How to help bright, introverted DS(5)

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DS is 5 (6 in July) and in Y1. He is very academically able, and really enthusiastic about learning, however we repeatedly get the same comments from teachers (and before that from nursery staff), and I'm keen to help him before there is an academic impact.

Essentially he is introverted and reluctant to participate in teacher-led group discussions, or even answer verbal questions from his teacher. Although, e.g., he is a great reader (and clearly does understand what he is reading) if asked comprehension questions he will usually say "I don't know" (we think to try to avoid being drawn into a discussion, or to avoid being 'wrong'). Ditto with maths - he is really very able here, but reluctant to explain his thoughts and working. Neither his teacher nor us think that his is an issue of ability, as when he is asked to do the same exercises as part of a worksheet / electronically he scores very well - he just doesn't want to talk!

He is fine in the playground - has lots of friends, plays happily with the other children. He is impeccably behaved at school (not always at home!). He just becomes very quiet in the classroom (although interestingly less so in PE and art/music - his music teacher says that he is an enthusiastic participant in music class, in particular). We are told that if the teacher asks a question to the whole class, he will never, ever volunteer the answer, yet if she specifically picks him to answer he usually knows (I have long noticed that at parties he will often be the only children looking the other way and thinking "don't pick me" while all of the others raise their hands if an entertainer asks for an assistant).

He is not especially quiet at home, although he is clearly an introvert, and will happily spend hours reading, writing, drawing etc on his own. He has much more extrovert siblings.

His teacher has suggested that we need to work on him knowing that his opinions are valued, and building his confidence to try sharing his thoughts. I feel like I have failed him a bit here, although I can't quite work out how (I feel as if his whole life I've told him that his work is great, that his pictures are brilliant, that he's such a clever boy... Maybe I've put too much emphasis on this?).

Any suggestions? As he gets older I'm worried that this will start to impact academically, as he won't be assessed as being as able as he is if he can't demonstrate it. Fundamentally I want to support him and let him know that being introverted is fine, but that there's an extent to which he needs to "play the game". I feel as if today's curriculum is far more geared towards extrovert children!

ok well firstly it has nothing to do with what you have done, he is his own little person. It sounds like he has a loving and encouraging home but he happens to be naturally anxious/introverted/perfectionist.

Unfortunately classrooms (and the world in general) are more in favour of extroverts like you say. I have worked with people over the years who are actually often rubbish at their jobs but who are outgoing, confident and can talk the talk and they are usually the ones who are promoted quickly (then others have to do their work for them).

anyway I digress. I would find out if your school does any sort of ELSA (Emotional Literacy Support) as that could be tailored to help him. I think you are right that he is worried he will get something wrong. if he writes it down then he isn't present to find out if it is wrong but if he says it then he is worried if it is wrong he will either get told off or people will laugh. most of us have this to a certain degree. It comes along with social anxiety and perfectionism.

I think you need to help him learn that it is ok to make mistakes or get something wrong, nothing bad will happen. We have gone through this with our yr1 child too and she has really taken it on board although in a recent IQ test she had to have to establish a learning difficulty area she did find the verbal questions much harder. not the ones where she had to repeat something or work out an answer but the ones where she had to give an opinion for want of a better description of the task. She kept saying 'I don't know' when I know she does know and the lady taking it said that it was obvious it was an 'I think I know but I am not going to say in case I am wrong' situation.

Reassure him nothing bad can happen, perhaps let him see you make mistakes but ask the school about what they can do. School are in a better position to do this because it is there that he has the problem.

He sounds like me, as a child.
I was bright, very good on paper, but reluctant to answer in class. I knew the answer, if asked, but would never volunteer, ever.

It was like stage fright, I was so scared I would be wrong, or make a fool of myself, that I literally dried up and froze.

Particular triggers, if it helps, were lessons where they went around the class and I knew my turn was coming. And language classes in secondary.

This went on through my school days, with the exception of 6th form. I think the smaller classes, and teacheds who seemed to value my opinion, rather than wanting a correct answer, helped a lot. Also, I had one teacher who made a point of asking me almost every question, if my hand was not up. It became a joke with him, and I lost my fear.

If it helps, happy to tell you more.

