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Primary education

Join our Primary Education forum to discuss starting school and helping your child get the most out of it.

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Original poster

odd one out again

27 replies

bellajane · 24/06/2014 17:53

First post.

My DD is 10 and this weekend was the 2th time this year the entire class was invited to a birthday party except her.

This weekend it was the birthday of a girls she is really fond of and when she asked why she told her my mum doesn`t want you.

I have no idea why out of 24 she is being left out and it breaks her heart & mine seeing her this sad.

Yes, it's part of life and I fully comprehend that to some parties only a selection of friends can attend, but to ask 23 instead of 24 seems really harsh.

I have spoken with the teacher who says that my DD gets on with everyone in class and she will make sure that no party talk goes on in class, which i thought was really kind. She could see no reason why and thought it was mean.

Anyone else had to deal with this?

OP posts:

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teeththief · 24/06/2014 18:27

That's awful. Your poor DD. How confident would you feel approaching the mum? I'd need to ask why my DD hadnt been invited if the teacher could see no reason

NynaevesSister · 24/06/2014 18:39

What on earth? Is this for real? If so I would, calmly and rationally say to the mum that this is what her daughter said she'd said and you would like to know why. As this happened at school, and your daughter is being singled out, I would ask the teacher to call a meeting with the mother and ask her with teacher present. If the teacher doesn't want to get involved I would tell them that this will directly impact on your daughter's education - it will hit her self esteem. I would also at the same time find a new school to transfer too.

8etty8lue · 24/06/2014 18:43

This is truly awful and i absolutely understand how you feel as both of my son's have experienced this at Primary school. My eldest in year 6 as part of a bullying 'campaign' that the teacher refused to acknowledge (as she was also a yr6 parent and part of a clique that I wasn't party to) and my younger son throughout his Primary years as he has aspergers. In my experience with my youngest son, it's mostly about the child's parents. I used to get wound up and not want to invite their children to my son's birthdays - tit for tat, but eventually got over myself and decided that it was his birthday and he could invite who he wanted to make his birthday happy. Playground politics is the worst and is particularly bad at Primary school. I was never brave enough to confront the parents, but always wanted to say it how it was. If you think you can do it then go ahead, but remember it's your daughters school days and you might make it even worse for her.

Justtoobad · 24/06/2014 18:56

Over the years has your daughter had whole school birthday parties or get together? If so she should get invited back.

turdfairynomore · 24/06/2014 19:03

As a teacher of 4/5 year olds I often put party invites in bags and have no problem with parties that invite some or all of the children. BUT-the "all except 1" -I refuse to put the invites in bags. They go back to mum. In 25 years I've only had to do it 3 times. It's a poor message for your child to get but just as poor a message for the birthday child. You don't have to like everyone but you ALWAYS have to be polite!! And that's just rude!! And then some!

8etty8lue · 24/06/2014 19:09

One should get invited back, and manners should come into play, but unfortunately this seems to have been thrown out the window in the world of the playground.

teafor1 · 24/06/2014 19:16

What the hell! That is awful. Your poor daughter and you. Incredibly rude and hurtful thing to do.

Original poster

bellajane · 24/06/2014 20:10

Thank you so much for your replies, im glad it's not just me who thinks this isnt a very nice thing to do to a 10 year old. Friends mean everything and she feels so felt out.

I just came back from a toyshop because i truly felt my DD needed some cheering up and spend £3 on loom bands to see a smile back on her face. I have to be honest and say i do not know the mum very well and wouldn't be confident enough to ask why altough it is a real puzzle to me.

Part of me doesn't want to show it had this much of an affect eventhough it has. I have always invited all and will continue to do so regardless of what happens.

Fingers crossed it won`t happen again ...

OP posts:

RaisinBoys · 24/06/2014 20:12

What a first post!

Really sorry for your DD and you. It's spiteful and cruel behaviour.

In my opinion you have nothing to lose in asking this mother why your child was the only child not invited?

It may be an oversight. If not, you have no reason to spare her feelings.

I would speak to other parents you are friendly with too - I would be horrified if this happened in my son's class. My DS has sometimes been left out of smaller parties but never from whole class parties (some of which he would have happily missed!)

If not resolved, special day out for DD on party day?

Justtoobad · 24/06/2014 20:36

It may well be an over sight (mothers are busy creatures) and if you've invited her child before then it doesn't seem to be spiteful (despite what was said to you dd), so defo ask the mum. Or text a mum in the know to see what is being said.

apermanentheadache · 24/06/2014 21:49

how awful. If it's true, the other mother should be really ashamed. Your poor DD :(

Jinsei · 24/06/2014 23:42

Could you ask the teacher to check if your dd was intentionally excluded?

Original poster

bellajane · 25/06/2014 09:56

I found out the reason why this morning as one of the parents approached me (I`m still shaking a little).

She said she heard that 3 of the mums decided not to invite my DD because she's always the centre of attention in the class and they feel that isn't right. I spoke with the teacher who clearly said that my DD is a bright girl so does get praised a lot for doing well but not more so than others and doesn`t feel she has favoured her in anyway at all.

I find it so sad if it's true.

OP posts:

VerucaInTheNutRoom · 25/06/2014 10:04

I honestly cannot understand parents that allow this to happen. The only exception, IMO, would be if the excluded child were a terrible bully.

