Catholic school angst!

[Jippy]

Hello ladies,
My husband and I are having a very hard time at the moment. We are going through a tough spot for a while, arguing a lot and now it appears to have come to a head. I am catholic but not a very devout one. My husband is similar though his family are very dedicated to the religion and want our son to go to catholic school when he turns four. With this in mind and to keep the in laws happy, I have taken my son to mass with my husband every weekend. I do want him to have a good moral upbringing and that all fits in well with our catholic backgrounds. Lately, my husband has been working away and we have become quite slack at taking our son to church. This didn't seem to cause anyone any issues until the parish priest approached my mother in law and said "I haven't seen john and Kate at mass lately, I don't know who will be the priest when junior wants to come to school, but if it's me, I will have to take these absences into account." The message was passed on to my husband who immediately brought our boy to church.

I am of the opinion the a. The priest should not be passing on messages like that to parish goers and instead should come to us directly. B. this is a threat in my eyes and I don't believe in bowing down to the pressures of the church. And c. I think my mother in law should have told him where to go rather than making is all feel awful about missing a couple weeks of church.

It all seems very corrupt and my husband can't see this, he thinks we are in the wrong.

Advise please? And if I am being ridiculous, please tell me!

If the school you want is oversubscribed then he is just saying it like it is. Sounds like a bit of a bully though.

Speaking as a catholic parent (but not UK-based) I think this is totally outrageous and completely intrusive. YOu could have many reasons for not attending mass (and as far as he knows, you could be going elsewhere anyway).

Agree wholeheartedly that:

(a) the priest should have approached you directly and if there was a problem, tbh, most would tackle the issue far more discreetly than this

(b) not really qualified to comment as every school where we live pretty much Catholic so we don't have the same subscription issues; but if school is over-subscribed then this was definitely far too heavy handed and a very poor way of handling the situation. He should not be judging you in this way without having even spoken to you!

(c) m-i-l should definitely have stood up for you (or said, "perhaps you would care to speak about that to Jippy directly") but again you have my sympathies as my late mil never stood up for me in any situation (quite the reverse actually) and so I know how horrible that feels.

In your shoes, I would go and have a word with the priest directly. I know it sounds absolutely awful to say it, but if your mil was as manipulative as mine, the priest might not have even approached her in the first place, or she may be embroidering what he said a little, in order to make you feel guilty.

If on the other hand, having been approached by you, the priest continues to be heavy-handed and downright rude, then I would make a complaint about him to the bishop.

And if I may say so, I think your dh should be supporting you in this too. Especially as from your post it sounds as though he has been slack about going to church too, not just you (sorry if I have wrong end of the stick though).

Thank you so much! You have hit the nail on the head with your response

If the places are dependent on church attendance then he has done you a favour letting you know. He couldn't tell you directly as you weren't at mass. Many people complain when their child doesn't get in. Places should only go to those who attend mass regularly. My priest on the otherhand is very soft and signs everyones forms.

Better he lays it on the line and you know the score rather than being shocked when you pitch up for the reference and get nowt. As for approaching you, well yes that would be ideal but then again, you weren't actually there to receive the message were you?
That's the thing with these schools, they're rigid and not exactly free wheeling. Maybe you should seek an alternative route?

I am shocked at this as a RC parent myself. My DC are baptised and we attend church but not every week. We certainly go more than the vast majority of kids at the over subscribed parish school - there is only ever a handful in the children's mass. We chose a non RC school in the end.

Check your school admissions policy - is priest reference part of it? Most just state baptism and resident in the parish. Our priest could not say how often we go as some times we go to church elsewhere. We put the RC school down as 2nd choice and I would have stood my ground if challenged. Check your MIL was not exaggerating - is she fretting you won't get in if you ever skip mass??? How old is your DC btw??

I dont know if you have ever seen a priests reference form for a Catholic school place or not....

Very often there are boxes to tick, like:

1. Regular church goers for 3 years and more
2. Occasional church goers
3. Attends mass 3-4 Saturdays/Sundays a month
4. Regualar attendance less than weekly

etc.

The boxes are separate, one for the child, and one for the family, saying either "The child is known to me through:" (read the 4 options above)
And "The family is known to me through:"

Very often you have to state if your child has been baptized within 6 months or not, and if not, when the child was baptized. Canon law is within 6 months.

But some schools are stricter than others. Our oldest son did not get a secondary Catholic school place because there were other children whose priest had ticked box 3 above, which was better than us, and also our son was 1 years old when he was baptized. It can be extremely difficult, and the priest cant lie!

Taking into account what PPs have said then yes he may just have been passing a message through to you, to make sure you don't get caught out. Our local RC schools at primary and secondary only want proof of baptism

Or
Priest said "not seen jippy for a couple of weeks, how is she?"

Mil says, "yes I don't know if you need to take that in to account when did starts school,do you?"

Priest says might not be him in the parish then

Mil reports her version

Dgs not did

Yes, could be MIL stirring?

Not sure why MIL cant sometimes take her dgs to Church? That would help!

the information forms for schools vary greatly. ours when DD1 applied was weekly attendance or fortnightly attendance I think and then less than that.

when DD2 was applying it had just changed to fortnightly, monthly, less.

no mention of when baptised. ours were 13 months and 9 months I think when they were baptised which I personally think is perfectly respectable for any number of reasons but in some areas I know they say less than 6 months.

Is the school really competitive and have set rules as Quint suggests ? If not then it could be a bit of stirring ?
Although we go most Sundays with DD I don't think our priest would really notice. But our parish sister would, oh yes !

If the family has numbered envelopes for the collections, they will know exactly who has been to church based on the absence of envelopes.

You might not like it that he has passed the message throat a third party.

But if you are serious about wanting the RC school, you need to ignore the medium and concentrate on the message.

He is saying that he will not bend the rules for you. It doesn't matter how much association your family have with the parish, if you do not meet the requirements, you will get a lower box reference, and that can mean you do not get a place.

Have you looked at the SIF? Have you found out what attendance record you need (and for his long) to have won a place in the last few years?

Blimey. If you went on collection envelopes we would never have got DD into school as I only remember ours one week in 4!

Oversubscribed RC schools are getting stricter and stricter on attendance thoughso iI do think the priest may have been doing you a favour warning you, though personally I doubt a priest would have mentioned this unless your mil raised it first so this could be partly from her.

I think you and DH need to think if Catholic school is what you really want though because Mass commitments do continue, albeit no one will be checking weekly attendance once your child is in I guess. It is just a lot to sign up to if you are not totally committed I think.

Once your child is in, you have secondary to consider..... New forms! Some oversubscribed schools even needs to know about first holy communion, serving at the altar, and if the parent volunteer in Church, clean, read, mend linen, etc...

Move where I live - catholic primaries not filling their spaces !

What are the admission criteria for the school?