At a loss with DD's writing- long

[cosmicstardust]

DD is just 7- would be year 2 in the UK but we are abroad so she's in her first 'proper' year of school rather than her second. She was adopted a few months ago and is trilingual- English as a third language and fluent in two other languages which use the Cyrillic. She can read and write in both of these, apparently at an advanced level for her age. She speaks English almost fluently but is selectively mute- she understands an awful lot more English than she often lets on. She won't speak at school but she will complete classwork, which is a recent improvement.

All the classwork she does in school she does in English, but instead of using the Latin alphabet she writes it out in Cyrillic. So at first glance it looks as though she's writing in a completely different language, but if you translate the Cyrillic letters into Latin letters you can see she's writing in English. The little homework she is getting at this stage she does at home, using the Latin alphabet if I sit with her when she does it, but she will not use it at school. Recently her teacher asked me to 'translate' some work she had done in class so she could assess it and apparently the actual standard of what she's producing isn't far off what she would expect by the end of Grade 1, the trouble is it's completely inaccessible because she just won't use the Latin alphabet in class. I'm at a bit of a loss with her really, I don't know if it's a confidence thing and she'll grow out of it or if there's more going on than that. Any advice would be much appreciated.

I don't have any experience, but am just wondering if she is going through an adjustment period given that you say it's been only a few months since she was adopted. It can't be easy on a little one!

Not same situation but my bilingual DD became mute in the nursery school and won't speak there for about 6 mo. Her English was a little weaker than her other language and it was enough to make her not want to speak. And she was only dealing with a new school, not change of family, etc.

We just let her be. It changed slowly. She spoke fine at home so we knew it was just a confidence problem.

It may be harder to "let her be" in the school setting, but then again, she is only in her 1st year of schooling, so will catch up quickly. She sounds like a smart cookie!

How is she with making friends? It really helped my DD that she made a good friend with another little girl who became her "best friend" and it really helped her to come out of her shell.

Good luck! She is so lucky to find such a caring mom. You are doing an amazing thing.

Well it sounds like she is a very bright young lady if she is trilingual in 2 different alphabets and managing to produce good quality work in a combination of them. I wonder if it is quite common with the language combination? Lots of children in my daughters classes are bi or tri lingual and for some there has been quite a long period of adjustment from what the parents have told me with trying to read and write in their own language as well as in English and I think there is a fair amount of 'mixing up' going on. Speaking can be an issue too and there are more than I would think is the average number with speech and language problems which I would assume is due to some level of confusion with different pronunciations and so on. They are still very young and their brains are learning an enormous amount of vocabulary, letters, sounds, words, spoken and written etc.

I am not sure what to suggest, a lot probably does link to confidence and a feeling of security so I think all you can really do at the moment is be as loving and supportive as you obviously are.

oh and I wonder if the not speaking is linked to not liking how she sounds speaking the language? I have seen this in a couple of children in the past and it is confidence related as they feel 'wrong' speaking in one of the languages. I remember being the same when I learned languages. I could read and write them well but I was awful speaking them because I felt so stupid hearing myself speaking a different language so there could be an element of that involved too.

No experience, but a friend of DD's was trilingual when they were at preschool - preschool "advised" the parents to only speak to her in English, as she was struggling to speak/etc at preschool (actually she was using a mixture of all 3 languages, but preschool could only understand the English bits). As a result, the girl is now effectively monolingual aged 7, and doesn't/won't speak either of her parental languages. So beware of any advice down those lines!

I do think it could well be down to the adjustment period, the trouble is I don't want to do nothing for now and then find it isn't later IYSWIM.

She was assigned a 'companion' when she started at the school who she plays with some lunchtimes but I don't think the other girl considers it a friendship as such- she had a birthday party recently most of the girls in the class were invited to but DD didn't get an invite. Other than that she does spend a lot of time alone at school I think, according to her teacher. She went to a dance class for the first time yesterday which she absolutely loved although she didn't really interact with the other kids, I'm hoping that will improve if she keeps going.

There are a couple of kids in her class who speak DD's second language (fairly similar to her first and she's fluent in it), she won't talk to them either. Also quite a few Chinese kids, so again, a different alphabet, but apparently DD is the only one who definitely does know her English alphabet who writes in her first one at school. That to me says that she's doing it deliberately rather than because she's confused. But then I'm not sure if you could write in English in Chinese characters, whereas it's easy to write English in Cyrillic. Accent-wise she honestly doesn't sound particularly foreign speaking in English, she has a bit of a Slavic twang you can hear on some sounds but really not that noticeable. There are a lot of bilingual kids with a much more pronounced accent than her and the school is used to kids with English as a second language because of where we live, DD is the only one who refuses to speak at school full stop.

Rue I don't speak either unfortunately, I'm attempting to teach myself the less common one. My sister speaks another language related to the two DD speaks and can understand some of both, but not enough to have a proper conversation with her. I keep meaning to try and find some sort of language group for her to go to but I wonder if that could be too confusing at this stage.

Sounds to me that your daughter it taking her time adjusting to the new school. Also - she might be feeling a bit out of control with her life and language is the only decision she is able to control. Is there some support that you get after adoption - can you speak to a child psychologist who might be experienced in these situations?

