X bullies my son. X's mum suggests a meeting so ds can 'understand him' and school agree?

[firstchoice]

Am completely frustrated.
Ds attends primary.
He has been bullied, on and off, for 2 years.
School does nothing.
He finds it hard to 'speak up' and when we do we are ignored.
1 particular child, X, bullies him almost daily.
Sometimes outright bullying - pushing off walls, cornering in toilet cubicles, deleting ICT work,
sometimes more subtle - name calling, pushing in line, occupying 'space' right in my sons face etc.
He bothers the rest of the class too, but my ds most of all.

School continue to do nothing but say they are 'monitoring' it.
Finally, last week, my ds spoke to his CT, DHT, and HT in one day about it all. Brave lad.

Tomorrow we meet senior education officer from LEA.
We met her 2 weeks ago and described in detail some of the incidents.
She said: 'there is bullying in all schools'. When we got the minutes, there was NO mention of any of the examples we had raised. Just like it didn't exist.

Tonight, we get email from HT, (who isn't coming to meeting tomorrow and about whom we have complained to Director of Education), to say
that X's mother has suggested that there is mediation between the boys to 'improve their relationship' and so ds can 'understand x'. The school seem to think this is a super idea and suggest we use tomorrows meeting to agree it.

?!?!?!

Sorry - I haven't finished reading the thread, but one thing sprang out for me, and that was the inaccuracy of the minutes of your meeting with the SEO, firstchoice. Can I suggest that you edit the minutes to include your recollection of what you said specifically about those incidents, and send them back to the SEO, and insist that they are filed alongside the inaccurate minutes? You don't have to accept their minutes of the meeting, if they are not accurate.

Secondly, as someone who was bullied in the last year of primary school and all through secondary school, I longed for my mother to back me up in the way that you are backing up your child - and I just wanted to tell you how wonderful you are for doing this for him. He knows you are 100% on his side, and I cannot tell you how valuable and precious that is.

If you do end up going as oneineeight suggests, I would querying the expertise and impartiality of the people in question to make sure it's not just a teacher with half a days cpd nine years ago when restorative justice was fashionable.

I wouldn't be surprised if asking for professional input stops it dead in its tracks anyway. (expensive)

Sorry - I now see that you are going to record the next meeting, and take in your own version of the minutes.

I agree with Parliamo, ask for an impartial, professional, third party mediator.

Hi one in eight

I have asked for all this.
Ds IS very noise sensitive.
He has been told 'his teacher doesn't shout' (she DOES - I can hear her through the double glazing and my dd is scared of her too).
I have been told: 'if he cant cope with the dining room he'll just have to sit in the corner then, wont he?' 'If the other kids are too noisy then he just has to toughen up' etc etc etc.
Kids are NOT kept apart, teacher sends them both to loo at same time, even after requests not too, then denies it. Same teacher pairs them for work which child X then damages, even after requests not to.

there IS lots the school could do but they are refusing.

the other parent is quite aggressive so I don't want to approach directly.

Re place in line - MY son has to move. Child X then follows, my son moves again, child X follows. No teacher intervention at all. They stand and watch and then bellow at the kids to 'behave or you will be in dentention'.

I will go to the meeting.
Neither child will come to it, initially.

Is it worth taking in a list of incidents (with dates if possible) copied for all the people in the meeting and make sure the person taking the minutes has it? Just so its definitely on the record.

My son is very, very sensitive and easily upset, takes things literally, perhaps with some traits of ASD though not severe enough to be dx. We had a situation where a "friend" was traumatising him by making up terrifying predictions that he convinced DS were going to happen.

I actually think this boy did not mean to actively bully DS, it was banter, it was fun for the other kid, and it got out of hand because of DS's reaction. BUT the school were still absolutely great about it, very understanding, made v clear to the other boy that it was not on, and separated them. No physical violence, nothing major, yes they leapt to DS's defence.

It doesn't have to be this way OP. I would kick up a fuss until they recognise that you are not a pushover, and go over the school's head if necessary.

I mean FFS why the hell should your DS have to understand the bully, what about the other way round? Sounds to me like a classic case of victim-blaming.

Oh god I hate the "toughen up" message. For one thing, I bet they rarely insist that girls "toughen up" . And if your DS is anything like mine, he could be exposed to rough treatment, chaos, loud noise and being shoved around for a million years and he would never toughen up. Some people are very sensitive, and they should be taken into account just like other people with varying needs and abilities.

