Shouty teacher upsetting ds1 (Y3). WWYD?

[MerryMarigold]

To cut a long story short: Ds1 has some anxiety issues. He's quite negative about himself too. He also has some developmental delay (finds it difficult to maintain focus, but is not disruptive, prone to daydreaming, forgetful, disorganised etc.). Anyway, suffice to say his teacher is not hugely sympathetic, is not one for much praise or encouragement (although she does try, it's just not natural) and can be quite shouty. The other day he got sent to the deputy head's office during breaktime to re-do some work which he had done 'wrong'. (I don't think he understood, he actually did more than asked, but not exactly what was asked).

He has been having some problems with eating, probably due to the anxiety. I've been wondering whether to address it with the teacher as whenever she says anything about him to me, it is always negative even if she is trying to be a bit funny, like rolling eyes and "forgot his lunch box AGAIN." Tonight he said he doesn't want to go to school because his teacher shouts at him. (He never says he doesn't want to go to school). I am not sure how to bring this up. I am really non confrontational, but I feel I need to say something as it is really affecting him. I know she may be going through her own stuff too.

I would still like Rosemary to make some helpful suggestions on making dcs more resilient because I have asked every teacher who has complained about dd's sensitivity for advice and they are stumped.

Building resilience in childhood - loads of tips, in addition to which teachers and school staff should be promoting resilience throughout the school day - if we didn't we'd be running ourselves ragged.
examples from my day today would include :
Child begins to get wobbly as his acertates from yesturdays' maths lesson have come unstuck in his book, I could rush off and fix it for him, I choose to ask him how he could fix it himself, he says he could staple them in, great I say, pop off and find the stapler. He fixes his own, then his friends.
Going over number of the day work child who inturupts explaination, is asked not to interurupt, does so again, is told to put consequence card up, child bursts into tear. I could console child, I could back-track, I choose to purposefully ignore childs tears, knowing that child will return to the carpet, gain self-control and relise that crying doesn't mean class rules will be bent.
Children come in from play, some have left their coats outside, it begins to rain. I could request playground staff to bring in coats, I could go out and collect them myself, I could send the children out or I could look out the window, mention the weather and pose the problem back to the class... yup the children themselves can and do find their own solutions.
With shouting children do become anxious IF they are lead to feel that they have no influence, but they Do they have what we term in class and at home Personal power ie PE coach got rather cross with one of the boys today, boy used his personal powerface (gentle nodding with full eye-contact and no smirking) to help resolve the situation.
Loads of things can build childrens resiliance.

Resilience is NOT a facet of maturity, there are plenty of anxious teens and adults. Resilience differs to self-esteem, it is a teachable pattern of re-appraisal thoughts and self-directed skills.

Sorry rosemary nothing helpful there for an emotionally fragile dd. Ignoring doesn't stop the tears, it doesn't reduce the frequency, I don't give in to tantrums never have done, she's never had a tantrum, ds had plenty..she doesn't get what she wants just because she cries, she never has done.

Yes that's one we've heard a lot from parents, the assumption that a distressed child is trying to get what they "want" ie sweets, toys, attention, etc.
Resilience training is about teaching the child that they CAN cry, make a fuss have a melt-down and Then recover within themselves, ultimately they all do have to find a path to self-recovery otherwise they would just cry on and on without pausing, or constantly go to an adult with every little concern, or seek plasters for every little cut or scrape, or approach playground staff over every friendship or territorial dispute.
What the child seeks is resolution to their own internal angst, crying is a tool to effect those around them to take over, to lift the burden of their own distress from them BUT all children have the means within them to self-sooth, to resolve their own minor daily life struggle.
Whilst parents always think they are firm, don't give in, ignore certain behaviours and the like, in reality this is virtually impossible to do and to maintain consistently, simply because the parent-child relationship is more complex and co-dependent that the relationships children have with non-emotionally invested adults.

Rosemary your response is very predictable too. I fully expected it.

interesting about resilience
ds1 had a horrible teacher last year. he developed a very annoying smirk. so now i see that was an example of personal resilience. used to drive the teacher insane. served her right. shame the more sensitive ones cant do that instead. tears encourage bully teachers imo.

partridge, what is an alpha smart? Very interested...

Rosemary, I take some of that on board. I think there are probably useful strategies for "I want to cry now...what can I do?" or "The teacher is upsetting me...what can I do?" I think the nodding smirk may send ds1's teacher into a bit of a fury though! It's definitely worth thinking of strategies.

My dsis had a boy in her class once who used to cry every time someone called him a silly name, so she started this thing where he used to call her a silly name every day and she would call him one eg. onion-head, or banana face.

Shimmy, one thing we have been doing all year is make a bit of a joke of the teacher shouting, so that he can see it as a bit funny (and her problem rather than his) - rather than scary. He says, "I wish I could cut off the zip of ds2's broken jacket and stick it to her face, then I can zip it up when she shouts and unzip it later!". Doesn't seem to have fully worked, but maybe takes the edge off the scariness. I think it is the negativity/ frustration which is more damaging - he can pick up tone of voice from a mile off.