It also doesn't sound that she has made any friends. Have you tried playdates? Best way to make sure she is invited to parties, etc. is to invite girls around first. Or, given your situation, can you talk to other moms and ask them to ask their girls to include your daughter? I am sure that they would understand, I certainly would.

I have a shy DD and when she stared new school, I really tried to make sure she made friends quickly. Even when she didn't yet know anyone, I started inviting girls to our house and tried to plan some fun activity (crafts, pizza making, etc.), so that the other girls thought it was fun to visit DD. Or sometimes we'd plan a museum visit and invited classmates. If we did it now - I'd have a Frozen sing -along playdates. Or Rainbow-looming ones Whatever your DD might enjoy doing.

You can ask the teacher who in her class is most similar in temperament to your daughter and start from there. Kids that age often become friends through sharing some activity or experience - even a shared bus ride sometimes leads to friendships! Alternatively, you can invite girls whose moms you get along with best. Your DD might be a little less guarded when interacting with other kids one on one.

Good luck!

I am trilingual with two "cyrillic" languages, and English as the third. Sometimes when I'm tired or harassed I write a letter of a word in a wrong alphabet - usually n/H I muddle up. Or the whole of a proper noun. But it's rare. I think the muscle memory of writing tends to get it right. But your DD is young enough not to have such a strong "muscle memory". She could just find it easier to write in cyrillic alphabet, or it could be attention-seeking or some need to exert some sort of control over her life. As long as she is capable of writing in latin script I would probably just support her for a while. Perhaps the other EAL children in her class have not had adoption to deal with too? She is only small.

Is she able to translate the written cyrillic work she's doing into english herself?
Perhaps you can use that as a way for her to teach you (so it's not about her being "wrong").

Could it be that with so many changes in her life - new mummy and daddy, new country, new friend and a new school she is holding onto something familiar at school in her alphabet?

The Ed Psych who assessed her at school was useless, I've made her a doctors' appointment so hopefully will get her a child psych referral through there. We haven't tried playdates, that's a good suggestion about asking the teacher. DD gets on well with her cousins who are around the same age (and will talk to them), but isn't with them at school. I'm terrified of playdates, my mom used to invite people over when I was at school and the other moms would decline :(

QuiteQuietly that's really interesting actually, in general at school she will write her name in latin script, but she will use ? instead of Ch- she HATES that there isn't one character for Ch in latin! She will use the latin alphabet at home but if she's tired Rs become Ps, Ns become Hs, Ss become Cs etc. She will generally write lower case Ms as Cyrillic but that could just be a handwriting thing. She is definitely capable, because she's fine at home, it's just at school that she won't do it.

Where we live there are two official languages, so it's fairly common for children to be bilingual/EAL. DD was born here, she hasn't been adopted internationally. The other two languages are her first languages but she isn't in an unfamiliar country.

She can translate between the two very easily- if she brings something she's written at school (in Cyrillic) home she can read it out loud straight off the page. She can also write in her first language using latin characters, and translate it off the page out loud. But she won't do it at school.

Playdates can be fun and they do help kids to get to know eachother better in a small group that will help with interactions at school.

It doesn't need to be terrifying! Ask the other moms first to see which ones would agree. Than tell your daughter that Mrs. So-and-so will be coming over and their daughter would be coming too. This way she won't think you forced a playdate on her!

I'm not worried about the actual playdate, I'm worried everyone I ask will say no

Of course they won't!!! My DD would come to a playdate with your DD, if you asked me :)

Also - if the teacher tells you that DD and Child X may be a good fit - you can use it with the parents.

I can't believe that all of them are intimidating and/or snobbish to refuse one playdate!!! They do know DD was adopted, right? You can also explain that you are concerned she is not making friends and you are worried. Surely they'll understand being parents themselves!

The Ch thing irritates me too - just so untidy. But it works both ways - J, X etc., hence the usefulness of a distinct alphabet. The m thing is probably handwriting, which I'm sure you have noticed is drummed in irreversibly from birth. I still struggle to write in DC's "school approved cursive" instead of the distinctive FSU script. She sounds very capable of switching between the two alphabets, so I wouldn't worry about it for now.

Playdates are an abomination. As is having to make awkward conversation wtih some random mother in your kitchen. If the dance class is a success, does anyone from her school attend? Coffee & cake after the class and see where it goes? Find out what general and accessible things the other children do after school or at the weekend (activities, park, ice cream parlour, cinema) by asking around, eavesdropping etc. and go along. People will get used to seeing you around and you will be used to seeing them - this creates a familiar warmth amongst you which makes a direct approach much, much easier. Do you have the long summer holiday or a UK-style 6 week one? Do you have a plan for that?

Thanks MMmomKK, that's reassuring. I'll try and catch her teacher after school before the weekend.

I do wonder if it's something of a protest in that she finds Cyrillic more logical- in some ways I agree with her! That's interesting Quite, when she does use the latin alphabet she doesn't write cursively, she prints. Although I'm not too worried about that as that's how I was taught to write, too.

I'm not sure if there are others from school in her dance class actually, I'll have to ask her. Doing something afterwards definitely sounds like the way to go. She has 8 weeks summer vacation, most of it her aunt is helping us out with childcare- she has two DCs around DD's age whom she is starting to interact with quite well, so hopefully that will be a positive for next year. We've been given a leaflet from her dance teacher about a week-long day camp thing she could go on, but as she's only had two lessons I might wait another week to make sure she definitely likes it!