My year 1 child has wet himself in class on purpose.

[Tanfastic]

There's a bit of a back story. He's 5 and a half and in year one. He is on School Action Plus for moderate learning difficulties and he has the use of a special support assistant but he is generally doing well (or so I thought) with his reading and handwriting and it all seemed to have been coming together nicely before Christmas. He struggles with numeracy but we have been working on that. He has a stammer that comes and goes. he has no other special needs as far as I am aware.

Since we started back after the Christmas break he has been very negative about school saying he doesn't want to go, that it's boring etc. He has been very tearful. His teacher is lovely by the way.

I've spoken to the teacher and we've all sat down together because she says his work has been slowly getting worse and he isn't putting enough effort in. She showed me his books and his presentation does appear to have slipped over the last few weeks. She says she has been trying to get him to work a bit more independently but this has resulted in negative behaviour and him basically doing anything he can to get out of doing the work. He has scribbled on his books, and today she has told me he has wet himself in class. When asked why he has done this he has said it was to get out of doing the work.

My first thoughts on all of this was that it wasn't because he was being lazy but that he just doesn't understand. He got very tearful when I pressed him about it saying he didn't understand number bonds. He has got himself all worked up over doing the work.

The teacher has said that he does understand and that she doesn't think that is the issue. She says that she gives them instructions on the carpet about what they have to do and they go off and complete the work. She said she asked him if he understood what he had to do and he said yes. She then said the teaching assistant asked him and he said yes. When she went to check on his work she said he hadn't done it. When asked why he hadn't done it he said he couldn't be bothered. She kept him in at lunchtime explaining that just because he couldn't be bothered it didn't mean it was going to go away and that it had to be done. She said that he completed his numeracy work no problem after their little chat.

After lunch they were doing literacy and this is when he wet himself. She said she had only asked them to write the date at this point.

She started him on an effort chart this week where he gets stickers and that seemed to be working well until today and the wetting himself episode.

I really don't know what to do about it. He's generally a good boy and I can't help but think it runs deeper but the teacher doesn't think so. I get the impression she just thinks he's being lazy and stubborn about it (maybe he is?!).

Teacher has said she has seen this type of behaviour before with the transition from reception into Year 1 when things move up a gear and a lot more is expected of them.

I think it may be a confidence issue and so I have been working on boosting his confidence rather than putting any kind of pressure on him.

But I'd appreciate your thoughts please lovely Mumsnetters, how would you broach this situation before it spirals out of control?

has she made the work harder this term? or have they lost some of their free/choosing time to do more formal teaching? like she has said about the transition from reception to yr1 surely the same could happen if suddenly this term they are being treated in a more 'traditional and formal' learning environment compared to the EYFS.

I would be surprised if he has just decided to be awkward and lazy for the sake of it and would be inclined to say it does sound like something has started it off.

"She said she asked him if he understood what he had to do and he said yes. She then said the teaching assistant asked him and he said yes."

This is not how you check a child's understanding of a task. Hardly any child will respond 'no' to that question, as that would mean losing face. When anxious, children are far more likely to say they couldn't be bothered to do something than admit that they didn't understand how to do it.

Instead, the teacher/TA should be asking the child to explain the task back to them, so they can check they've understood it fully.

Whether your DS wet himself as an avoidance tactic or out of anxiety, I suspect that more teacher/TA support, checking he understands and letting him know it's ok to make mistakes will address the issue.

Thanks, Tethers I agree with you and will be putting that to the teacher next time I get a chance to speak.

I've spoken to him tonight again and he said that he wet himself as he "couldn't be bothered" to do the work. When pressed further he said that he was asked to write a sentence about something they'd done the day before but he found it "tricky".

I think it's an anxiety thing to be honest but I'm not sure how we are going to get over it.

I've told him we will practice sentences at the weekend but he still seems very anxious about it.

