DS's friend saying inappropriate things on the bus, using the word 'rape'.

[pickledsiblings]

DS (10) told me last night (in a fit of giggles) that his friend (also 10) says 'I'm going to rape you' in a funny voice whilst putting his finger through the zipper bit of his trousers and wiggling it around. When I asked DS what he thought it meant, he had no idea. The boy doesn't say it to anyone, he just does it to make DS laugh from what I can gather.

I told DS that it was a very inappropriate thing to say, I also told him what rape was (not sure if that was the right thing to do) and that he shouldn't laugh but instead tell his friend that it's not a nice thing to say.
Should I do more?

I've read a thread on here this morning about a 7 year old girl saying something inappropriate to a boy in the playground and there was a discussion around it possibly being a CP issue. That has made me think that I may need to follow it up although I'm not sure. Please share any advice or experience you have with such matters. Thanks.

Wow! erm i'm not sure what i'd do myself in this situation so am watching with interest about the responses. I 'would' report this to the school and make them aware that this is something that has been said though as its not something that should be taken lightly at all.

If you have no reason to suppose that the child in question has been abused in any way (and your post doesn't suggest that you do) then why not ask the teacher to do a general chat with the children about privacy, saying no, what is appropriate and what is not and so on, like so many schools and parents already do.

It's possible to explain what is appropriate and what is permissible and what is private (and how to say no) to very young children without discussing all/or any transgressions in detail.

The upshot of the lesson is that everything which doesn't fit into the category of what is explicitly allowed, permitted, decent and parents/teachers said is OK is not OK.

That way children (even if they're joking) know that what they're doing is not allowed. (The rule is the same as not taking food from the fridge. You don't have to list every item of food for the children to know they can't take anything.)

You don't have to mention the incident. (In fact, if I didn't believe it had any deeper significance than a silly joke) I wouldn't mention it to the teacher. But, (if I was on very good terms with the other boy's parents) I might mention it to the boy's mum.

If I wasn't on extremely good terms with them (and I didn't think it was that important) I wouldn't mention it to her either.

That is not something I thought I would see on here especially from a 10 year old.
I would definitely speak to the head as it isn't right to say anything like that at that age. The "putting his finger through the zipper bit of his trousers and wiggling it around" also would be a worry for me.
It could be something that he has overheard listening to parents or the news. It could also be more sinister.
As for telling your son, as long as he is mature enough to understand, I think it was a good idea as it is something that he has brought up. He needs to understand what it means and why it is bad to say it.
What did he say when you told him what it was?

sashangel, he kind of squirmed and then said "there's no way X thinks it means that'.

My friend's DD (11) had a boy say it to her as a threat after standing up for herself on the train (school commute). She didn't tell her mum but her friend's mum found out and did. My friend then rang the school and it was dealt with. The boys concerned were told how wrong it was and then asked to write letters of apology.

I'm still undecided on what (if anything) to do. Thanks for the response so far.

sashangel, he also likened it to saying "I want to kill you" (said in a funny voice). That sort of thing gets said during imaginary play and occasionally I intervene and say 'can it not all be about killing please'. I'm wondering if I should think of it on the same scale as that.

I squirm when I think of it too.

The boy may not know what it means but still shouldn't be saying it or doing the trouser finger trick.

What if he had said it to an child who did know the meaning? It could open a whole can of worms. I am sure the school would have dealt with something like this at some point and would know best what to do.

I think it needs to be nipped in the bud and be told that it is not appropriate. That is my opinion but it is your choice as to whether you decide to take it further.

Do you think it is enough for DS to tell him it's inappropriate?

ds is 11 and they think it is very cool, grown up and funny to use completely inappropriate words that they have picked up from somewhere.

They do it to be funny, but they often don't understand the words they are using.

I have picked ds up a few times on words I have overheard him saying in jest with his friends. He is usually horrified to discover the real meaning or the background implication of the words he uses and I notice he then drops it and moves on to another word (sigh)

I would see this incident in that context. But also keep an ear to the ground to monitor what they are using.

I would assume that the child had learnt the word via news/parents talking (ds is almost 10, and if it came up, I'd explain rape to him) - and as far as he's concerned, it's a vaguely sex-orientated word, which is (therefore) deeply amusing. I'd do exactly what you've done - explain rape, and why it wasn't in any way something to make jokes about.

As column said, I'd mention to a parent if I knew them well, but not if I didn't. I wouldn't personally see this as a cp/inform the school type incident.

Sounds like the kind of thing Homer says on the Simpsons all the time. There are lots of innocent explanations for how a child could learn the word. I'm not too sure about the zipper thing, though, sounds like association to me. But the world is full of associations too and lots of them are innocent enough.

Not on any Simpsons episode I've ever watched.

I think I'll speak to DS again about it tonight and hold off from contacting the school on this occasion. Thank you all for helping me to reach a decision that I'm happy with.

Now can anybody help with the whole boys and puberty thing? Girls I can do, boys, not so much. I've spent much of this morning reading book extracts on Amazon, I'm not sure I'm ready for this...

yes, sex= deeply funny
bodily functions = deeply funny
gestures around the groin = deeply funny

so, not much difference between a pre-teen/teen and a toddler then??

I have to constantly remind ds that there are 2 sets of much younger ears around.