should I speak to class teacher or senco?

[MerryMarigold]

My ds is in y3 and has a few issues. The worst is his anxiety that then leads to a very suppressed appetite. he had a v bad Jan and Feb and class teacher was great st during out a way he could eat small amounts several times a day. He really improved and put on some weight. He even started eating better in the evening, all good. It has started again though. I'm not sure why, just that I'm fairly sure it is an emotional problem (he's done this since about 3, and was severe in reception and y1 as it also included sleep issues). He's really sensitive and perceptive, but struggles academically and socially. I think there's done playground stuff going on, and also his teacher is very down to earth and doesn't cope well with his tears about silly things (obviously there is a reason he's crying easily, but she just gets annoyed). She's also v strict so ds lives in fear and dread of doing something wrong, which I think stresses him out. I know this is not going to change, because it's her style of teaching, but I just wonder if I should bring up his issues with her or the senco, considering the way she is. Or will she feel undermined?

Is it worth somehow blending the 2 threads? Can they do that?

Yes, I am an adult. Who was responding emotionally as a young child. Me being an adult does not negate the fact I had triggers. Which were not going to disappear. Your son has triggers. Which will not go away. You simply, simply cannot make the triggers disappear. It is impossible. That is what I am comparing your son and my situation. My emotional intelligence is neither here nor there. Life is life. Triggers will be there. Remove his current ones...new ones will appear.

I am glad you are going to see your GP.

Patchouli, I don't know...but I think this thread has had it's course. The next step is the doctor, which I was reluctant about, but have been convinced of! I still don't think it's the be-all and end-all, but I am going to try it - partly to get him some help (I hope) and partly to play the game as it sounds good when trying to get help at school.

The other thread is how to deal with the very immediate problem.

You say he loses his appetite but it could also be said he controls his food. At a time when things you don't like and can't control happen having something you can control is a way to deal with the anxiety. This is done subconsciously by children, teenagers and adults alike. This is how eating disorders start. He is not losing his appetite because the teacher shouts. The teacher shouts, this is something that makes him very anxious and he deals with it by controlling something he can. This is not a helpful way to deal with anxiety. He can learn new ways. The practicalities cannot be explained in a post because they are different for each person. Of course therapy is different for an adult than it is for a child. Please don't "play the game", please see a therapist and listen with an open mind because the school will have a role to play and may be a trigger but it is not "the problem", anxiety is.

I don't think anyone is saying he shouldn't feel anxious when a teacher shouts, or when his classmates exclude him, or that you should blindly accept these things. They are anxiety-inducing events in everyone. But the way he deals with that anxiety is what needs addressing, pretty urgently as its clearly something he's done for a number if years. And yes it does sound as if he is re-capturing some sense of control by not eating- which is an eating disorder.

Yes I think the anxious reaction to stress is fairly typical and we all feel it in different degrees.

For some children, it's water off a duck's back and they just shrug it off, find someone else to play with, take on board the teacher's point and try to work on it, etc. but for others it causes crippling anxiety where they cannot think straight and don't know how to handle it at all. Everyone is somewhere along that spectrum.

This is why learning coping strategies is of paramount importance, much more so that trying to avoid stressful situations because that is impossible.

I think there is a difference between controlling food and losing appetite, though I don't understand it. In University I had (looking back) a mini breakdown, I think, and I couldn't eat. It made me feel sick to eat. I knew I had to eat to live, so I used to put the TV on and eat whilst watching something to try and distract me. It worked to some extent. I lost weight, but I was not anorexic. Everyone knows when you are worried about something you find it harder to eat, particularly 'rich' foods - perhaps an exam or a job interview. I don't know which my ds has, but he certainly seems to lose appetite as he just doesn't want much of anything but prefers plain things (which are mostly not nutritious such as plain pasta!) and no chocolate cake which at other times is his absolute favourite.