OP I'm sorry you are experiencing this. I was bullied all the way through school and now my DS is in year 2 I am dreading it happening to him as well.
Please please, if you need support from absolute experts, phone Kidscape and speak to their bullying helpline. They are brilliant and can talk you through everything you have already done, everything you could still do and suggest things you may haven't thought about. Sadly a number of schools still think that the no-blame approach (aka give the bully all the ammo they need to continue bullying their victim) is a good way of dealing with things, but it's not and it won't make things better.
Really hope that you can work through this - just stay strong for your son however much you feel like you're coming up against a brick wall.

SDT - it is LONG overdue I am afraid.
I feel very ashamed. I hope it is better late than never.

I will ask for a mediator if we are not listened to today.
I have checked with an education lawyer who advised us to move, as, although he was clear they are certainly not behaving properly, it is difficult to prove and a Tribunal can only recommend, not insist, school behaves differently.

Please don't feel ashamed. Your ds clearly feels able to talk to you - you know all the incidents that have happened. My mum was so dismissive, the first time I told her about it, that I never felt able to go back to her and tell her it hadn't stopped. I was suicidal at age 14, because I felt totally alone.

Your ds knows he is not alone - he has a strong, wonderful advocate in his corner. Please - be proud of being that advocate - it is the most amazing thing you are doing!

SDT - he is stopping talking now though. When I talk of school he changes the subject. He must wonder why I have not 'got him out' before now. I can ever tell him the CP stuff - it would terrify him, but that is why we have toed the line for so long...

I am SO SORRY you had such a tough time as a youngster. I was bullied too and it is very common and can be just devastating.

I hope that things improved for you and it didn't ruin your relationship with your mum. Children can be quite vunerable and they DO need grown ups to do the right thing for them to enable them to begin to stand up for themselves too.

Even though he is not talking, he will still be seeing that you are taking action, doing things to support him. He will know you are on his side - and he knows he can talk to you, whenever he chooses.

The more you tell us, the more I would be inclined to move him. I know that would be very hard for you as a family, but is there any way, thinking outside the box that you could do it?

Have you put in a formal complaint to the local authority?

You've probably seen this already, but www.respectme.org.uk/mobile/checklists.html suggests that the school have broken all the rules.

Are there no other schools nearby?

THANKS, cazzyg

Have just looked up my LEA policy and it says:

•Bullying is defined by its impact on the person/people affected as a result of the intended or unintended behaviour and actions of others. Bullying behaviour impacts on the wellbeing of those affected. "The impact an incident has had on a child or young person is more important than whether it is classified as bullying." (Scottish Government, 2010

•Learning settings will provide friendly, confidential, and safe ways for learners to report bullying behaviour all reported incidents must be addressed by an appropriate response and subsequent action

Neither of these are being adhered to.

Went to the meeting.

We said we did not feel mediation appropriate between the two boys at present as one is still bullying the other and until that stops mediation is not possible.
Asked for child bullying our child 'not to be within arms length at any time'.

SEO said: 'we'll look into the incidents you claim occurred'
(ds and ourselves notified them weeks ago...)

and, in presence of SEO, DHT said:

'I'll look into (keeping other child away), but these things take time'

This is what she said a year ago...

Formal complaint time, I think, but it wont change anything.
I know from experience of others, the only option is to move out of LEA.

Or teach your child jujutsu. Can be very effective in no time and what's great about it is that it's a passive defence.

yes, jujutsu a great idea but he cant access the class as some of the boys in the year above go and so he wont....

I actually mentioned that he is often unable to go to eg cubs as the bullying child goes there too and he therefore feels unable. They asked what Cubs do about it and I said 'not a lot' (it is often subtle at cubs, though the year above ones did manage to remove my sons trousers in a tent on his first camp - could be a giggle if they are all just mucking around but not when there is 4 against 1 and that 1 is in tears)

School said:
'oh, perhaps Cubs could give us some ideas about how to handle it? No, well clearly they dont see a problem either' ???

Aaargh.

There is simply NO accountability.

I will just say that, when ds2 (aged about 10) was being bullied by a child at school, the school called in the boy's dad (whom he lived with) and got ds2 to tell him what was going on, and how it was making him feel - and it had a big impact on the dad - he was shocked and deeply apologetic, and the bullying did stop.

However, I think this worked for a number of reasons - firstly the fact that the school were very supportive of ds2, and he knew it was entirely his choice whether he spoke directly to the parent, or whether he left it up to the Head to talk to him. Secondly, ds2 was able to speak up, when given the chance (probably because the bullying, though bad, and damaging, was not as bad as what your ds is suffering, firstchoice), and finally, because the dad was open-minded enough to accept what ds2 was saying, and didn't just leap blindly to his son's defence.

Sadly it doesn't sound as if any of these factors apply in your case, at the moment.