DD not achieving her best/pushed too hard?

[dontcry]

DD3 is 8 nearly 9 and in Y4. she told me that she sometimes cries at school because the work is too hard.Last week I went into speak to her teacher about this.She says that dd cries if she can't understand her work or gets it wrong.She thinks DD is not achieving as well as she could and thinks she is sometimes too tired at school.
She is a competitive gymnast and usually trains 10-12 hours a week -twice in the week and twice at the weekend for 2.5 to 3 hours each time, and then the gym is 30-40 minutes away.So by the time she has finshed, got changed and got home it is 9.15 on a school night, then it takes her a little while to wind down and get to sleep.But on the other hand she does not need to get up til about 8.15 to get to school on time
She is not strictly behind with her work, but is not showing the required 2 sublevels progress and the teacher wants me to work with her at home to get her to 4Bs by Easter.She made me fell like a bad mother :-(
DD has being doing gym for 5 years , she lives it and breathes it.But she loves school.She also does Brownies another evening so doesn't have a lot of spare time-neither do I
I don't know whether I really want to tutor her at home too.She wants time to play and relax.If she was significantly behind the others , then it would be different, but I think she is marginally ahead and in any case children develop in fits and starts not in a linear fashion.

She's tired. Can't you see that? An 8 year old who goes to be at 10pm twice a week after physical exercise is not going to be fit for school.

You need to get your priorities straight. If your DD carries on like this the odds are she will fall further behind at school.

There are times when being a parent means showing tough love. You are the adult and you are responsible for your DD's health and learning. It doesn't matter how much she loves another activity if it is taking over her life and means she is doing badly at the basics.

I think you need to get a grip and be honest over whether you get some 'proud mum' kick out of being good at gym, but have lost sight of what is most important. She is only 8! You need to find a balance between school and out of school activities and you haven't.

Sorry- am a teacher and get fed up with kids who do so much out of school they are too tired for school.

dontcry- I don't think there is any difference between the boys who play footie and girls who different sports. I think you are being defensive and not wanting to see the true facts.

If children cry so easily in class it usually means they are over-wrought and over-tired ( or unhappy). You can call is frustration if you want to, and pass it off as the work being challenging, but the point is that your DD does not have the emotional capacity to handle the work at school when it is challenging.

This is because she is tired.

The very last thing she needs is a tutor. She needs some chillaxing time when she can do nothing, except relax, read a book, whatever. I'm really not surprised she cries- she's exhausted.

jaffacakes have you missed the bit where the OP's DD is a full NC level ahead of average?

No I haven't missed the point at all.

The point is that the child is crying in class due to tiredness. This should be addressed regardless of any shortfall in her progress BUT the fact that her teacher says she is worried and the child's progress is not as fast as it could be is confirmation that changes need to be made.

Think the levels teacher is referring relate to the requirement on teachers to show 2 sub-levels of progress each year - OP's daughter is clearly bright if she is already on a level in Year 4. So it's not about how her levels compare to anyone else's, it's about is she making the required progress. So this might be OK if children progressed at an even rate ( they don't) or if the levels she entered Year 4 with were accurate (IMO this is often not the case).
So I would say that the teacher may be asking for your help in order to ensure that she ( the teacher) meets her targets!
However, it is worrying that OP's daughter feels the work is too hard and that she can't keep up ( hence the crying) This sounds odd because we already know that the DD is quite bright. I'm wondering is she a perfectionist, getting upset with herself if she doesn't get things right first time? Is it an issue of building up resilience?
I do think sleep is possibly a problem, she does sound as if she's tired, and the evenings are quite late for a child of that age. Does she have early nights to catch up on non-gym nights?
Op, you can help with schoolwork by doing reading with her - even if it's you reading to her and asking questions/discussing the book. If maths is the problem, online games at the weekend might help. Maybe check with DD if there are specific things she struggles with ( fractions? percentages?) and just go over them with her, if it will help make her feel more confident.
I'd say be guided by DD - if she's upset about not understanding work, then best to find the time to go over it with her. You could also ask the school to provide an interventions if they are concerned. At my school, we do take children out in small groups to focus on specific areas if we think a child has not understood properly-I'm mentioning that so that you can see it's not an unreasonable request.
It could also be hormonal.... in which case extra sleep and attention are vital!

