Year 3

[carmen66]

Hi
My dd started year 3 last sept which was a transition from one school to junior school with a majority of children that she attended nursery etc with.. However she got off to a rocky start with her tutor pushing the boundries etc by talking in class & being a bit cheeky. However she has calmed down & realised that there are consequences for naughty behaviour..

My DD used to be confident in every way & would never let anyone step on her toes but since joining the new school we've had issues with other children pushing her around which were addressed promptly.

The thing that bothers me is why she doesn't stick up for herself any more she told me that for the last couple of days the teacher has been putting them in groups for science & that the other kids in the group don't allow her to be part of the team & answer questions. When my Dd got upset with one particular boy the teacher told my DD to stop sulking or she would make her work on her own... I'm not happy by this & feel that the teacher should have told the kids to take it on turns.. There have been a few other incidents that have gone on maybe I'm being sensitive because she's my child but I have told her to defend herself & not to allow kids to push her around.
Has anybody been or going thorugh this how can I help her to become more confident?

Have you spoken to the teacher about this? What do they say?

In the nicest possible way, I am slightly wondering if your DD was used to being a big fish in a small pond and is finding it hard to adjust to a bigger school and not being "in charge" any more. If she's mostly with children she's known for years, it seems odd that they've suddenly decided to gang up on her.

Don't know if it is relvant my DS came home and told me similar had happened to him ( year 2) last week..Although his response was he cried.

I spoke to him about what he could of done differently. I pointed out crying didn't resolve the problem and we talked it through.

It's a life lesson thing that kids have to put up with. Even with groups of adults there are alpha characters who will push their opinions/ideas forward. Unless the alpha character is your friend or aware that you are smarter than them then the others end up shutting up. There aren't enough adults to make the debate fair and unless you're on the table with the TA or the teacher overhears an argument then the quieter children end up having to suck it up.

My son in y3 often complains about his talking partner. The teacher changes talking partners after a fortnight but my son hates being partnered with children with the opposite personality. He is conscientious so wants to spend more time writing down ideas on his white board "correctly" where as another child may want to spend more time talking and quickly jot down ideas. Both are obviously fine as strategies but my son's partner gets annoyed that his head is down writing rather than listening while he gets annoyed that the other child won't shut up and get the ideas down.

I have one child who tells me very accurately what goes on at school, and one who is always the goodie in any conflict.... You can't assume that your child has stopped sticking up for herself, I don't think. It sounds like - as redsky says - she was used to being top dog, and has had a bit of a crisis of confidence at finding out she is not. Sometimes that can be a good way to begin behaving in a way that is ultimately more successful. I would keep talking and helping with strategies, but be aware that you won't be getting the full story. If you are still worried, ask to chat with the teacher so you can ask her about her perception.

I don't think that my DD thought that she was top dog as such, I just feel that she used to be a bit more outgoing. We had an incident last week where as a boy in her class mislaid something & she giggled so he punched her in the back I did speak to the teacher & it was addressed it wasn't the first time that this boy has hit her he is also the same age but a lot bigger. When she started in Sept a year 4 girl was pushing her around & targeting her at playtime again I had to address it.. I'm fully aware that this is all part of the growing up process & I've read your comments which are helpful but she never used to let people step on her toes... I myself had a terrible time at school & used to cower until one day I'd had enough & stood up for myself there after nobody bothered me.. I'm just wondering how I can boost her confidence .

Being punched is completely different to having to deal with the dynamics of group work. Any physical stuff needs to be dealt with urgently by the school. As does the Y4 girl targeting her.

I talk to my dd1 a lot about how to manage dynamics - part of what we discuss is minding your own business (as all the girls in her class love to tell each other what to do), finding someone else to play with when someone is being mean, not joining in with ganging up etc.

I also give her quick comebacks to use - for example, she was upset when someone mocked her surname so we came up with a way of joking about pretty much everyone's name in the class. She never used those comebacks but they made her feel more empowered because she had something to say if the teasing continued (plus we had a laugh doing it and she stopped taking the teasing so seriously). I think humour is really helpful - as is learning to turn away when people are being mean. She also has school friends round quite a bit and also socialises with non-schoolfriends, which can really help with perspective.

Occasionally I have been in to talk to the teacher - once when a boy consistently targeted her, once when two friends were being really quite bullying to her and others (different target each day).

if she laughed when someone lost something that could have been upsetting for them. they were absolutely wrong to hit her but at age 7 they are not always in control of their emotions.

yes she should learn to be resilient and not 'be pushed around' but she should also be considerate of others.

i work with a year 3 class and lots of them would get upset if someone laughed at them for something that wasn't funny iyswim.

Carmen66

We were at a infant & junior school - so it flowed seamlessly for Y2 onto Y3/ Y4

but I noticed at the end of Y3/ Y4 with DD1 - that there was a lot of tension and some pecking order sorting at this age. Frankly at the end of each school year I can sense DDs are getting a bit fed up with their school friends. A nice long break tends to cure that.

My advice is to encourage your DC to talk to you about what's bothering them and discuss positive ways of handling it (because lets face it dealing with difficult people is a life skill).

I know it doesn't help - and yes I agree if the teacher did say something like 'stop sulking' it can be very annoying. One thing we experienced with DD2 was that some children are basically pretty sneaky - and are great at putting kids down/ saying awful things when the teacher is not looking and all light and sweetness when they are. So I'm not excusing the teacher - but he/ she may only be responding to what they can see (kind of like a football referee getting it wrong). It's absolutely frustrating for the kid that is being treated as 'the difficulty' but eventually 'the truth will out'.

My advice to your DC: Be friends with the kids that a fun to be with, nice and supportive of you and find ways of avoiding confrontation with the rest.

HTH