Summer Born DS - Worried about school start this Sept

[Kat1973]

Hi, I hope you can help me please. The nearer I'm getting to being offered a reception place for DS this Sept the more worried I feel about his emotional readiness. He will be 4 mid July.
I'm a SAHM and due to work/family circumstances DS has only really been used to me looking after him. I tried preschool earlier this year to get him used to being away from me but he was very distressed at being left and after a half term of showing no signs of improvement I stopped it. It was rather unstructured and also a bit overrun by the large number of older boys (who seem much louder, boisterous and confident and have already got good friendships with one another) who will actually be in the same class as DS - the class will be about 75% boys! I feel this is not a great balance, especially knowing DS' personality (he's not particularly boisterous and can seem aloof with other children but is sweet and imaginative and actually quite gregarious with those familiar to him), but there is not much I can do about it. We are trying out a new preschool after Easter which has a good reputation but just for one weekly session.
On top of the separation anxiety I really worry because although he is more or less toilet trained, once we are out of the house he will not voluntarily go or ask to go to the loo and I have to prompt or take him. He really lacks independence here and I've tried everything! (This was a problem when he was at preschool). He does get distressed if he has an accident and I don't know how much this will have improved by September.
Although I am almost certainly only going to start DS part time as I think full time will be too great a shock, I am now questioning whether he will be emotionally ready at all (I do believe we start schooling too young in UK). I would consider home educating him for YR and possibly Y1 until I believe he is more confident, and more ready for formal schooling. Has anyone experience of this - good or bad?
Has anyone else had similar experiences around this time of year only to find that actually their DC was actually more than ready by the time September came?
Many thanks!

Yes...my DD is summer born...late July and I was SO anxious about her. She did have a shy start...she was very quiet and found it overwhelming and I struggled to let her go as like you, she'd only been with me.

She's 9 now and in year 5...(gone VERY fast) and tonight was told that she has the highest spelling age in the class, her levels are ahead of the national average and she's absolutely fine! He will be fine...the toilet thing...he won't be the only one and I PROMISE you that. Loads of the DC in reception aren't reliable.

Is it your choice to do only one session a week at the pre-school after Easter? If it is your choice, I would strongly suggest putting your ds in for at least 2 sessions a week. I'm a nursery teacher and we don't offer either a single session or single day as we find that children experience more difficulties settling because it's just too long between visits, and because a single session or day just doesn't provide the opportunities to build relationships with either adults or children.

I agree - I'd up the weekly session at the new pre-school. It might sound harsh, but I think you need to push your DS now otherwise he might find school transition really difficult, whether now or after home schooling for 2 years.

Does your school of choice offer phased entry? OUr school said summer born babies could go part time until after christmas (eg half days, alternating between mornings and afternoons). This worked brilliantly well for phasing in the summer babies. However, some summer babies were full time from day 1 and coped brilliantly anyway!

I do wonder (from your post, and I hope you don't mind me saying) whether the anxiety is mainly from you as his mum? THis is perfectly natural and I think perhaps once you know your school place, go and set up a meeting with your sons teacher and explain everything - they will want to put your mind at rest.

Good luck, its a big step for both you and your son, reception teachers are generally brilliant and understand toilet issues, confidence problems etc. My son only played with quiet girls the first 6 months in reception. He loved it!

I would also up the once weekly if at all possible. It's a huge gap between sessions and may not be helpful.

Hi. I have a dd with a late July birthday and she is now 9 and in yr5! Your DC will change a lot between now and Sept but keep in mind that you can see how it goes nearer the time and make decisions then. Throughout school we've had many, many situations good and not so good that we could never have anticipated. Try to go with what you have at the time. As a control freak I have to tell myself this frequently!

I think 6 months makes a huge difference at this age, so I wouldn't make any concrete decisions until September. I agree with the others about pre-school sessions, once a week is not enough for him to settle or to make friends with the other children or the adults. Do you know any of the children who will be in his class? Can you arrange some play-dates so he gets to know them a bit over the summer?
They learn so much about school routines in YR and will form friendships, I think it would be even more difficult for a quiet/shy child to join in later once friendship groups are established and everyone else is into the swing of it.
If phased entry is available that sounds like a good compromise so it's not too overwhelming for him.

