Please tell me that your quiet YR child finally turned a corner by Y1!!

[Katnisscupcake]

I've written on here before about DD.

She appears to be fairly bright and seems to be Ok about going to school. But she's very quiet and shy. She doesn't seem to play with ANY of the girls in her class. She played with one of them all the time when they first started as they were in pre-school together, but that girl has now branched out to play with other girls in the class but DD hasn't. She prefers the boys (although doesn't really play with them) and will play at breaktimes with the older children.

One of the boys came over during the xmas break with his Mum (who I'm friends with) and she said that she'd noticed that even though DD is younger (she's a Summer born baby) and much smaller (she's tiny - only on the 0.4th centile for height - this is being investigated), she is a lot more mature than the other children. She would actually prefer to sit and draw/write/read than play with the girls.

At lunchtime she likes to finish her food before going out to play and won't rush it, so by the time she gets outside, all the children from her class are off playing their games and she walks around with the MTAs who try and find her someone to play with.

She never comes home and says that she's sad at all and she loves her teachers. I've asked her if anyone has ever said that they don't like playing with her, or they don't want to play with her or they don't like her and she looks and me like I'm crazy and says 'No, of course not!'. So I don't think it's that she's not liked, they all say hello to her when she gets to school, but I have to encourage her to respond. She smiles at them but she's just shy.

Is there ANYTHING that I can do to encourage her to join in. Or do I just need to accept that she's not going to be one of those children who gets involved? I am VERY sociable and I'm already friends with a lot of the Mums and have a lot of friends from DD's preschool. When her old friends from the preschool come to play (and it's 1 to 1 with DD) she has a great time. But she doesn't want any of the children from her new school to come around for playdates, apart from a couple of the boys...

Please understand that I don't want to change DD at all, I just want her to be happy. If she's happy the way she is, that's fine. But I struggle because I love my friends and I think I would be miserable if I didn't have them, so I find it strange that she can be happy on her own, if you see what I mean...

You have just described me at 4;-). End august birthday, quiet, studious, loved school, but was never part of the in crowd/girly gaggles; I had one or two good friends eventually, one I remain in touch with, and was perfectly happy. This continued throughout life essentially! I'm not a person who makes lots of close girly friendships, but I have friends and have never wanted to be any other way. I was an academic high achiever so it didn't impact on my education at all.

If she's happy and achieving at school, I would leave it, though of course keep an eye to make sure it continues that way.

This was my DS, he's a summer baby and found year R tricky. DS didn't make friends during the first year but found his feet in Year 1.

I worried too at the time but I don't think it's unusual and he worked it out himself. I would leave your DD be and wouldn't question her at all. DS used to stay with the playground staff or older children during playtimes.
DS now has a wide circle of friends.

I think it is a natural thing, with positive encouragement and praise she will get there. It is important you don't label her as shy to her face or to teachers, your DD will then assume everyone thinks of her as shy, think there is something wrong with that or think that is how everyone assumes her to behave. In many ways you have to accept her how she is, celebrate it- yes she struggles with friendships (but she is only 4) but she sounds brilliant at writing/drawing/being independent.
Children develop at different rates and so while your DD seems to be academically doing well and engaged, perhaps the social side is coming along a little slower. Probably as well because she is younger and still working out the complex social systems of the Reception classroom! With quieter children lots of their play and interaction is less noticeable as Reception classes can have rowdy boys and play time can be focusing on controlling them and dealing with accidents etc. It sounds like school are doing well and getting a MTA to help her join in. By year 1 I'm sure she will have the skills to ask herself if she can play and know how to include herself. As she said, it isn't the other children doing anything wrong, they all just are still learning the social skills.
Try having some playdates after school on a friday or at a weekend or half term. See how she does on a one-to-one basis. It will help her make friendships that she can draw on when she is in school.
Has her teacher expressed concern?
I'm sure she will get there, my DD was very shy. She is naturally more introverted but now, at 21, has a busy social life and is very confident. She will never be an 'in your face' dramatic person, but tbh I am rather glad she isn't like that!

Thank you so much PatriciaHolm and catchingzeds, your posts have made me feel so much better!!

DD has been through so much in life already (2 operations on her eye - which result in her 'looking different' to the other children and 1 operation on her ears) so I'm really conscious about her 'fitting in'. Add that to the fact that she is really tiny (and will no doubt still be smaller than the new YR children when they start in September) I don't want her to feel different. I use MN to get all these thoughts out sometimes because I don't talk to her about it if I can avoid it.

When I see her with her friends from pre-school (albeit she is better on a 1 to 1 basis, more than that and she gets a bit overwhelmed) she's like a different girl, laughing, giggling, playing.

She is very academic (even at her preschool she wanted to read while the others played outside) so I'm hoping that she'll get more joy from Year 1 when the work kicks in.

But thank you again. Your responses have really really helped me.

Dalmation, thank you. DD doesn't think she is shy and the teachers don't seem worried about her. I have asked them and they say that she does take a little longer to join in than the others but they really encourage her and they said that before Xmas they heard her loud voice for the first time which made them all laugh because they'd never heard her so loud - they were thrilled!! It probably didn't help that she then had two weeks off...

The problem we have with playdates is that she's said she doesn't want to see any of the girls out of school. The only time I've insisted (at preschool) on a playdate with someone she wasn't keen on, she didn't say a word and pretended she had tummy ache!! So unusual that I believed her and the little girl went home fearing that DD was ill - little monkey!!

She'd happily have the boys to play but doesn't want any of the girls to play.

There are two girls from her preschool and one from her old childminder that we still meet up with outside school and she loves them and there are also three boys.

However when I think about it, she didn't really settle with some of those children in preschool until she'd been there almost a year. So maybe she is one that will suss everyone out and then get stuck in.

Thank you though. I'm feeling more reassured with every post I read!!

I'm glad you're feeling reassured. My DS is fairly bright but was definitely socially immature when he started school. You would never guess so now!

On the subject of play dates we didn't really get into them until year 2. I arranged some in year R to help DS build friendships but they never worked so I backed off. DS now nags me several times a week to have friends round to play!

confidence wise it wasn't at school but DD1 had 6 full terms at preschool due to being a sep birthday. At the end of the summer term when she was coming up 4 she was still very shy at preschool, very uncertain of things, had friends but wouldn't have talked to the teachers without being prompted etc. in the september (so had she been born a couple of days earlier she would have been starting reception) she was completely different. suddenly so confident and outgoing with things. So although for her it was at a slightly younger age and obviously in preschool not school it is possible for a sudden development like that. We didn't change anything, we didn't do anything differently, it just happened.

That's great. It sounds like she is getting there, starting in reception can be very daunting and a huge social maze for such young children so it can take time for them to find their feet and feel confident.
I'd just keep up the encouragement and not push it too much, she will get there. As you say, she is very young and there can be a big difference between a just 4 year old and a 5 year old :)
As long as she is happy and enjoying school then I think you don't need to worry.