friends to tea - not asked back

[lainiekazan]

Actually there is an "adult" thread on this subject at the moment!

Dd, 10, has not really been awfully successful with friends. She has one, but she has a few additional needs and now that dd is getting a bit tweenagery she is trying to spread her wings a bit.

Anyway, since September she keeps on inviting this girl round, and at Christmas dd had a party and invited her + others, and no return invitations have been forthcoming. Now, I don't mind that much, but after five visits it does seem that dd is flogging a dead horse.

Now dd has asked again if this girl can come to tea, and I don't want to be too blunt, but on the other hand does dd perhaps need to smell the coffee?

Thanks. Dd is in year 6 so off to secondary school in September. I shan't miss that school gate! I have an older ds and all his friends' parents were and are friendly - not overly so, but never uncivil. I think dd's year is a bit odd, actually. Not the best.

Some whole year groups just don't seem to gel. That mother is well rude!

Agree with Huitre

My dd is an 'only' and we tend to host more than dd goes elsewhere and I totally understand why - it's just much easier for us without having to accommodate the logistics of other siblings - absolutely fine with me. However dd's friends do reciprocate once to every three or four play dates. (Apart from two really close friends who are lovely and reciprocate religiously, despite in each case having both parents who have really demanding jobs /loads of siblings.)

When it happens, I just assume non-reciprocation is down to busy schedules, illness, work & family pressures etc but this thread has opened my eyes!

I am a bit shocked at the number of people (on this thread and the adult thread) who don't feel they should reciprocate because they "don't like having other people's children around" or "their house is a mess". Who does enjoy play dates? (And my house is an unrenovated wreck). Having friends over always involves some sort of effort domestically. But it is just straightforward politeness to reciprocate. Friendship = reciprocation surely. Good to teach dc that I think.

And I hate this current assumption that if you invite any one over, adult or child, your motive must somehow be purely selfish.

Obviously very different case if parents working long hours, have anxiety issues or siblings with demanding schedules.

I'm guilty of frequently not returning playdates - yes, house embarrassment is part of it, but practicalities also eg long working hours. I do feel bad but more because I'd like dcs to have more playdates than because I'm worried about what other mums will think.

Equally, I've had it happen the other way. Doesn't bother me unduly - I appreciate that people are busy and what is important is if the dcs get on not if you get on with their parents - that's irrelevant, I think.

And yes, some of the mums who've invited my dcs over may think I'm being rude - but that's more their problem than mine, I think. There's no iron law that saws all playdates must be reciprocated!

No, not an iron law (for reasons stated below, or if dc don't get on together for some reason) but personally I do feel that if you accept an invitation, there is an obligation, out of politeness if nothing else, to reciprocate.

It is polite to reciprocate an invitation, it is special for a child not only to invite friends over but to be invited to someone else's home.

Anxiety : I can empathise with this one. Everytime I invite a friend over I fret and fret, but I don't want to pass on my anxiety to my child so I make an effort. The more you host, the better it gets, just to give you an idea: The first time I hosted when ds was in reception, DH had to stay in the house because I was so nervous. Two years down the line I feel much more confident.

House embarrassment: If people don't like you because of how your house looks then frankly they are not worth knowing. Be proud of your home and it turn your child will be proud of it too. An example: DS got invited to the house of an extremely wealthy friend (we are talking about one of the riches areas in surrey with plenty of russian oligarchs living in amazing mansions, indoor huge pool, cinema room and the rest), my house is a rabbit hutch next to that, but I invited the child back and they had a lovely time.

OP: for the sake of your DD I would grit your teeth and continue to invite friends over, even if she doesn't get invited back. It is rubbish though!

I think sometimes it can vary between class groups. DC1's class did lots of play times, sleepovers etc. DC2's class simply doesn't. I thought at first it was maybe the other mums didn't like me or DC2, but then I heard a couple of the others complaining about how play dates are not recriprocated!

There were several years when I did not invite any of ds' friends because his older sister had MH issues and could not cope with strangers in the house. I could hardly explain my reason to her brother's mates, who went to the same school as her.

I owe several of DDs friends a visit at our house. But I have DS too, he hates having anyone to visit and has real problems socialising, he sees home as his sanctuary and see DDs friends as invaders. It makes it difficult to invite DDs friends, and I don't want to explain why either , I have to do that many times out of necessity (at school, doctors, dentists, relatives, sports clubs, after school club, etc) and don't want dd labelled as having a weird brother. I tend to invite if DS is away or at a club, but this doesn't happen often.

I just find other people want to do a lot more than we do. I tend to have a friend round every other week. But one of dd's friends invite her round more than once a week (age 8). If I were to invite them all round (5 of them) once a week we'd have someone here every night. We don't accept all the invitations but it does make me feel guilty that we don't do it nearly as much as some others. It's nothing to do with what dd feels about the friend, but more with what we can cope with as a family. I guess it could be the case that they just don't want to host that much. I don't think a 10 year old would accept an invitation to come round from someone she didn't like/get on with.

I work full time, 4 long days a week and 5 days one week in four. Ds3 goes to after school club where he has lots of friends to play with. On the 3 days in 4 weeks that I collect him from school I like to do something with him as it is the only time I have alone with him without ds1 and ds2. When other parents have invited him to play I have explained this but a couple of them have arranged to collect him from school with their child and for me to collect him on my way home from work or for them to bring him home later because their child has wanted him to play. One mother was asking to do it 1 day most weeks.

I have occasionally taken the other children for an outing at the weekend but do not want/am unable to have children to play in the week. I assume they invite him for the benefit of their children. It is not a benefit/favour to me.

If you want the girl to play with your DD then keep inviting her and accept that they will not, for whatever reason, reciprocate. I don't see this as a problem but blanking you at clubs/the school gate is very rude.