Another vote for more than one preschool session a week if possible. Our preschool stopped allowing it as the once-a-weekers never settled well and it is a lifetime in between sessions for small people, so they forget it was ok last time. Better none than one, in my opinion.

September is a long way off and things can move fast at this age. Get your place, talk to the school and perhaps try part time. If he is seriously unready, or reception is disastrous, then you can still pull out and home ed. But harder to get a space later if you pull out now and change your mind over the summer. My DS was still having an afternoon nap in reception, toileting was interesting (he just refused to go at school) and he was autumn-born and not the only one with those issues. He still mostly enjoyed it though. It depends on the child, not the birthdate.

I home educate and have run across a number of parents (including myself) who didn't think school would suit their child at four and planned to send them a bit later. In some cases it was because they expected their child would find school a struggle at four. In other cases - like my older dd - the parents anticipated that the child would have coped with school, but would have been happier spending that time doing other things and delaying school start.

Some of these parents have gone ahead with the original plan of sending their child to school later on, while others have decided that they quite liked home education and didn't want to send them at all. My older daughter didn't start school until nine, and her sister (now seven) is unlikely to go at all.

As far as I know I have not yet met anyone who wishes they had sent their children to school younger. Staying out of school initially doesn't seem to hamper their ability to fit in later. How it turns out varies.

Many kids such as my older dd adapt to school effortlessly, as the added maturity makes such a difference. In the case of a "school-shaped" child (by which I mean a child who potentially could thrive at school), if you can afford to wait until your child is actually ready for school then almost by definition it is going to be an easy transition. In other cases, the parents' instinct that school would be a poor fit for their four year old turned out to be a long-term issue: for instance, the child may eventually be diagnosed with special needs which are hard to address in a school environment, and the parent may decide that school is never going to be the right plan.

I do agree that your child may change a lot and you can keep your options open by accepting the school place and then deciding later exactly what to do. In the meantime, you might meet up with families in your area who home educate, so you can get a realistic idea what that might be like and another viewpoint about how your son's future might look if you decide to delay his start at school. When everyone you know is using school, it can be hard to assess alternatives and to feel OK about taking a different path.

Some children (e.g. my summer born DD) are "school shaped", as the previous poster said, outgoing, independent, verbal, excited by the activities and the environment. But many aren't (and Im thinking my DS will fall more into this category though he's only 2.5 at the mo).

I think if I were you I would try getting him used to a couple of mornings of preschool. He is 3.5 now so he is old enough to understand that you will be back for him. However if you give that a really good try and he is still very unhappy, then perhaps think about homeschooling. He may well not be a "school shaped" child at this point of his life.

Thank you very much for your replies. They are all really helpful.

In some ways it is me poopsydaisy. He probably worries very little about school but mainly because I try not to talk to him about it too much until I know when he may start. (We've got a few books about starting school, including a lovely Allan Ahlberg one). That said the separation anxiety that he shows is definitely there, as is the reluctance to use the loo in different settings to the home. I was really taken aback just a couple of weeks ago when he cried simply because it was tidy up time at his playgroup and he was in the next room with a biscuit while I was helping the other adults. When I asked him about it later he said it was like when I left him at preschool. He said he just wants his mummy. He is mixing with one of the boys from his new pre-school and some others who go there will go to his school so that will be helpful. We're always out and about walking the dog and in the playpark so we get to see other local children too. I've also just discovered a really nice toddler group that looks like a pre-school - home corner, craft and playdough table, outdoor play area. We'll definitely go back. There are local mums there too.

Littlefish - it was my idea about one weekly session although in a reply from the nursery teacher she has suggested building this up to 2. I appreciate the feedback from so many of you that 2 sessions would be better.

Saracen - I like the phrase ''school shaped''. I suspect DS will thrive in school eventually, even if he isn't ready to start at the same time as everyone else. I think it is sometimes hard to go against the grain when you are very much in the minority. I do get quite a few raised eyebrows simply because DS isn't in preschool. Out of interest, did you follow the national curriculum for DD1 - did that help her with the transition to starting school? I am very pro HE but I think because DS will be an only child I would prefer him to go to school eventually. If not YR then Y1 or Y2.

