding, but at 10 yo, it seems less likely.

From what the sensible teacher said, the spat was sorted by her, she didn't mention TA. My DD said the TA was involved in playground, but didn't resolve it. DD is scared of sanctions imposed at school 'detention' if she gets into trouble (she is never in trouble). I spoke to DHT as HT not there. I do not know TA but her comments seem way over the top. DD has been feigning illness and getting sent home (2x in last 6 days), so I think something more is going on, but so worried by TA saying not to tell us, what if Dd is now too scared of consequences? It is so against everything I have taught her. It seems so irresponsible.

Sounds dodgy. Hope school sort it soon and dd is okay.

What did the DHT say they would do?

It sounds very odd.

The only thing I can think of is - is the TA a parent of one of the involved children?
Otherwise it's frankly bizarre on top of being unprofessional.
If your dd was a young child then possibly there would be more room to think she had misunderstood. At 10 it's more unlikely.
I just don't really understand what's in it for the TA otherwise?
If there is a bullying issue and the playground incident was part of that - the fact she didn't resolve it is really here nor there, it's up to the teaching staff not the TA so there's no employment reason to try and prevent her telling (although what an unprofessional way to go about it).

It would also be unusual ime for 'just' spats to lead to attempting to stay home unless a child was already at their anxiety limit. Can your dd explain more? She sounds quite worried about sanctions. I agree that a little digging needs to be done. Poor dd, I hope it's all sorted out soon.

All normal and all sorted by a sensible teacher. However once we got into the car she tells me that a TA had told her that if she told her parents about it and got us involved the TA would report her to her class teacher. My DD said that she was going to tell me

This is very weird. If it was sorted by sensible teacher, why was the TA involved? But also why, if the sensible teacher had sorted it would the TA think you would get involved? And surely if she did tell you, either you would go and complain-in which case her class teacher would know anyway or nothing would be said, in which case the TA wouldn't know that she's told.

The only things

I can think of is either:

1. You have, or the TA thinks you have, a history of getting involved over little things
2. Your dd said something to make the TA think she was going to ask you to go in and complain-which could have been the TA misinterpretting the situation, or perhaps one other girl saying to the TA "Earlybird's dd says she's going to tell her mum and then I'll be in trouble" or similar.

What I do find strange though, is your dd retorting to the TA that she was going to tell you. For a child who is afraid of getting a sanction that seems a little daring perhaps? All my dc, even dd1 who can be truthful at unhelpful moments, would have realised that was a moment to keep silent.
That makes me think there may have been more to this conversation than you have been told, perhaps more than your dd has realised as well.

But surely, dewee, if the ta thought that the dd was going to complain at home she'd still have no reason whatsoever to tell her not to? if she thought there was room for misinterpretation it'd be better to say, eg, yes, of course tell mum, and if she needs to ask me anything about it I'm here ?

And it's a good thing that the op's dd is so clear about how it's not ok for another adult to tell her to keep secrets, isnt it?

Agree it's a bit strange, though, and I'd be arranging a meeting at school ASAP. Hope it all sorts out.

Thanks! Hardly ever go up to school (I work 4 days ;)). There have been a couple of incidents in the last 6 years where I have been in, but all serious. DS had marks on his neck from another child strangling him, that was one, the other was to discuss son's work. I don't go in much at all. I was a teacher for many years so know what it is like and know when to bother. This has just thrown me as it seemed to come from nowhere and it turns out sensible teacher did not know of TAs involvement until I phoned. Fall out with DD spilled over after playtime so teacher sorted it. Do not know TA, but not related to children as far as I know. It is the fact that she told DD not to tell us that I am concerned with. Adults that say that worry me, especially in what is meant to be a safe place. I just do not know what should happen next regarding situation. DD obviously not happy at school, but can't get her to say anymore. I agree DeWee her retort was out of character, but I am so glad she said it. I think she just had just reached her limit and had enough of it. It broke our golden rule- no secrets.

Impossible to say, of course, but I wonder if your dd was not happy with the solution the teacher imposed (or maybe one of the other girls told her she'd not stick to it) and 'threatened' to get you involved. The TA's comment sounds very like the sort of thing that gets said to children who use their parents to try and circumvent school rules "My mum says its alright for me to climb trees" sort of thing. So maybe it was less 'don't tell your mum' and more 'you don't need to involve your mum'.

If you are not happy, go in and speak to them. But I think you are missing some critical bits of the story here, regarding what your dd said.

Did you get an answer from the school op?

School are still 'looking in to it'. Phoning me on Monday. barbarianmum the TA was involved before the teacher and it was teacher that sorted it as TA just inflamed situation. In fact girls involved in spat were here to play after school and when their parents arrived to collect them they too mentioned the TA had said this. Apparently this is not the first time TA has said this according to the other parents. This now concerns me more as how many children has this affected and have any other children dared to speak out and tell their parents. It was that she was told not to tell us and get us involved with the threat of telling her class teacher. Class teacher knows all about it now (was out yesterday afternoon) and was going to 'look into it'. Nothing said to DD today even though DHT had told me she would talk to her today to get a full picture of events.

Any update OP?