Ds came home very happy yesterday. I think she is being more gentle/ encouraging with him. They also addressed being left out at playtime during circle time, so I think he recognises that it is being dealt with and it's out in the open (he did tell his 'story') which must be a relief for him. I am glad he is seeing that school deals with things, it gives him more confidence to speak out when things are going wrong, which is brilliant.

That's brilliant news Merry!

One thing I have recognised about dd is that her fear of the teacher is at its peak in the first few months....this would be the time the teacher is more likely to be firm, establishing their presence and at this time dd doesn't know that their bark is worse than their bite, she is upset for the dcs being told off in her class, she rarely gets told off, she's a real people pleaser but her sense of empathy for the other dcs is very acute.

How do you make a child feel less empathy? She takes her db's punishments too, just to make him feel better! If he is banned from tv she won't watch it either and she'll play a game with him, just to cheer him up. If he loses out on a sweet treat she won't have one either. Early bedtime for him - she'll go to bed earlier too.

Shimmy, that's so weird. I wrote in the letter that ds1 does not like being told off, but neither does he like it when other children/ whole class is told off. I said he doesn't even like it when his siblings are told off (which is quite unusual). Teacher said she felt comforted by the fact he is like that at home! Asked why he doesn't like it, does he feel it's unfair? I said, he doesn't like other people to be upset and she said he is very empathetic. I said, he's a bit too empathetic! I don't know what to do about it, other than to think he's going to make someone a fantastic partner one day, and a great parent. Empathy is a gift.

It is a gift and that was my response to a mum who told me she'd hate to have a dd that cried a lot. My dd has helped a friend through a pretty rough time and the teacher told me the sensitivity she showed was breathtaking, she was subtlety supportive and showed a wisdom beyond her years....I felt very proud of her.
School is never the place to be different, it's all about conforming but I know dd will choose a profession where her empathy will be an asset.

Shimmy, that's so nice. I think it's a bit harder for boys to be like this too as it's not appreciated.

Hi merry - an alpha smart is a word processing device. Very simple and unsophisticated. My ds is learning to touch type so hopefully he can do longer work quickly on the alphasmart and hand write shorter sentence work.

We got it via a letter from his ot to the school post diagnosis. He doesn't have anything as concrete as a statement but the school is very good at taking any suggestions on board.

Thanks partridge. He has seen an OT. His fine and gross motor were both scored very low. He can write neatly but a lot of his letters are formed incorrectly and it obviously takes a lot out of him. However, they decided his sensory processing was the thing to pick up on, so they went down the auditory processing route and put him on a listening programme. This is supposed to help his focus and even balance etc. He has also seen a paed who diagnosed mild to moderate ADHD, but not bad enough to have further treatment for it. We are in a very, very poor area with a huge burden on the health service. It's hard to keep going back to the doctor and has taken so many years now to start figuring - anxiety, motor skills, dyslexia, processing, adhd. It doesn't help that he is a very sweet, sensitive, people-pleasing child, so some of his problems are not as obvious as they may be in a child with a different temperament. I can see that if ds2 had ds1's issues, he would be extremely disruptive in class, very frustrated and angry and basically a complete nightmare as opposed to a bit of hard work. I think he would have been picked up sooner by school or nursery. I had to start all this, because ds wasn't sleeping or eating properly in Reception and was being picked on for not being as advanced as the other kids. He also had major attention problems but his teacher said he would grow out of it.

I think it is also useful to discuss with a child the different reasons why a a person might shout:

1)They want to be heard
2)Urgency
3)Danger
4)Anger
5)Stress the importance of what they are saying
6)They have a loud voice generally, that is they are not always shouting, their voice is just loud
7)Excitement

This could be illustrated and linked in with their reading. Character voices to depict these situations.

Thanks capsium, that's a great idea. I think mostly it is to be heard over 30 kids! My other son's teacher is amazing though. She says 'ping' and the whole class says 'pong' immediately and silence. They are in Reception!!!

Merry Wow! Re teacher.

I found this helpful with mine though. I believe shouting is part of our voice repertoire and should be recognized for it's functionality too.

I think the shouting is part of it, but only part. I think in this case, it is part of generally quite negative communication eg. eye rolling, sarcasm, frustrated tone of voice, a lot punishment etc.

Merry Yes this does seem to be a feature within schools, sadly, especially when faced with SEN.

Communication and down playing it, is how I have handled this with my DS. Everyone is fallible. I have focused primarily on boosting his confidence. His SEN has improved a lot, he used to have quite a high level Statement for severe and complex difficulties. But after a few years he has been discharged and the Statement has ceased, due to improvement. Thankfully the teachers and TAs who were most like this have either moved on or he no longer has them, so no longer an issue.