my son is being bullied by my friend's child. what do I do?

[kakiqueen]

Hello.
My son is 8 and in year 3. He has been friends with boy x for five years as his mum and I are friends. We get along well but are not very close.
Every few months my son complains of boy x following him around, getting on his nerves and annoying him generally (my son's words).
I know boy x really likes my son and wants to be friends with him. Over the years my son has developed new friendships, which boy x finds hard to accept.
I know they sometimes have a love/hate relationship, but this week things have come to a head.
The friend pinned my son up against the wall by his throat and threatened not to be his friend anymore if he didn't play with him. My son would not make this up, so I do believe him that this has happened.

The last few days and today my son is so scared of going to school, he hasn't been sleeping and has a constant worry tummy ache.

Today I wanted to speak to the teacher about this again (my husband and I have had to speak to the teacher each year as this kept cropping up every few moths. Things improve but then get worse again).
The teacher is off sick today and I am so upset.

What do you think I should do?
Shall I call and ask to speak to the head today? Shall I call the school and make up an excuse to collect my son at lunch time?

And how to I tackle the fact that this boy is my friend's child without it affecting our friendship negatively?

I feel so awful knowing that my son is at school with belly ache and is exhausted from not sleeping because of worrying about this boy.

Any advice is gratefully appreciated.
Thank you.

I would ring the school and ask specifically that your son is kept an eye on at lunch/break today and explain why you are so concerned.

I would also

• talk to your son about avoiding confrontation
• talk to your son about what to do if he gets picked on again.
• talk to teacher generally and ask him/her to keep an eye out
• if he is as upset as you say,, is there a lunch club / safe area he can go to?

Does your son want to be friends with this boy? If not encourage him to be polite but to try not to get into arguments. Stress his behaviour has to be 'whiter than white' so if anything arises it is clear it is the other boy's fault not 50-50.

Don't talk to the other mum about this. At least not to say her son ius a bully. You could maybe say that you get the impression they are not getting on very well at the moment and ask if her son has said anything. Generally advice is leave it to the school I think.

Hello teen and tween,
Thank you very much for your advice.
That all sounds like a great idea. I'm home alone with my son this afternoon as my daughter will be at a friend's house.
I will speak to him.
We have done some role play with him, practicing assertiveness and some techniques so get out of situations he is not happy with.
I think he needs lots of tlc this afternoon and hopefully his teacher will be back tomorrow.
If not, I will go to the head after drop off.
Thanks again!

I would go as far as to write a non emotional and factual account of what's happened to date. Email it to the school. Ask for them to get back to you. That way everything is in writing and the information can't get lost

i could have written this about my DD and her friendship - on again off again and nasty behaviour. I eventually spoke to teacher and I urge you to do the same (or to head). No kind of bullying is acceptable. Your son deserves to be free from fear at school. The mother of the friend my DD had problems with now does not speak to me though, ironically, kids are friends still, but in a healthier way as DD has learned not to accept the 'be my best friend this week' BS. She now understands she will be dropped regardless next week, and that true friends do not try to control you or isolate you. It still hurts to lose such a longstanding friendship for myself even though (for reasons not posted here) I could never maintain the friendship (due to other mothers behaviours towards my child). So my warning would be to brace yourself for a possible (over) reaction from the mother if the school do also follow up with her, but remind yourself and your son real friends don't act like this and it is not a healthy friendship anyway. He will not be the poorer for losing it.

Thank you all for your replies. You are right, adoptmama, he will not be poorer for losing this so called friendship.

I'm bracing myself for tomorrow's meeting with teacher and head.

Thank you again.

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