One of the systems we use at my school is to have a pot with sticks in. Every child's name is on a stick. The teacher asks a question and then pulls a stick out of the pot and that child is chosen to answer. It stops the more extroverted children being chosen all the time and makes it clear to all children that they could be the one about to be chosen.

Over time, the children become more comfortable, although the extrovert children do find it a little frustrating to start with. We also use "learning partners", where pairs of children discuss a question together and come up with a shared answer. This can also help quieter children to have their ideas heard.

What does he do out of school?

I would look into a group activity that he may enjoy like beavers.

He sounds very much like my DS who is now in yr4. I can say (in the case of my DS) that it does get better as they get older/mature.

DS is still very quiet but is very confident academically (he wasn't in yr1 although was strong then) and he will join in class discussions (although still prompted by the teacher) and answer questions etc.

Personally I would have a chat with your DS to find out why he doesn't like answering direct questions (with my DS it was a combination of everyone looking at him and a fear of getting the answer wrong).

Also that in order to get harder work then the teacher needs to see that he can do the easier work. What did help in yr1 (slightly) was me explaining that the teacher would far rather he attempt to answer a question and get it wrong than the "I don't know" as then the teacher doesn't know if he knows it or not iyswim.

Thanks for the responses. It is reassuring to know that others have been in this boat.

I love the pot with sticks idea, although I don't think I'd be brave enough to make the suggestion to his teacher, but I may try to introduce something similar at home for when we are all sitting around chatting.

I will speak to him about why he gets so worried, and see if I can gently persuade him to be more forthcoming. He is bright enough to understand that he won't get such interesting work if he doesn't give answers. I think pressing home the "any answer is better than none" / nothing bad will happen message might help him (this is probably not the message that is given to the class as a whole - full of very outgoing children - at school).

I will also seem to the school about what support they can offer. Although they have identified an issue, so far they are not really proposing any outside-the-box solutions (and the just picking on him in circle time approach doesn't seem to be helping), and I am feeling a bit worn down by suggestions that we need to make him feel valued and raise his self esteem. I don't want to sound too defensive, but I've always really tried with this, and as his main problems are at school then I agree, nonickname that they are better places to help.

I'll look at his out of school activities too. He doesn't really do much at is group based - he has riding lessons, has just started violin lessons, and goes to an art club (he has very much chosen these activities himself), but so far we've held off in beavers (partly because it's late, and he is tired by that time of day). Maybe it is time for a less solitary activity.

sitting, it is really useful to hear your experience, and I would love to know more (DS is quite different to DH and I in this respect, so I struggle to emphathise and am sure that I often get it wrong).

Try reading Raising a left brained child in a right brained world. It is a bit of a rant about the skew in the american school system in favour of extroverts but i found it a useful insight and there are tips for how to accomodate different learning styles. The book suggests that the freeform discussion which happens in classrooms is very intimidating with extroverts being favoured as a result. If your teacher is able to do some of the suggestions above that might help make things more structured.

Also second the idea of groups. We opted for Woodcraft Folk because we can all go as a family and support our son in difficult situations for him. Scouts they have to go on their own so he could still feel overwhelmed or avoid dfifficult things depending on the particular group. Good luck - you are not alone!

Cross posted!

Also model making mistakes and learning from them at home to show that it is an expected/necessary part of learning.

Picking on him at circle time is going to make him much worse! He needs space to feel comfortable rather than extra attention which will make him clam up. (speaking from personal experience!)

Hi again. My parents tore their hair out coming up with suggestions, but many actually made me worse.

Any activity involving picking on children in turn was a nightmare. I would literally have nightmares about it.

Talking to me about it, and attempts to improve my confidence just crushed me. I wanted to please - but I just couldn't do it.

I was VERY confident in other ways. Lots of clubs, sports, music, friends - I joined in everything. Still do. I just hated answering questions in large groups.

As an adult, I am still best at one to one situations (I am a lawyer, and rarely have groups of more than four in a meeting at once), but I do sit on the school governing body and various committees without a problem. I am just not a natural public speaker.

I am a teaching assistant working with children in year 1 and 2. As part of my work I run small speech and language groups.

I work mainly with children who speak English as an additional language and children with speech and language difficulties. As part of these groups children who are reluctant to speak in class are included. I have seen these children increase in confidence when speaking in the classroom.

