How do I motivate my Year 5 DD?

[alwaysonmymind]

My DD is 9 and in Year 5. She won't be 10 until they split up for the summer. I mention her age because I am really struggling trying to get her to do any homework. It's always a battle and will be left to the night before if I am not on her back. She will find any excuse not to do what she needs to get done.

She has decided that she would like to do the 11+ next Sept. She doesn't have to do it but I explained that she needs to focus and practice regularly. She has been listening to friends who will sit (and probably pass) the exam. They are all the older girls with sisters who have been through the experience before so they have had tutors for months now. I relented and got DD a tutor as I'm not really sure what the whole process involves. Again it is a battle to get her to do any work set.

She is meant to read for 30 mins every night and record in a diary which I sign. Cue me getting presented with the diary the night before the teacher so I can initial it. I have refused lately and written that she hadn't read and I wasn't prepared to help her cover up. I have asked her what books she would like to read, got her to borrow from friends , read to her etc.

I know I can put a book in her hand or sit her at a table but she needs to be responsible for her actions or am I being too hard? I have rewarded any work or reading she has done. I've threatened with pulling her from the exam and banning her from activities etc.

How can I motivate her and keep my blood pressure normal?

I think the way to get her reading is to find her books that she genuinely enjoys. Take her to the library lots and keep getting out different ones until she finds some she likes. Give her free range with £20 at your local bookshop.

My Y5 dd (10 in July) has just finished, and loved, Percy Jackson, Nothern Lights, Ballet Shoes and Beastquest. She has also very much enjoyed the Lemonny Snicket books. She only really started reading books for enjoyment about a year ago and now she is a voracious reader. Prior to this, she just hadn't found any authors she liked and so reading was boring. She intensely disliked lots of the books aimed at girls of her age (e.g. Jackeline Wilson) and just needed to find something that suited her.

Thank you.

We go to the library every fortnight. She picks up a book and says "I don't like the cover" or "the writing's too small." I've borrowed books from her class mates and friends, ones they've enjoyed but after a few pages she says it's not for her. I've bought books from the recommended reading for yr 5 on the school website.

Part of the skill when doing the 11+ is being able to understand a range of vocabulary. You don't get that from Rainbow Magic or Holly Webb books - the only books she will finish.

I know its hard at only 9 but are you able to simply have an honest chat with her...and ask her what she wants....try and explain the bonus of grammar school but without leaving her feel bereft if she doesn't get in.

Or reverse physiology have a heart to heart with her, then totally back off and say you are not bothered its her life decision and if she wants your help you are there but you are not going to fight any more....

If she's in year 5, her 11+ is this September, not next September-just checking you've got the timescale right!

Hi. I have a dd in yr 5 and summer born. We aren't in an 11+ area but thought I'd share the way I approach homework. She is always given it on the same evening - 2 pieces of work. At the beginning of the year I asked her when she would like to do it. We agreed and so that is when she does it. Sometimes she just cracks on with it, sometimes she moans and groans. I say she has 20 mins per piece of work and she does what she does in that time. I am there to support and explain but it is her homework and she needs to do it. Whatever she has done after 20 mins is it! I write in her book if she struggled/had an attitude on/flew through it.
I guess my point is that I am trying to make it her responsibility and I don't find it fun cajoling and "making" her do it.

Rollon - yes I meant this September coming.
She has been in year 5 for 7 months now and maybe I am asking too much of her but shouldn't she have realised by now that a little bit every day is more manageable? Is it my responsibility to monitor all her work? Friends say their DC ( her peers and in her class) do knuckle down when reminded. Now maybe they are playing down the battles but it really can't be as bad as in my house.
I said to her earlier that I'd had enough, it was down to her now, that she had to get her work done. I reminded her when bedtime was and told her that I'd help if she needed. She went into the other room but didn't do anything. I was spying and checked after she had gone to bed - nothing!
See if I leave her then I feel like I'm not being the parent, encouraging etc. I don't want her to say in years to come that I never pushed her enough or helped her go to the school where her friends went.
I feel damned if I do or don't!

Thanks mummy1973 - I feel if I don't help her develop a sense of responsibility I will still be nagging in her ear when she's doing her GCSEs!
Maybe she needs to learn a lesson, by failing to hand work in? Oh I don't know cos that seems harsh.