You're absolutely sure the teacher is lovely? I couldn't help but worry

a) your son is worried about more than just the work, that things at school are bothering him - from the way the teacher treats him to problems with other students

b) unfortunately, I've heard a few stories of students wetting themselves when a teacher wouldn't let them use the loo during class. There's no chance she told him he couldn't go until he finished his work, is there? That could lead to a child wetting himself and saying the paper was 'too tricky'. A teacher might know that, and make it seem like he wet himself over anxiety because she knows she was at fault. It's awful and I don't mean to fearmonger, but I've known of it happening and want to present the possibility. Or is your son the shy type that might not have asked to use the loo when he had to?

Other than that, I would ask the teacher or TA to please sit with him and give him a little more attention about doing the work, and lots of encouragement no matter how it turns out.

Lots of explaining that it's ok to try things over... just a thought, but is your child very specific about having things the 'right' way? Maybe the teacher can offer him two worksheets - one to 'practice' and then one he can copy all the corrected problems onto to have a perfect/right one. If he's worrying about an imperfect paper, it makes sense that he would feel he can't do it at all - better nothing than having a paper with mistakes.

We find "task bar" useful for children who find it hard to process instructions. It's a visual reminder of what a child needs to do one step at a time. Something like this may reduce your DSs anxiety levels.

The teacher said he had been to the toilet fifteen minutes earlier but judging by how wet his trousers were I don't think that could be correct.

He gets special support but I get the impression that there is one special support assistant to five or six of them and ds panics when the security blanket of the support assistant is taken away from him.

I feel for him I really do. I asked the teacher if she thought he was just being lazy or whether she thought he was maybe not understanding. She says that he understood because after he refused to do the work (and wet himself) he stayed in at break time to do it and he did it fine. So I guess she thinks he's just not putting the effort in.

He said tonight he hates school and its boring etc. it worries me that at age five he's saying that already .

"She says that he understood because after he refused to do the work (and wet himself) he stayed in at break time to do it and he did it fine."

It sounds as if this teacher has limited understanding of how anxiety can present in children. He is likely to have completed the task 'fine' at break time because he didn't have an audience (the rest of the class) to fail in front of.

I'd stake my professional reputation on him being scared, not bored.

What special support is he entitled to? Does he have an IEP?

What's an IEP?

He's on something called School Action Plus. He's got moderate learning difficulties but I thought he'd come on a lot in the last six months. His reading is much better and he gets four spellings a week which he gets correct every single week.

I think you are right, he's scared

What's an IEP?

He's on something called School Action Plus. He's got moderate learning difficulties but I thought he'd come on a lot in the last six months. His reading is much better and he gets four spellings a week which he gets correct every single week.

I think you are right, he's scared

Sorry, an IEP is an Individual Education Plan. This is a document which sets out a child's areas of need and strategies and targets to address them. It should be reviewed half termly.

If he is on School Action Plus, he should have one, although some schools avoid having to do end by using a provision map, which charts all the different support available in school for all children with additional needs.

It would be completely appropriate for you to ask for a meeting with the SENCo and the class teacher to draw up an IEP, or ask what strategies they will be using to deal with your son's anxiety- anxiety which resulted in him wetting himself.

Has the school ever discussed assessing him for a statement?

Also, does he have any other professionals or agencies involved?

A child on School Action Plus would usually have an outside agency (a professional not at school, such as an OT or Speech and Language Therapist for example) involved with them in some capacity.

It's a tough one, my youngest will do anything rather than do the work she is meant to! He current teachers is the one who has dealt with it the best. Dd has done lots and lots of boundary pushing but accepts that no matter what tactic she tries the work has to be done...

Is your ds a bit of a perfectionist at all? So anxious of trying something he thinks he may not be able to do?

I think we all have days when we can't be bothered. It must be pretty hard to motivate yourself when you're going to be near the bottom of the class. I would suggest more motivational reward systems.

Children often say they can't be bothered in order to deflect the attention from what they perceive as their inadequacies.

