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Primary education

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4 year old already struggling in reception

26 replies

MintyWalters · 23/01/2014 23:17

My daughter is a funny, confident, self assured and fiercely independent little girl who on paper should love school, made lots of friends and be sucking it all up BUT NO! I know that my daughter can be a bit of a challenge in that she is very wilful but I just don't feel that the teacher "gets" her and treats her more as a irritation than anything else which over the last few weeks has seen her pigeonholed into the disruptive, behaviourally challenged" box. I believe that her class have picked up on this so are often on her case, pointing out, disciplining, correcting and alerting staff to any slight mistake she might make throughout the day. This can range from picking up someone else's toy, not tidying up immediately when asked, accidental trips or bumps into other children etc. Being excluded is one of her worst fears and when friendships naturally break down in the playground, my daughter is quickly broken, will cry loudly and sometimes hits out at her tormentors who laugh at her despair. it is easy to get a rise from her as she continues to battle with controlling her emotions and this has proved quite entertaining for some of the children. if you corner a bear and consistently poke it with a stick,,that bear WILL hit out and I am worried that this is happening to my daughter. In calmer moments at home, I have asked her which Little Miss she is from her book collection and she chooses Little Miss Naughty. She lashed out at a boy today and gave him a nose bleed. felt terrible shame, made him a sorry card before the end of the day and unprompted, tonight told me that she was a "horrible girl". My concern is that my daughter's card is now marked (by her teacher and worst of all her peers) and she has begun to believe that she really is that naughty girl so is now deliberately moulding herself into that image through increasingly poor behaviour in class. Two girls are often a bit spiteful to her (she has been good friends with them before school even started although they did not know each other) but the teachers only ever seem to witness my daughters loud and often physical reactions to their quiet comments. They are also the daughters of two of my best mum friends. In short, my daughter sticks out like a sore thumb. I know that her listening skills aren't great and it must be difficult and frustrating to teach her at times as she is such a "freestyler" always engaged in a song, but I fear that she has made life very difficult for herself already at just 4 years old and everything that made her unique is in danger of being slowly eroded away. I find it difficult to distinguish between how much of what is happening is down to my daughter's personality, short term behavioural issues common in four year olds (which i can discipline in the normal way) and how much is down to how she is being "managed" by her teachers/perceived by her peers. Help!

OP posts:
allyfe · 28/01/2014 09:26

I don't have a huge amount to add, except that 4 year olds mainly have poor coping mechanisms because the brain areas that control behaviour are still developing. My DD sounds very similar to like yours out of school, she has a bubbly exuberant personality. She is happy, friendly and sensitive. She sometimes seems like a bull in a china shop because she gets so excited and struggles to listen. She is so desperate to be a good little girl, but when she is full of an idea it is that which dominates and she doesn't listen and doesn't do what she is supposed to. I thought she would be totally fine in school. But she has struggled to settle in. She does enjoy it, but she won't talk to the teachers. She is frightened of them. She had some problems with a friend, who is quite domineering, and likes to control other children's behaviour. She pushes sometimes, and doesn't treat other peoples belongings well (puddles/bins etc). But this other little girl, she really wants to be my DD's friend. She just doesn't manage well when she doesn't get what she wants. My other friends DD gets into terrible rages at home and trashes the place. I agree with the others, your DD needs you as her loving and wonderful mum who does understand her just to give a little help to the teacher. I had to tell the teacher that my DD wasn't actually a shy child, not outside school. With a little gentle pushing, the teachers agreed to spend some time with her each day so that she could help my DD to build a stronger relationship with her. Don't worry about ADHD or ADD yet. Your daughter is a normal little girl who just needs a little help managing some of her emotions and behaviours, as do all children of the same age. Make sure you tell the teacher about the problems she is having with the other children and her 'friends', it is very much the teacher's role (at this age anyway) to help manage the children's interactions, and they should be able to help your daughter build other friendships that are more positive.

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