Yr 4 friendship problems - at what point should I speak to the teacher?

[LingDiLong]

My 9 year old DD has been having some friendship issues with her best friend since the start of the school year. It started off as a load of bickering when a 3rd child also started playing with the best friend. All sounded very 6 of 1 half a dozen of the other at that point with various arguments between them. Lately it seems to have got much more unpleasant. The best friend seems to very much prefer the 3rd party, which is fair enough although obviously unpleasant for DD. She's not just being deliberately left out though, the best friend is making lots of unpleasant comments to her; every picture she does is rubbish or stupid, she's now a 'loser friend' not a best friend apparently. I have encouraged DD to play with others and she has been but the minute the 3rd party dumps the best friend she goes running back to DD who is delighted that they are friends again. only for the cycle to begin again the next day.

At what point do I ask for some adult intervention from her teacher? Last week was restorative practice week at her school so maybe they can use some of what they are supposed to have learned.
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I would ask to have a quiet word with the teacher.
See what they have noticed at school and make them aware.
Good luck.

Thanks I might just do that!

Gosh I don't know - I am generally a strong believer in letting kids get on with their own friendships without direct adult interference. Unless, of course, bullying is taking place (which I don't think it is in this case, more like girly bitchiness kicking in early!).

I think its best to teach children about friendships and relationships and how to handle them, rather than asking a teacher to keep an eye, who then might interfere / tell your DD's friend to be nice to her / join in / play together / play nicely etc etc.

At the end of the day, whilst its a hard lesson to learn aged 9 years old, I personally think its best to spend time talking to your daughter and equipping her with the skills she needs to deal with such so-called 'friends', as no doubt she will meet many more girls like this in the future, where there won't be any kindly adults who can step in and help resolve the situation.

Sorry to contradict - yes by all means speak to the teacher about it, but I'd be reticent to ask for any direct intervention. I suspect the so called friend needs to learn a few lessons of her own, which she will hopefully do when she realises she can't treat her best friend in such a nasty way.

Sugarhoops,
what kind of thing would you say in order to equip her with the skills she needs to deal with these so called friends?

Curious as I have had rhe the same issues with dd1 and now ds and dd2 seem to be having rhe the same issues. Usually I can phrase things in a way that they can understand but I strugfle with this issue. I think it may be down to my own insecurities re friendships.

argh...
the
the
and struggle!

Repeatedly calling someone a loser is not bitchiness it's bullying and the teacher will treat it as that. They are still at the age where a teacher needs to step in about this.
In the mean time I found the book 'Stand up For Yourself And Your Friends' really good when my dd had this issue in year 3. It was all very well telling her what I would do/say in this situation, but this book helped her work out what was comfortable for her to say.

I think yes you can try and advise your daughter with how to deal with the situation but an extra eye and awareness from the teacher maybe helpful. I would probably talk to teacher without dd being there.

Sugarhoops, I do agree and I feel I've been trying that for a while now. Unfortunately, whether it's my duff advice or her being too young to properly deal with it, it's not working. In fact it's escalating. Defineme, thanks for that book recommendation I'll definitely take a look at it!

SapphireMoon, yes I won't even tell DD I'm going I think. I don't really want the teacher to wade in and yell at the nasty kids for picking on DD - it's more that I want him to perhaps do some more subtle work with the class about kindness/relationships or whatever.

Thanks all!