dd loosing friends and not wanting to go to school.

[steppemum]

dd2 is 6, year 1.
She has always been really sociable, life and soul of the party, friends with everyone, type of child. She was invited to all the parties and secure in a good gang of friends.

The group of friends have mostly known each other since pre-school, and they are all in the same working group in class too. One particular girl, we will call her A was a particular friend although neither of them were exclusively best friends if you see what I mean.

Before Christmas dd started to not want to go to school, wouldn't get dressed, clung to me in the playground, and I had to peel her off and hand her over to the teacher. Once she was in the door she seemed to be fine.
When I tried to get to the bottom of it, she said she doesn't like school, it is boring and that was it.

In November there was an incident in school. I don't know what the spark was, but dd got very angry and upset and pushed one child and bit another - her friend A. I was very supportive of school, told dd off, consequences etc etc and it seems to have passed and no sign of it again (she used to occasionally bite her older brother and sister when she was small and got frustrated, but hadn't done t for a long time).

Over Christmas she finally told me how she felt about school. Since the biting incident, A won't play with her. The others are a bit more paired up, so without A it is harder to find someone to play with. Not only that, but the group around A who she used to play with, won't play with her either, because they want to play with A and A won't let her join the group. This means that at playtime she is excluded from the group that she has been friends with since age 3. She told me that at playtime she plays with a year 5 girl. I help out in class and I have noticed that now she goes and does her work with kids form another group as her group don't make he welcome. (I work on other side of class with different kids, I just observed out of corner of my eye)

I don't really know what to do. One of the things I said to her (gently) was that A didn't want to play with her because she had bitten her, and who would want to play with someone if they were afraid that they would bite them again? Dd understands that, but she (and I) don't know how to repair the damage, and help her rejoin her friendship group. A doesn't want to come round for a playdate.

I thought that over Christmas it might pass and get resolved, but by day 3, she was clinging and crying at drop off again.
It was really brought home to me last night how excluded she is, one of the group had a party. Only a small party and A and 3 others from the group were invited, but not dd. The party boy lives a few doors down, and dd has been to every party since we moved here.

Don't flame me, I know it is her fault, I just am at a loss as to know how to solve it. No-one can be forced to be friends, but can I do anything?
Just to add A is a really nice girl, and I am friends with her mum. I haven't said anything to mum as I have only just realised that this is the root.

I would have a chat with the other parents and explain how upset you are that this happened and would they be prepared to help you resolve it etc. worth a go as no child should feel punished forever. These things do happen.

part of me is wondering if this had started to go wrong before the biting, which was why she got so upset and bit in the first place, but at the time she couldn't really tell me. other than she was cross over something minor (I've forgotten what)

Chat to A's mom and see if between you maybe you can get the girls together so that your DD can apologise. Perhaps she can take A a little present. The other option is to coach her on how to make new friends, which is hard but not impossible especially if she is an outgoing child.

It is so hard when there is a small group and not a lot of choices for your DD to move friendship groups. I would also speak to A's mum, and see if she would help resolve the issue by talking to A about forgiveness and reminding her what a good friend your DD was before the incident. You cannot force friendships, but you can at least try to make it so she is not excluded from the entire group. I feel for you and your DD and hope it is resolved soon.

I would speak to the teacher not the other parents.

Yes I would be inclined to have a quiet chat with the other mums and ask them if they've heard anything and whether they could gently ask their dds what's going on.

Your poor dd. I've got two primary age dds and I feel for you. They're both in classes with kids they went to preschool with. All the mums know each other well so hopefully you're the same and can approach them and get this sorted out.

Make an appointment with the school as soon as possible! Don't talk with the other parents, it will waste time and may not get the desired result.

Excluding a child is against all the regulations. It's bullying, and your child and the others need to do workshops on friendship and group playing in school.

Demand to see the head if the class teacher fobs you off.

This is serious.

thanks for all the replies

One of the problems is that the class does loads of stuff in their groups.
So, the squirrels group do xx task for numeracy together while the hedgehogs do a similar but not identical YY task.

It also means that 2/3 of the groups do task while the other 2/3 groups do numeracy based choosing activities, and the next day her group is doing munercay choosing while another group does a specific task.

Which means that although there is a class of 30, all day she is working with her group of 6, plus one other group of 6, but the other group will vary, so today squirrels and hedgehogs are working at something, and tomorrow squirrels and doormice are doing it.

This means that she CAN'T make another friend who she can be with all the time, she would have to keep swapping.
She does have other who she will happily work with, as she is, as I said, pretty sociable, but not close enough to play with at playtime, and anyway, she really wants to play with the other squirrels.

I am sitting here crying as i type, I have been so down to earth and sensible with her, and it has only just hit me how upset I am that she has lost her whole group.
I am friends with all the mums, they would be shocked if they knew I think.

i would start with talking to A's mum as you said you are friends and would try to explain how we (DD and me) feel and try o understand how they feel as your DD might haven't told you entire truth (not on purpose but because something important to another kid is not important to her).

