Help please with how to approach this.

[Lonecatwithkitten]

DD (yr5) is described by at least three teachers in school as really very bright, however, she is in an exceptional cohort of incredibly gifted children so sits somewhere in the middle of the top of the year.
The school regular grades for effort she always get good scores and recently gets exceptional scores. There are effort awards given, but these in her own words are given to people who don't normally try hard and then do on one day. There is a house point system, but she feels the bar for her is higher than others to get points.
Outside of school she has had really quite a difficult year which has knocked her confidence and self esteem. This is improving.
She is a nice girl has a good group of friends, but is not little miss popular. The classes have elected class captains, vice captains and school councillors every term since the start of year three she has never held one of these positions.

She feels totally unappreciated and really un-noticed at school. This is leading to a why should I bother attitude as no one notices me. Also due to being this cohort in the areas she is not quite as strong she is very self critical of herself and gets in a terrible tizz that she is no good.
So I have an appointment with the teacher next week and the self criticism I feel I can bring up and is something we have discussed before. However, how do I discuss the unappreciated and un-noticed? I do feel that the teachers like her as she gives good effort and is well behaved, but she does fly a little beneath the radar as she is easy.
I am a single parent so have no one else to talk to about this and over the last 6 months have had to act as a gate keeper to protect her. This role of gate keeper has been enormously draining along with the emotional effort in taking the broken pieces to put them back together to make a child has left me with no perspective on any of this.
I am grateful for any suggestions you have.

Great to be having a meeting with the teacher.

Be honest, let her know child needs a consistent boost, more frequent praise and bigger slice of the reward pie.
Point out that Y5 should be holding positions of responsibility and taking an active role in school so what responsibilities can she be given (eco Committee, Assembly prep monitor, Receptionist duty cover etc).

Ah yes forgot to add the school is through to 18 so yr5 is really small fry with only form positions available to them.

But thank you yes I will be asking for confidence boosts.

I think actually you might be able to do this pretty straight, as long as you make it about 'what do I do?' - rather than coming across as acusing teacher.

So you know your DD is great - she's bright, she works hard, she's got lots of friends... but because of the way things work she doesn't have loads of house points or a school council role, what should you say to let her know her best is good enough?

If you are lucky they'll give you some ideas, there must be other kids in the same boat, but more importantly it may also nudge them to give her a bit more recognition in school.

there was a similar thread this week. some posters suggested that the op raise the matter with the teacher in terms of "what does dd have to do to get/be made...." and that parents on the thread who had done this or similar found that their children were very soon getting more awards/acknowledgement. good luck!

Also, consider what she does outside of school - don't make school the only place she can 'achieve' or 'be recognised' - widen the circle of opportunity with sport or drama or dance or cubs or guides or whatever she is interested in. School should always only be one part of your life, IMVHO.

By nature of my job (very long hours offering 24/7 emergency cover) I choose a school which offered all the extra stuff at school so she sings in two choirs, plays the clarinet and nearly always a member of the school team. She also tap dances on a Saturday, however, she is more a supporting dancer and sports person rather than a star.
If she was in any other cohort being clever would be her thing having got level 5s in Maths and Science in year 4, but she was one of 10 children who achieved this in her year group.

Her effort grades this term were amazing, but no one else sees them so it's not visible. Her father has only supervised contact with her and attaches no importance to school and she is not an important part of his life.

Absolutely agree with talking to the teacher. Also feel it is a fine line between stating your concern (the cohort full of bright kids/ the sense of lack of recognition for effort/ etc...) and complaining. I think just explaining how your DD is feeling at the moment ( a bit low, underconfident, overly hard on herself) has you concerned and since a lot of it is coming from her impression of things at school you wanted to talk to the teacher - is a more neutral approach.

In terms of moving forward (because it sounds like this is in all areas of DD's life - not just school) - I think it is hugely important to not see all of this as a competition but as you setting goals for yourself which you work to. So really instilling in her a desire to work harder to improve for her own reasons - whether that's wanting to be the best, because she adores the subject/ activity, because she wants to beat X who always wins at y sport (something she can recognise herself/ but most likely will be noted by coaches/ teachers as well).

I think if you need 'validation' from people around you in life it does rather set you up for a fall when you have difficult family (hyper critical parent for example)/colleagues/ boss.

I don't think there is a quick fix to this - but over the coming years I'd encourage your DD not to be so hard on herself. Horrible pictures of yourself/ aunties/ uncles/ friends as spotty teenagers & funny stories about getting it all wrong are a wonderful means to pointing out that it never goes 'perfectly' for anybody.

HTH

Outside of school she has had really quite a difficult year which has knocked her confidence and self esteem.

She feels totally unappreciated and really un-noticed at school.

I suggest focus on these 2 factors and put aside the rest. There is always something more any school can do to acknowledge the unique contribution each person makes. Perhaps elaborate on how she's been knocked out of school. Even small recognition in school could help a lot. Doesn't have to be academic, if anything trying to compete on academics is counter-productive. Focus on her other good features would be my preference.

School are aware of what has happened to her and do say she is more settled in school.

With what happened I am the steady one who is there and loves and supports her no matter what happens. It seems that validation and recognition from outside is some of the healing process.

As I say her effort is outstanding. Without anyone else to talk to it is very difficult to know whether I am asking for some unreasonable level of recognition for her.
I know the healing process is going to be long sadly what happened will in some form almost certainly be with her forever. She is getting counselling in school, but she is a great one for putting her happy face on and then it all pours out when she gets back to me. There are also times where she is incredibly angry with me that I couldn't stop what happened.
All of this on top of me being described by my doctor as total run down and worn out. Sometimes I wish I could just get off the ride for a while sadly not an option.