I also have a year 5 girl though she is January born she is the same. I have a mantra 'it's your homework not mine' and if she is refusing to do it I say 'that's fine you can explain to your teacher why you haven't done it'. I set the timer for the amount of time she has to do the homework and then I am just be in the room with her and will get a dictionary or cut out a picture for her, but nothing more.
I am very hard line as at her age I had been at boarding school for two years and just had to get on with it by myself.

I also have a Y5 DS who will go to any lengths to avoid homework.

I won't force him to do his homework - I take the view that it is his homework and not mine- I will help if asked. If this means he hands in rubbish then that's his fault (and when what he has done is rubbish we have talked about why that is). Helps my stress levels no end once I decided that beyond one gentle reminder I wouldn't push.
He's also realised that he is more likely to get my attention and help if he sits down and makes an effort and we have time to do something about it (i.e. not last minute). I think he is slowly starting to get the point. He's never going to be a child that spends hours on stuff though.

Re the 11+ I think you need a serious talk about expectations.

Thank you everyone.
The great thing about MN is there is always someone in the same boat or already been there!
I think I have to be realistic in that she isn't a voracious reader like me. I am going to sit her down tonight and we can talk through how I can help her to help herself. She goes to after school club 3 days a week. Then it is straight home for dinner. She finds it hard to get stuck into homework as I suppose she wants some down time. The problem is there isn't enough time in the evenings really, especially if she has to wash her hair etc. she really needs to be in bed around 8, takes about half an hour to get to sleep etc. she is really cranky the next day if she hasn't had enough sleep!
I have suggested she could have this time to read but she didn't want to.
Parenting is hard!

Can she not do reading at after school club? DD's school doesn't allow any playing to occur till homework is done from year 3.

leaving her once to do her work isnt enough.

you need to talk to her in a grown up chat and then leave her., it may take two weeks of leaving...

can you leave the hair washing?

Lonecat - I have suggested this as there are others from her class too. Staff have said they can't really make a child sit there and do work. I can understand that.

Bornfree - unfortunately her hair needs washing at least twice a week, probably 3 times, otherwise it's very greasy. Part of me wants her to face up to repercussions when she doesn't do work. It goes against everything as I teach! But it might be a hard lesson and the wake up call she needs

Would the reading be better in the morning ? When does she wake ?

My 10yr old is tired in the evening but she wakes around 7 in the morning most days - she reads then in bed.

Also we tend to have a shower in the morning - she hates being late to school so will wash her hair and move a lot quicker than in the evening when all she has to rush for is bedtime.

All homework is done at the weekend. If we are going away it would be Friday night or it comes with us.

Has she done a test paper for 11+ ?
We did one that I got from a google search and she decided that she didn't want to put the time into the tutoring for it. I would call a halt to that if she won't even do her school work tbh.

This late on for the exam she would need to put in huge amounts of time and work to pass.

I always find that honesty is the best policy and not dressing up the truth.
Ask her tutor what chance she stands at 11+ with her present application. Perhaps have the tutor speak to her and then back it up yourself. Once she realises it is hard work and commitment she will either buckle down or give up on the idea of grammar school.
You can encourage her but after this it is down to her.
I think your attitude of leaving her to it is fine, if she is dedicated wild horses won't stop her. I know because I have one exactly the same.

Thanks everyone. We have had a chat and I told her about this thread! I have read out some of your suggestions too. She told me as she went to bed that she would start to do something every day! We'll see but I think she was a bit shocked that I have asked others for their advice! She was surprised that it was suggested that it may be too late to prep for 11+ and she has said she wants to carry on and do the test

As I've said on other threads, DS's HT recommends audio books for stretching vocab and attention span. DS yr5 has enjoyed Famous Five (lovely clipped tones), Narnia, The Hobbit, Tales of King Arthur (read by Sean Bean).

If she wants to take the 11+ that presumably means she wants to have a chance of getting into a grammar school? The ethos in many grammar schools is that children WANT to work, and work HARD!

Does she just want to go to grammar to be at the same school as her friends? I am all for children going to grammar, if they have the ability, but more importantly, are prepared for the work - and, to use a 'Gove' word - rigour, that is expected.

If she isn't prepared for that level of effort and commitment, she might be happier at a comprehensive, where he would still get a worthwhile education, but in a slightly more relaxed environment.