It's all been going round and round in my head so much lately but it has helped to gather other views. I'm really lucky in that the school DS will most likely go to are willing to allow part time attendance and I believe phased deferral to Jan or Easter. I think we will probably accept the reception place, and decide nearer September whether he starts then (based on how he adapts to the new pre-school and how his toileting is going!) or at a later date. I am also going to keep a very open mind about deferring and/or HE.

Thanks once again.

Both my boys are summer born - 30th July and 18th August. The first was definitely school shaped, and when he started, four years ago, they took all the summer borns in January by which time he was definitely ready.

The second was less school shaped, developmentally way behind where his brother had been, and had to start full time in September, just after his 4 th birthday. He wasn't completely toilet trained and his speech was not good.

Number two son definitely wasn't ready for formal learning in September of reception. Phonics went over his head, he still couldn't hold a pencil at Xmas, etc etc. Having said that, he had a lovely time. Although he was the youngest, the other kids were spread through the year. (In my head it was him and 27 September born girls). So the teachers were quite used to dealing with very young four year olds. There was a nursery nurse as well as a teacher in the class and they were physically located with the nursery and did lots of things (like playtime) with the nursery class, not the main school.

So he didn't learn a great deal for much of that year but nor was it an inappropriate, harsh environment for such a young child.

Oh, and half way through year 1, the academic stuff has suddenly fallen into place. Once he turned five he finally seemed ready and has been going great guns ever since.

DS is an end of August, he turned 4 the week before he started school and is the youngest in the year. I worried about whether he would manage to get his lunch, a drink, the loo, getting dressed and undressed for PE and swimming, as I think all parents do. He was absolutely fine, in fact he loved it from day 1. Reception teachers and TA's are fully aware that children come from all different scenarios, SAHMS, nursery, nannies, childminders, a combination of full time and part time and they are trained to deal with this. But, I would try and get him used to being away from you if you can, to encourage some independence, and to talk to him about school so he can gradually get used to the idea.

I thought about deferral for ds but I am glad i didn't. Friendship groups were formed in the first few weeks and I think phonics would be hard to catch up with if the class have moved on, although, of course it can be dealt with if you decide it is best. Part time however would have worked well, although it wasn't feasible for me with my work/wrap around childcare situation.

I have a mid-late August born DS currently in YR. My DS sounds very similar to yours in terms of personality, and he did struggle with separation anxiety in the first term of preschool (he had been with a CM for 2 years so not quite the same situation to yours). He got over it at about the point he was developmentally more ready to start making friends. With a more sensitive preschool after Easter you may find he settles better. Its OK for him to miss you, its very understandable and normal, but he is also likely to get a lot out of the play opportunities,and you can monitor this closely with the staff. I was always reassured that DS stopped crying as soon as I was out of eyeshot and played happily during the session. When DS missed me we used to talk about this, so that he felt understood, and then I would go on to ask about what he had been doing that day. Remember that telling you "I miss you" is not the same as saying "I hate it and I don't want to go". He's allowed to have mixed feelings about it.

My DS has settled brilliantly at school and very much enjoys it. He is very 'school-shaped' though (nice phrase btw) and you wouldn't really notice a difference between him and his peers. Interestingly his class is 75% boys like yours will be. My DS is definitely much more gentle than some of the other boys but this has been fine. He's made good friends and the teacher is very thoughtful about the different personalities in the class.

I also had lots of worries about toileting. DS only really 'got' it at 3.5 and i was concerned. He came on so much in the next 6 months though. So much so that I didn't give it a second thought when he started and its never been an issue. And if it is, the other posters are quite right, they get SO much help with everything in foundation. I've found it to be a very nurturing environment. You could always make an appointment to see your DS's new teacher once you get the place confirmed to talk through your worries.

Hi Kat!

"Out of interest, did you follow the national curriculum for DD1 - did that help her with the transition to starting school?"

No, not at all. At home she did "autonomous" (child-led) education and she didn't choose to do any formal learning at all, except for a couple of workbooks in total during those years. What she learned was through taking a general interest in the world, talking to people, reading, watching documentaries, and trying things out. When she started school, in some subjects she was "ahead" of her classmates and in others she was "behind" but that didn't matter. The novelty factor was part of what made her popular with her peers, I think. She knew different things and had different skills to share with them.