I might be wrong but it sounds like the onset of puberty. Crying, sensitivity and feeling tired are all classic symptoms. I would try just doing just one gym session during the week and see if she improves at school.

The teacher has said she thinks the OP's DD is sometimes too tired at school. That's one possible conclusion, and the teacher is worried about the require 2 sublevels progress. Fair enough, but the OP does not have to take care of the teacher's performance reports and there could well be other factors in play. Children don't progress in a linear fashion. OP's DD loves gym and takes it very seriously - academic progress is not everything.

I'd be addressing the perfectionism, ensuring that there are early nights to make up for the late ones and looking at confidence boosters, not limiting something that is giving the OP's DD pleasure in life.

Don't you think it's a bit soon to be saying that for a child of 8 who is bright that academic achievement is not everything?

If a parent is behaving in a way that is limiting their child's progress when the child is clearly bright, then that is a disservice to their child.

If you have such as casual attitude to learning and school Pointy with a child who's only been there for 4 years, I'd be rather worried.

I suspect that the teacher is more concerned about the child's lack of progress from one level towards the next, rather than what actual level that she seems to have got stuck on.

I think that people are right to say that a child simply cannot do/be everything and that the late nights and training are probably impacting somewhat on school. It is up to the family concerned to decide if that is a choice they are happy to live with.

I would be worried if my DD was so driven and perfectionist that she was regularly crying in school, especially if she was also spending a lot of time in a perfectionist and body image aware sport such as gymnastics. But it would be something to keep a watchful eye on, rather than forcing her to drop an activity she loves. Perhaps the OP can work with her DD to build her resilience and help her to cope when she finds schoolwork hard. Google "children resilience" there is lots of info out there.

We clearly have very different ideas on what is important. I would not dream of telling an 8yo - bright or not - that academic achievement is everything. It's important, but so are other things. FWIW I have two very high achieving DDs (Yr6 and 8) who also manage to have a life outside school - they have each had a year in primary when they didn't 'do' their 2 levels, and they have both had multiple years when they did more than that. As a parent, I take the long view - as long as they do their homework well, work hard and behave well at school and make progress over the longer term, all is well. Everyone has peaks and plateaus. As a teacher you of all people should understand that children don't perform like machines.

That said, I do think the OP's DD does not have enough downtime, but losing the gym would mean losing something really meaningful which teaches valuable life skills like hard work, dedication and persistence - all good things towards developing a work ethic. I'd suggest dropping the Brownies and making that a veg/early night and doing some confidence work.

Jesus the levels she is at are GREAT. My dd in the same year as yours is on 3a's and we're totally chuffed with her.

She's achieving good grades, AND she's involved and passionate about a sport that is teaching her about load so of aspects of life that they won't touch in school. I'd tell the teacher you are more than happy with her progress and that the gymnastics is valuable too. Perhaps cut out the brownies if she is too tired. But don't let school push you into driving her too hard academically at the expense of something she loves...sure fire way to make someone hate learning IMO.

Pointy- I don't think I even mentioned saying that academic achievement is everything.
You've put those words into my mouth!

What I do believe is that at 8 years old the balance should be 50-50 in an ideal world, but if something has to give then it should be 60-40 in favour of school.

I've taught some very high achieving children, 2 of whom were brilliant swimmers. One was going for Olympic selection but even he at 17 had to cut back and realise that school work was actually going to have to take priority and he had to cut back.

There are some children who can cope with a huge out of school commitment without feeling stressed, but equally others can't and a child who cries easily in lessons and whose teacher has expressed concerns that she is not progressing at the rate they expect, seems over-committed to me.

The point is this relentless focus on 'progressing at the rate they expect' - that worries me. It's mechanistic and does not take the individual child into account. I just think that reducing the gym - which is really important to this child - as a first step when there are other options (such as dropping Brownies and emotional support) which can be tried first is not necessarily in the child's best interest. If there has been no progress this academic year then yes, that would be a concern, but saying '4B by Easter and nothing less is good enough' suggests to me that it's the image of the school that is being put first here, not the welfare of the OP's DD.

I'm not saying to do nothing, I do think the life/rest balance needs adjustment, but I think alternative approaches should be tried first.