I wouldn't talk to the teacher yet as even if she "forces" other squirrels to work withe her, even play with her she can't make them friends!

good luck

nataly - I wouldn't be surprised if there was more to it, and a whole other side to the story.

No I wouldn't speak to the mum. This is something you need to have a good heart to heart with the teacher about. She will have experience of this sort of thing and will know how to deal with it. Part of her job is to help children learn how to deal with things like this. It is also important that the teacher knows this is happening.

I would only talk to the other mum if you know her, and you had already talked to her about the biting incident. If you haven't it could come across badly.

Nataly a good teacher won't force anything. She may move around seating a bit, keep a closer eye on group dynamics and subtly move things around, and build in discussions about forgiveness, moving on, looking at how we treat each other, etc during class activities.

I do know A's mum quite well, and apologised to her over the biting. She took it in her stride and was happy that school had dealt with it.

She isn't very pfb with her girls, so I think I could talk to her.

teacher is nice and supportive, but very young, and not very experienced. I am a teacher (many years ago) I help out in class and I hope I am only ever supportive of her, but I notice lots of little things where a couple of years of teaching would have helped. She is still learning in some ways and I am not convinced she would know what to do.
I think though that I may talk to her first, as I have a good relationship with her.
I might mention it to A's mum, sort of ask her what she thinks and see what she says.

(I am not dissing all new teachers, last year 2 of mine had newly qualified teachers who were both amazing, but this teacher just feels like she needs a few years experience under her belt)

I think you need to talk to the teacher not the parents.

she did a thing in class before christmas about being good friends, it was nice, but it obviously didn't hit this group in relation to dd

It is very hard for you, and made worse by you being inside the classroom so much.

I know, I did the same with DS in yr1. Heatbreakingly observing him stalking the playground on his own…

the one thing I learned is that the situation where I was in the school was unhealthy, I needed to give DS space to figure things out for himself, and make new friendships.

He did. He has a few good friends and rekindled friendship with an old friend.

But ultimately, as a parent, you can't do much other than: ask the teacher to keep an eye on her, let your DD get on with it, and encourage her to invite children she would like to invite.

Backing off a bit is probably best (take a break in helping out). You cannot micromanage their friendships.

Kids learn a lot from these situations and your DD will certainly have new friends soon.

I feel for you. My DD has friendship problems and it is hard.

Personally I would speak to the teacher to start with as really she is responsible for what happens in school time and needs to make sure that your DD is not excluded. She can work on talking about friendships and maybe try to pair DD up with another child so that she has a friend. Maybe she could also talk about forgiveness and giving people a chance although tbh it seems strange that a 6 year old would hold a grudge about the biting for so long as in my experience theses things soon get forgotten about.

Could you also try setting up some individual playdates with the girls involved. I have noticed children sometimes have a bit of a pack mentality and if Girl A says she doesn't want to play with your DD the others might follow suit and they all egg each other on.

If you can get your DD interacting with them separately it might help give the friendships a boost and your DD can re-connect without any pressure from the other children.

Steppemum that sounds pretty much spot on. I'd go with what you suggest.

fiscal - I know what you are saying about helping out.

It is a mixed reception year 1 class in a big double classroom. I help out one morning a week, and I never help with her group.

usually I am sitting right down at the other end, hearing readers from year one individually. So I am out of her way and mostly out of her sightline. Sometimes I help with reception kids.
I don't go in with her class, but go round through front door to sign in.

I get asked to help on school trips/swimming etc, but I am never with her of her group. In fact if 2 classes go, parents are put with opposite class, so we can be on same trip and not see her all day.

So I don't think I am cramping her style. I can see some things that are happening, but she doesn't know I have seen.

Do the groups ever get resorted? And are they sorted randomly/ability/friendship?

Because it seems to me unhelpful to have a group of friends who always work together, albeit with other groups too.
If a set of children are always working together there is a huge risk that they will either become cliquey or sort themselves into top (leaders or bullies-could be either or both), middle (the keen accepted followers) and the bottom (loners, children excluded from the main group).
If it's not done with existing friendships, then that sort of thing can break a close friendship simply because they don't spend the time together. If it is done with existing friendships then they can become too insular and not look at anyone else for possible friendship and become very isolated.

I thought it was exactly for that reason that they often have different groups for different activities and are also rearranged fairly regularly.

I am sure the other mums will be aware that something is up. If my DD suddenly stopped playing with someone she was normally friends with I think I might notice especially if there has been an incident leading up to this. Perhaps invite this girls mum over for coffee with her DD and give them a chance to play outside of school.

I think OP has said A is emphatic she won't come to play.
I would talk to teacher & try inviting over other groups in the friendship circle.
But my gut feeling is that you can do very little about this (sorry).

ps: I bet the children will forgive long before the other parents do.

I think year 1 is a tough one for friendships. They are just learning that friends can be exclusive, but haven't the empathy to do this sensitively.
I would not talk to the parents but to the teacher but be warned that it may the case for the year. In my experience, kids start being nicer again in year 2.

Dd1 had loads of friendship issues in Y1. We made a real effort to widen her friendship group which helped. In y2 things were much better.