DS is summer born (July) and never went to play groups, nursery, childminder or even a babysitter, the only time he left my side was when he was with my parents, who we lived with.

Just before school allocations I was terrified he wouldn't settle and wasn't ready, by the middle of the summer he was ridiculously excited and obviously ready after my Dad did a lot of talking about how awesome school is and on the first day of school he barely said good bye to me (I however cried like a baby the second he couldn't see me) and has loved every second of school. He's year 5 now and doing brilliantly.

reception DD is winter-born but we struggled with toileting up til about 2 months before she started school when it finally clicked.

There's a lot of time between now and September and they grow so quickly at this age so I wouldn't worry too much yet.

My summer born DD goes to preschool only once a week and I haven't found it a problem in terms of her settling in. That said, I am upping her sessions to three sessions for the summer term and would have upped it to two earlier if I could have as she was ready a while back. All this totally depends on the child. Part of me thinks what is the point of settling in to a preschool setting when the reception year is all about settling into school. But my DD is obviously ready for more preschool would be gutted to wait longer to go to school. But I will hold back my August born son if when the time comes it feels right to. He will be going with people who are almost five and have been home /preschool all that time... it won't hurt to keep him off til he is ready. Even a month or so could make a difference an he could presumably carry on at a preschool he was settled into?

My DD is alo not fully toilet trained. I am trying to tell myself that five months is a long time when you are not yet four!

I don't often read the Primary Ed board as my DC are older, but from the POV of someone who has this behind them I thought I'd weigh in.

My dd2 was born 27th August and started school full time, no flexibilty, eight days after her fourth birthday, and went into a class of 30, which was about 75% autumn born.

She definitely wasn't ready, she could just about recognise her name (four letters) , had no clue about phonics, not independent in the toilet, had speech delay but no Statement, and struggled with making friends. I was heavily pregnant with DD3 as well- just to throw that into the emotional maelstrom.

I won't lie and say it was a breeze. If I'm honest all of reception and Y1 was a bit of a struggle. She would always rather be playing, climbing, getting messy etc, and just didn't understand the point of school, she was too busy for it!

But it fell into place at the start of Y2.

She is 15 now and the youngest in her Year to sit her GCSEs this year.
She is predicted A*/A in all her subjects (though I have to admit, her teachers still do pull their hair out a bit with her disorganisation!)

He will get there, be ready for plenty of love and cuddles when he gets home.

Just another mum of a summer born who was worried but mine was fine!

Ds1 is quite a quiet, gentle thing and I was so anxious about school but from the first day he loved it.... Got very tired, and still does in Yr1, but is so much more confident and loves telling us all the things he learns.

I would say he was very much bottom of the class academically for all of reception - he never noticed or was bothered and teachers weren't worried. As soon as he turned 5 it just seemed to click and he's progressed massively over the last 2 terms, so he wasn't ready to 'learn' until 5 but loved the social side from 4.

The teachers are so used to dealing with this though and can instantly suss out their personalities and what works for them individually.

I'd wait to see where you get a place then talk to the staff about your concerns plus wait and see how he continues to develop over next few months.

Then you also have option of starting him and if it's not working talk to school about flex time or take him out till older.

My late Aug DD1 was fine - though like your DC wasn't great at asking to go to loo an did have a few accidents in reception. Bar one incident with student teacher teaching staff were great and DD1 wasn't only DC with an issue. By yr1 she was fine. Rest of school she was great with and surprised hell out of me by taking to it so well and clearly enjoying it.

DS - late spring birthday has many more problems settling. Teacher was used to older DC and wasn't great generally despite it being at same school. DS came home in soiled clothes more than once. Didn't settle well with other DC and didn't do great academically. Did fine in yr 1 though with much better teacher and being that little big older.

Have you seen the Facebook campaign for starts in reception a year later at age 5 for summer born DC? A few local authorities are now offering flexibility and there was new DfE guidance in summer 2013 (with no legal force unfortunately).

