Sensitive yr 6 dd in trouble at school for the first time ever! (long sorry)

[gleegeek]

Dd(10) came home from school today absolutely distraught

Apparently a minor squabble happened about suitability of housing for tarantulas in zoos/wildlife centres and dd and another girl disagreed. Other girl hit dd with her lunch box (dd thought as a joke) so dd hit her back with hers(very soft, empty lunch bag) but the other girl ran off!

Dd ran after her and asked why she was upset and the other girl pushed her and ran off again. Dd said 'fine' and walked away.

A little later, the girl was ignoring the group of girls, so in the end, dd shouted 'I understand why you won't talk to me, but why not to the others?' as dd is quite a pacifist and wants everyone to get on. Nothing more was said.

Until... B got into class and her teacher asked her what had been going on. 2 other girls (who weren't actual witnesses) had gone and stirred things up by telling the teacher. The other girl had left early for a dentist appt so he didn't get her side of the story, just told dd off and said he wasn't having her being mean to the other girl.

Dd is distraught and really doesn't understand why she's in trouble, I am inclined to believe dd as she is usually the one trying to get everyone to be friends and has never ever been told off at school, and her friend who was there told exactly the same story as dd when they got home.

Minor girl stuff IMO - the other girl is a bit of a drama queen and thrives on disagreements, but dd doesn't and is upset. She has been told to apologise to the other girl on Monday but meanwhile has the weekend to stew about it. Am I wrong to think that this has been handled badly? Surely you get both sides of the story before laying blame? Also what's with the other two girls dropping dd in it???

Any ideas of how I treat this? So far I've just listened, given lots of cuddles and told her if her conscience is clear, then to try not to worry. It's all new territory for me!

Thanks

Thanks for answering. I agree, it is lazy, he really should have waited for both sides of the story.

Dd is adamant if no-one had said anything, it would be forgotten about by Monday. She says any arguments in the group tend to dissipate fairly quickly, but this girl is usually at the centre of them!

I did say it wasn't how I would have handled it, but maybe teacher was having a difficult afternoon and looking to get it over with quickly

It sounds to me as if it was Friday afternoon on a hot day towards the end of the school year when everyone (especially teachers who are spending every waking hour right now writing reports) is over tired.

Yes - perhaps the situation wasn't handled particularly well. But it sounds to me as if the teacher was a bit exasperated at having dealt with a string of friendship and behaviour issues (such as you get at this stage of the year in year 6) and unfortunately the issue with your DD ended up being dealt with in this way. But what else would you have liked the teacher to do? Tell DD that she will be speaking to everyone involved on Monday, so your DD has the weekend worrying about what will happen?

I am 99% certain that the whole thing will have been forgotten on Monday morning - how many times have you as a parent said something to your child that you afterwards realised was a bit over the top and so you quietly forgot about it?

So tell your DD that sometimes adults get things wrong. And next time the girl is off with her, to leave her alone - some people (my DH) prefer to have their own space to work things through rather than being pushed into a response before they are ready. Then put the whole thing to one side and have a lovely weekend together. If necessary, draw up a chart showing how many days she's got left before she leaves and is away from the situation completely.

Always bear in mind your daughter also has only given you her side of story, and she may have been selective in recounting it to you.

I am sure your daughter is a really nice girl, she sounds sweet in the OP, and the whole thing a bit silly. But even good sweet kids overstep the mark sometimes.

Too many parents go into school with an " my daughter is an angel, and never lies- attitude. At our school anyway.

shouted 'I understand why you won't talk to me, but why not to the others?' that actually comes across as quite aggressive to me. Cerainly if I'd heard that I would assume that the speaker was stirring things up.

And surely if he'd waited for the other girl's side that would have been worse for your dd? I presume he heard her side, and the witnesses. It does sound like the other girl was upset, and maybe she is a drama queen, but surely if she'd been able to say her side it would probably have been worse for your dd not better.

The other girl wasn't there to tell, but presumably he may well ask her to apologise also if he feels she is at fault too.

I suspect all will be forgotten by Monday. I doubt the teacher will remember.

It is summer-term-itis!

Do something lovely with DD this weekend and hopefully some distance will give some perspective.

Sorry I disappeared - husbands car broke down!

Thank you all for your words of reason Dd eventually calmed down and finally fell asleep a few minutes ago. She does rather take things to heart and lives in fear of being told off - well it finally happened and she didn't like it!

She is still offended that the other girl didn't get into trouble and that she didn't get a chance to fully tell her side of the story. TBH I think she did well to walk away when she was pushed! But she did agree that she should then have stayed out of it, rather than try to at least get the rest of her friends talking. A good life lesson I guess.

I took a sneaky peek at her emails and they are all of the 'why did you get told off?' 'can't believe they told on you!' variety so am inclined to believe her story, but I do agree that only she and the other girl know the full picture...

Hopefully all will be forgotten by Monday!