Toomanyhouseguests · 25/06/2014 10:05

That's appalling. I am amazed that grown women would be so immature and cruel.

VerucaInTheNutRoom · 25/06/2014 10:06

Just read your latest post, OP. These women are pathetic and immature.

KEGirlOnFire · 25/06/2014 10:17

OMG that's awful OP!!!! And how the hell ('scuse my language but your post has made me really cross!!!) do the Mothers know that anyway??? What have their DCs been saying to them? Not that it is any excuse at all anyway!!!!

Strangely enough I spent a lovely evening with a very good friend of mine last night who I haven't seen for a while.

Her DD is very bright and is one of only two DCs in her primary school who has been offered a place at the local Grammar school.

Since the offer was made, 3 of her best friends have told her that their Mothers have said that they are no longer allowed to play with her!!!

My lovely (friendly, quiet) friend who is now a single-Mum and has been through a horrendous marriage breakdown in the last couple of years (and really relied on a lot of the Mums at the school who became good friends with her) has also been shunned in the playground. She used to look after a couple of the children after school as a favour and she just received texts from the Mothers saying they wouldn't be coming anymore.

I mean, WTF????!!!!!

So, OP, sounds similar to your situation, jealousy, plain and simple. But it's absolutely pathetic and I would be distancing myself very clearly from these people.

They are not worthy of you or your DD's worry. I would absolutely tell your DD what you have been told, she's probably more intelligent to understand it for herself, than they are.

Pathetic pathetic women.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 25/06/2014 10:17

Horrible jealous cows. If my child was invited to a party by such a bitch, I would honestly boycott it in support of you OP.

Maybe the nice teacher can try and talk to them about bullying by exclusion. It is a common misconception that only "geeky" or "unpopular" kids get bullied. It can happen to popular, bright, good looking ones too out of sheer jealousy.

Hoppinggreen · 25/06/2014 11:47

IF this is true then it's terrible.
Never heard of such a thing before though

WalterWhiteMakesBlue · 25/06/2014 13:04

oh no that's just dreadful! How spiteful of the MOTHERS!! Thankfully you probably only have another year before senior school. I feel really sorry for your DD.

MY DD was the only girl in the year excluded from a joint birthday party and I thought how mean the mothers must be to exclude just one girl - I would never do it. But in my DD's case I assume it was driven by the girls, never in a million years the mothers!

RaisinBoys · 25/06/2014 13:07

If your DD is 10 and in y6 then say your piece (I would absolutely let this parent know how pathetic this is) and then let it wash over you both...she'll be out of there soon.

If she's y5 I'd speak with teacher - time for some strong lessons on bullying & excluding others. Perhaps the children who are telling tales to mother can pass on these messages too!

I never cease to be amazed by how supposed grown ups can revert to nasty little bullies as soon as they set foot on a playground.

Tea1Sugar · 25/06/2014 15:23

Get the party details, rock up and say "I presume you just misplaced dd's invite. I'll pick her up in a couple of hours". I'm a year 5 teacher.

scottie54 · 25/06/2014 15:59

You could disinvite the three children from your dds party citing 'their mums obviously don't think your daughter should always be the centre of attention at her party' however it's possibly stooping to their level of jealously and pettiness.

If you feel you can confront the mother then say you're disappointed in what you heard and that you hope such an unjust discrimination is untrue.
Tbh I don't think in your position I would tell your daughter exactly what you heard in case it had a negative impact, more that the mother is being silly and it's nothing she has said or done. I'd then make sure I'd take her out at the time of the party.

3asAbird · 26/06/2014 08:42

your poor daughter hope shes not to upset.

if i heard that i would possibly have confidential meeting with head and teacher make them aware how nasty, unreasonable and childish there group of parents are.

PastSellByDate · 26/06/2014 10:08

bellajane:

I think not getting asked to something does hurt - but you can't force situations.

I get that you're hurt for your daughter (and I've been there too - either because DDs were not invited or worse yet we had other plans so they couldn't go - the latter actually makes me feel worse to be honest).

I think you just have to relax about this but I do get that can be really hard.

I think all you can do is realise that sometimes friendships also involve wider circles.

As you may have surmised I'm a rather bristly personality and doggedly independent - so that's off putting to certain Mum's. I'm also not very 'girly' - an academic pushing 50 doesn't help either. I'm genuinely friends with several mums now, but it has taken nearly 7 years to get there.

Some of the mistakes were mine. DDs are invited for play dates and when I drop them off I'm asked to come in, only I have to dash off to work, drop other DD somewhere else, etc... I didn't mean to cause offence and felt awful in one case when the Mum had prepared lunch, but I genuinely didn't know that was going to happen and had an important meeting at work 15 minutes later so had to go.

I think the way to look at it is you can't always win. Be glad that your daughter is well liked and plays well with the other children in school.

The good news is from senior school it will be more about who the kids want to be with and less about what you or their parents want.

Remember there's always 2 sides to every story - and it may be that genuinely the child's parents could only ask X many from school, because cousins, friends outside school, children of family friends were also coming.

My advice is the day of the party (if a weekend/ evening) do something special with your DD - go see a film, go to the park, fly kites, etc... It won't totally make up for it, but it may help her not feel as left out.

HTH

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