Thank you everyone again for the additional replies. KittyOSullivanKrauss how very similar our situations are! :)

As a quick update...From our school tour in Nov, we had verbal agreement from the HT that DS could continue mornings only until we felt he was ready. Unfortunately HT has since reneged on this and will now only allow either deferral to another point in the year, or afternoons only. For countless reasons we don't feel afternoons are appropriate for our DS. We are now in the position where we can appeal to the governing body (not the best way to start your child in school!) or accept a later start.

Needless to say, we are feeling very deflated and losing trust in the HT/school. We only applied to one school as it is in our village.

Dozer - Thanks for the heads up on the Facebook group!

Kat,

A practical point (I speak as a now-teacher who has also done HE): is the school you have planned for your DS oversusbscribed? In other words, does it have 30 in each class / each year group in KS1?

This can be achieved in different ways (e.g. an entry number of 20, but 2 classes in KS1, both of 30, an entry number of 30 giving 1 class each year. an entry number of 15 but a Y1/2 class of 30, an entry number of 90 over 3 classes, so 9 classes in KS1.....) but what matters is 'is there a point in Reception / KS1 when the class has 30 in it?'

If so, then a decision not to start school in Reception, and to HE until Y1 or Y2 can cause problems - because when you want a place, there won't be one, as the class size can't go over 30 by law. You can start any time in Reception, and keep your place, but what you can't do is NOT start in Reception and turn up asking for a place in Y1 or Y2. If the class has 30 pupils in at that point, you can't be given a place - and 'oh I decided to HE for a bit' isn't a strong basis for an appeal for your child to be wedged into a class as the 31st child.

If the school is normally undersubscribed, with class sizes always under 30, then youy have more options. However, numbers of children applying for reception places is higher every year, so even if e.g. it looks as if there aren't enough children in yiour village to fill a class of 30 / there has never been a clas of 30, you may find that numbers quickly rise to 30 with children displaced from other schools that are unusually full in the coming years.

Not sure about the school decision although a few things spring to mind:

1. Is this the only school he can go to? Is there another near by that may suit him more?
2. Can you talk to the school now to see how you feel about their approach to your child? Esp within his year group?
3. My DD(4yrs) was like this, although Jan born, and until very recently was not ready. But suddenly a switch flicked around her 4th birthday, so I would second what others have said re the next 6 months could bring great change. He might be like a rabbit in headlights fr the first 6 months but then adore his group of boys! WWIW too, children tend to love older kids, and he would have role models to look up to.
4. I would really consider taking the place as the teacher's post above suggested, you can always change your mind. And I think he really needs to start school before you can really decide about much of this.
5. You sound very uncertain. I think children pick up on this. My daughter only really changed when I became quite definitive about school. So.... I would suggest also looking at why you are uncertain as perhaps it is a mix of: you think he is too young/the school year group is not ideal therefore you are uncertain as to handing him over/it will be a huge emotional wrench for your child to go to school and maybe you are not ready yet?

I would drop me DD off at nursery (failed completely) and feel dreadful, not excited that she could have her little group of friends. It really failed. Tried nursery twice, bah. She was too 'young', but may well have had a far better experience if I was really behind it.

teacherwith2kids - Thanks for the info. Historic allocation shows 2 out of the past 3 years there were spaces. It's unlikely to be oversubscribed this coming year from what I gather but I understand what you are saying about the risk of losing the place if we turned the place down for YR/Y1 HE and it turned out to be oversubscribed.

bluewisteria - You're right - I think there is still a large part of me that is uncertain, partly because of all the things you raise in point 5, and also because I am finding it a huge challenge trying to weigh up the pros and cons of the options available... we live in a village with only one primary school. If I look for a school that can offer mornings only, he would be schooled away from the community and potential friends within it. If we stick to the school in the village he has to either start afternoons only (a no no in my view) or defer until Jan/Easter but he would be the only one starting late and I worry he'll struggle to fit in. If we appeal to the governing body about the HTs change of mind, we feel we've broken bridges before we've even started. If we did HE for YR/Y1 we risk him not getting into the school at all. It's a huge decision. I think the only thing I'm clear on at the moment is that a full time start in September is not an option! Out of interest, did you mean that you decided against nursery/preschool for your DD? Is she starting full time Sept?