Perhaps ask your school if I would be possible for your son to take part in a small speech group.
www.speechmark.net/shop/language-thinking
is one resource I use with a group of year 2 children currently. The adult pitches the questions to the child's level and the children also benefit from listening to other children's answers. It is so much easier for many children to speak in a small group.

Thanks again, this is really useful, I will order that book and look into speech and language groups (I hadn't thought in that sort of way at all, as he has always been very articulate in situations where he is comfortable, but I can see that it might help him in the classroom/ group situations).

sitting - thanks again, that is helpful, and you do sound like DS! He is hard to describe as he's not exactly shy in general, and of my children he is by far the one who know his own mind best - he is very confident and determined in the decisions he makes, just not confident in public speaking situations. Interestingly he seems fine with public performing if no speaking is required - taking part in music concerts and singing with the school choir are not an issue at all, which makes me wonder if it is fear of being wrong, as these things are rehearsed and he is confident in his abilities, which is the issue. He certainly places a lot of value on being clever and good at his work, so perhaps he doesn't want to risk this view being challenged (although ironically his approach is leading to just this).

I was a quiet child. My first suggestion is that you don't force him to change his nature, I was always compared with my more extrovert sister and I grew up thinking something was wrong with me. It is okay to be quiet, it is okay to be an introvert.

By the way, I was also very good at performing in public (music and ballet), to me this indicates that it is not lack of confidence, some people simply don't like having the spot light on themselves.

Regarding always telling him how clever he is, how great everything he does is (you mention this in your post), this is a double edged sword. It is good to praise, but it you overdo it then I think children grow up thinking that you will get upset if they ever do something wrong and are therefore afraid to fail. I praise my son if he really deserves it. We also play lots of board games at home and he is used to losing sometimes which seems to have helped with the more competitive nature, we also do lots of sports together (cycling, little games of football, swimming) and when we engage in races or scoring, we allow him to lose so that he can see that its fine to lose sometimes.

I was also fine on stage, in choirs, orchestras etc. I got to grade 8 flute, played loads of sport in front of audiences etc. Inside, I am very confident of my mind - I'm actually very sure and confident. It's just speaking out in groups.

I think what I wanted more than anything was to be left to get on with it.

I bought the Sensitive Child book for my DS, and I can see a lot of myself in that too. It may be worth a read?

Btw, I think your DS sounds lovely! Give him a huge hug and tell him he's smashing.

Bless him, he sounds lovely and bright.

I do think there is a societal pressure to value extroversion over introversion, which I don't agree with. I think though there is a difference if he is afraid to speak out. Is it fear do you think? Or that he genuinely doesn't really enjoy discussions? He might also be bored so can't be bothered listening to silly adults when he could get on with working himself, again I sympathize. My husband is like this, a lawyer also, he gets his academic kicks from working solo, finds the majority of 'group' work dull, ineffectual, and a load of ego massaging!

But fear is different. My friends daughter was like this at your son's age. She enrolled her in stagecoach or similar acting lessons. A year later she was transformed. Turns out she is an amazing dancer and off to audition for junior Royal Ballet. The would have been utterly unthinkable 2 yrs previously.

Something like acting or extracurricular would be a good step I think. It could make bugger all difference, as he is now how he will always be. However if fear is involved then it will allay that. It will also make you feel like you have really tried everything you can and get rid of your, unfounded but understandable, guilt.
X

Also, board games at home? Junior trivial pursuit? Something with buzzers? Getting him to want to give answers?
He may be too young but junior debating? He can research the answers before he has to speak

I do wonder if my parents sought out advice about this - we played board games every Sunday evening (Songs of Praise, Antiques Roadshow etc).

I loved Mastermind - where you guessed the code. Thought Ludo was pointless. Absolutely hated Trivial Pursuits. Every time I got an answer wrong, ny sister laughed at me. I used to end up in bed, sobbing under the covers...

Oh, DD was like this. Never volunteered an answer for anything; sat in the far corner of the mat from teacher. No boos to the goose. I distinctly recall teacher saying something like "Yes she is very quiet for such a bright child."

It changed, big time, she's now my most outgoing uber-confident DC.

I think, allowing for a general supportive environment, if outgoing confidence is in them it will come out, and if it's not in them then don't try to push it.