Put simply, they feel it's better to be seen as lazy than stupid.

Given the OP's child's age and additional needs, I think it's highly likely that this is what happened.

The teacher has said that he does understand and that she doesn't think that is the issue. She says that she gives them instructions on the carpet about what they have to do and they go off and complete the work. She said she asked him if he understood what he had to do and he said yes. She then said the teaching assistant asked him and he said yes.

I'm rather concerned that they're trusting him to have retained the information about what he was required to do and then taken his word for it that he understood. It's perfectly feasible that he's noticed other children being able to get on with it and then resents attempts at intervention. Is this verbal command on the carpet the only way the information is presented? I bet, if visual prompts were given (without putting him in a position where he gets to interpret that he's doing crap - they can be there for all to access) he would struggle a lot less.

DS1 s exceptionally bright but has various SN and, even at 10, needs access to reminders about how to do something. It's just good practice, with most kids, to be honest.

Agreeing with everything that Tethersend has said, btw.

Anf FTR and at risk of TMI, i used to wet myself at that age, due to anxiety. PE was usually the cause, in my case.

Has he had any other assessment done? As tethersend mentioned, it sounds like anxiety around performance in the classroom. Asking a child if they understand is not going to help, if he's already anxious about appearing to not understand or be able to do the work.

Some things which may help would include breaking down each task in to small pieces, and using a checklist for him that he can tick off as he works through. It gives him focus to keep him on track, as well as small achievements in being able to tick off each task as it is done (just like when we tick off our to-do lists). It also avoids the student having to put their hand up or ask for further instructions if they have forgotten the full sequence of what they are required to do. Depending on the needs of the child, they can be as detailed as that student needs.

I've had students where I've had to include details such as "Write today's date from the calendar on top of the white board in the top left hand corner of your page" then even needed to add a sketch with an arrow of where it goes, because that student would get anxious because they would know they had to write the date, but how do they find today's date? Where do they write it on the page? Should they use blue or black pen? Should it be big or small writing? They were so worried about making a mistake, that they would freeze up and avoid even attempting the work.

Once they were given simple instructions which considered all the questions they may ask, and giving them a checklist that they can refer to without having to ask ("the others will think I'm dumb" as one student explained it to me), you can gradually scaffold it so less information is offered, or giving them a checklist with some blank spaces while you're giving instructions and asking them to fill in the blanks themselves to give them the confidence to listen to instructions, and learn to take the important information and make their own list of instructions.

Absolutely agree with tethers. Also as he has support & struggles with learning I suspect that when he stayed in and completed the work it was in a quiet classroom with the teacher / TA nearby.

My son has moderate learning difficulties and can appear to have learnt something only to forget it minutes later. It needs to be reinforced all of the time.

Thanks all, very helpful suggestions. Had a chat with my mum tonight. I think that anxiety is a big issue and I need to have another chat with the teacher. He's a pleaser and so I don't think that laziness is the issue.

tethers, he is under the speech and language therapist for his stammer. He's never been assessed for a statement. Asked the teacher if she thought there was anything else going on but she was very dismissive.

Just to add, I make the checklists available to all students. Since I'm writing them anyway, I copy enough and leave them sitting on the front desk. Any student can take a checklist when they want it for any of the tasks I ask them to work on. Even students without special needs will often take a checklist before I give instructions or will make their own notes. It's a useful skill to learn.

My Ds did the same in YR 1 (he has Asperger's and was also on SA+), he never had any issues with wetting himself for years before this even though he too can get extremely anxious.

The CT's came to the conclusion that he was trying to avoid assemblies...which didn't ring true because my Ds will point blank refuse if he doesn't want to do something and if he is in the right frame of mind tell you exactly why!

3 months later after wetting himself 3-4 times a week he finally told me (with lots of gentle encouragement) that it was a girl in his class telling him that she would get him into trouble with me and his teacher if he didn't , she had left the school a week before he told me.......and low and behold he stopped wetting himself!