help with year 2 friendships

[lifeinthemidlands]

DD is in year 2 and has never really jelled with the other girls in her class (there are only a few) although she gets on fine with them on an individual basis. Over the last few months she's started playing more and more with a boy who is a few years older than her. This is fine about 50% of the time, but at other times he excludes her and say unkind things about her to other children. She gets very upset about this and it's even started affecting her work. When we talk about it and I suggest she walks away or plays with other children she says the's her only friend and she doesn't want to be on her own, or that if she does that he'll get upset. Attempts to integrate her more with the girls in her year haven't been successful (by us and the school), and she's really quite unhappy.

An added complication is that the boy has quite profound SN. DD is aware of this and will adapt her behaviour appropriately (e.g. he doesn't like loud noises so she makes sure not to shout of scream around him). I'm obviously really pleased she's so sensitive to the needs of others and these changes are entirely appropriate, but this is very different from her accepting the exclusion and unkindness: I don't want her to think it's OK for anyone to treat her badly. While I'm sure some of his behaviour towards her is as a result of his difficulties in managing relationships or lack of self esteem I can't let her bear the brunt of it as her own self-esteem is now at rock bottom. Some of the behaviour is verging on bullying.

I don't know how to deal with it. I don't want to tell her not to play with the boy at all - I don't think that would work anyway. On some levels her friendship means a lot to him (and his mother who I know well) and he has a lot to deal with, but currently the friendship is damaging to DD. What I want is for her to stand up for herself more, and integrate with a wider group of children so that she's not reliant on him. I've talked to the school about this and they've said they'll try and do some work to help her with friendships, but I really don't feel too hopeful. I think a key is building up her self esteem. She does plenty of out of school activities and gets on well with all the children she meets there (although I think she's probably a little socially immature for her age in some ways) - it's just in the school environment she seems to struggle.
Any ideas / suggestions would be welcome.

bump anyone?

Anyone around this evening with ideas?

I would try to discourage the friendship with the older boy as much as possible. It just doesn't sound that healthy to me for this to be her social circle. I was bullied by an older boy at school and I'm sure it was masked as a friendship although it is maybe unfair to claim this if the boy himself is isolated and with SN. The issue is with her classmates and integration there. I think I would speak to the teacher about it. Maybe she could rearrange desks or group work to try to encourage her to bond more? Have you thought about organising get together a with the other girls. Does she see any at her other activities?

Is there an option to move schools too? Sometimes it's just luck with who is in class...

Hi, and thanks for replying. The teacher has already tried this, and yes, she does see several of the other girls at out of school activities, and while they get on fine there, it doesn't translate to her being in the "group" at school. I don't think she's actively being excluded, I think partly she excludes herself a bit as she doesn't think they would want to play with her. We invite the girls round to our house and all goes very well, but again she just seem to be able to gel with them at school: she seems to find groups hard. I've thought of moving school - it certainly wouldn't be easy, and I'm worried the same thing would happen - we're in a very rural area and all schools are very small with few girls in each year. She also would be very resistent to moving.

What provision does the school make for unhappy children at school. For instance ours has regular activities for ks1 children, things like running or singing sessions in the playground. They also have a friendship bench for children who don't have anyone to play with and peer Counsellors for those who are having problems with another child.

Could you arrange another meeting with the teacher, without your daughter and ask her what her honest opinion is and maybe have a talk about getting the person responsible for SENCO in the school involved too.

Perhaps she is more a 1 on 1 person than a group person? I think girls like that can be better if they have a best friend. Does she have a favourite girl you could have over?

I had the same thought as MacademiaNut. My DD2 is in a Y2 class with a very small number of girls (weird demographic that year!). She gets on well with most of them, but I think it definitely helps to invite them round to play singly every now and again. If there's an unhelpful group dynamic going on, I think helping your DD to build one-to-one relationships with some of the other girls could really help.

I agree that inviting children around can help but thought that the OP said she has already tried this?

It's just an idea but if there are any new girls that join her class it could b a good idea if your DD was asked to look after her.

I'm just remembering my early years at primary. I didn't gel with anyone until p4 when my BFF arrived from another school. I must have been 8 and am still now more a 1 on 1 person as is she.

Hi. thanks for your ideas. The Senco is already involved a bit, and apparently she's going to be invited to a friendship discussion group - not quite sure what that will entail. Would be nice if they did more in the playground for kids on thier own but don't think they do. I think you're right about the single friend. We have had other girls round singly quite a bit (and she sees one in particular outside school regularly) but while it's always fine it never leads to any improvements. The other girls seem to like her and she likes them, but she doesn't integrate with them at school. I think it's a bit of a confidence thing - it's a freakishly bright year and while she's fine academically (above average probably) she sees herself as "outclassed" by the others. I think looking after someone would be great and exactly the sort of thing that would help, but not sure how likely that is - we don't have many incomers unfortunately.