Y5/6 boys talking about rape - wondering whether/how to raise with school?

[Jennifersrabbit]

I'd be interested to have a teachers perspective on this one.

DS is Y3. He came home rather disturbed saying that he'd been sitting on a lunch table with Y5/6 boys he didn't know, and they'd been talking about having sex 'and raping people'. DS says he ignored them and they ignored him and said it was all 'disgusting and very inappropriate' or words to that effect. He has ASD- type difficulties and has been in trouble a few times himself for inappropriate stuff at the wrong moment, but this was evidently way out of his league. I asked him if he knew what raping people meant and he said no and didn't require further clarification (to my relief). He has an age-appropriate understanding of sex - ie he has a very broad brush understanding of the mechanics, knows it is something adults get up to in order to have babies,and has no idea why they should wish to indulge in such a weird and disgusting activity .

I'd prefer DS wasn't party to more mature conversation than I think he's ready for, but not the end of the world. And I would expect 10 and 11 year olds conversation to be pretty earthy, so a chat about sex wouldn't surprise me hugely. But if your Y5/6s were having lunchtime discussions about rape would you want to a) see why the subject had come up and b) explore a bit more what rape actually means and why it isn't an appropriate subject for dinner time chat? Am wondering whether I should mention it to the school on that basis.

This is all assuming that DS hasn't got totally the wrong end of the stick and is a reliable witness ...

Hi, I am a primary teacher and I have a ds who is 15 and a ds who is 12. I would be pretty horrified if either of them were engaged in a conversation of that type about rape. At primary age, it is definitely disturbing and like you say, it needs more investigation. It may well have come from a soap/TV but someone needs to talk to the children involved. It is completely inappropriate to discuss in front of younger children (or at all!) and also it may be that these children have warped perceptions which need addressing.
If a parent came up to our school with that information, it would be taken very seriously. And just because your ds has behaved inappropriately in the past, doesn't make it ok for others to do it. In fact, if you are worried about mentioning it to the school, you could always say that your ds was disturbed by it and, now he's heard the word, you are worried he will repeat it and get into trouble! Whatever you say to them, if they don't take it seriously then I would have grave concerns about the school to be honest.

I agree you should talk to someone at the school.

I'm a bit worried about this though: "I asked him if he knew what raping people meant and he said no and didn't require further clarification (to my relief)." Well, you may be relieved that he didn't ask, but it might be a better thing to do to proactively explain to him (age-appropriately) what it is. He needs to understand that forcing sexual activity on someone else is a violent and totally unacceptable act, as much to protect him from abuse as to ensure his boundaries are in the right place.

Thanks guys for late night (or different time zone?!) good advice. I will try and think how best to raise with school.

To clarify, I agree that at some stage a proactive discussion about what rape is will be a very necessary part of him understanding sex and relationships. I was just quite glad that it wasn't forced on me without notice age 8, as particularly because of his ASDish traits and associated tendency to get very anxious, we have to take it quite steadily and in a planned way.

Unfortunately I have noticed that with 13/14 year olds the word rape is simply used instead of having had sex.

For example I heard one saying to his other friend who just had a new girlfriend: have you raped her yet? What he meant was if he slept with her yet.

I was horrified about the misuse of the word.....

I have overheard DD1's male friends in year 7 using the word rape when what they really mean is sex. If these boys have older brothers, that may be where they have picked it up.

It's very disturbing (and I don't think one of them will do it again, after the telling off he got for using the word in the back of my car ). I'm pretty sure none of them really have any idea what it means - or at least not in any meaningful sense. But it's a shocking trend and seriously needs stamping out.

Are they doing sex ed at the moment? When I was a TA I overheard a Y5 boy say "I'm going to stick my head up your vagina!" (He was, I think, giddy with information but not clear in the details. He had to write an apology and sign a swearing form and was in tears, really interesting.)

Uh, that is to say that sex ed causes all their information/misinformation to suddenly come to the forefront of their minds. Yes, I would tell the school..

Definitely tell the school. I can't see any good reason why you wouldn't.

Thank you all. That's an interesting slant on use of language - and yes, pretty horrific.

I had a quiet word with DSs TA this morning and she has spoken to the boys concerned.