Need advice on DDs teacher!

[JessMcL]

DD (nearly 11) is in Year Six and has the teacher my son had when he was in the same school and same year.

A bit of background: My son is bright. I don't mean to blow the parental trumpet or anything but he is- and at the end of Year 4 he was moved up a year into Year six. The teacher hated this, and hated how bright he was. He would finish work in under 10 minutes that was designed to take 30 minutes or so and had nothing to do but read a book as the teacher wouldn't make other work for him as she wanted to teach everyone at the same time (understandable!) Anyway she resented him- never really took it out on him- but is with DD who is a lot more...sensitive.

It started at the beginning of the year. Every child were graded on their ability and put into different groups for English and Maths but the same class for the secondary subjects. DD was put in the bottom group for English because she skipped two pages (accidentally) in a test they performed in order to do this. I am by no way meaning to be malicious here- but although DD isn't "top group" material (she struggles a little) she isn't "bottom" either. She refused to let DD resit the test (which would of been easy) despite letting another child who had been "ill" when sitting the test.

DD is an early bloomer- she does already have (albeit small) breasts. During P.E. in September she was getting changed and some of the girls were commenting about them etc- and this teacher kept her back at the lunchtime and gave her a talk on how it was inappropriate to show off her body. I did, in a way, agree with this- but I didn't think it was her place to tell my DD this. I think she should of at least sent a note home to me- and she knows I pick her up everyday.

Then DD started her periods. Very, very heavy. I sent a note into the teacher explaining and that she would probably need to be excused (and reminded) to go and sort herself out ever 2 hours or so. That was fine but she was then placed at the back of the class when this teacher was teaching her (for secondary subjects) and she refused to excuse her from P.E. permanently while she was having her period because white shorts and heavy periods during the adjustment period don't mix. She assured me she wouldn't let it reach this stage. Also there was an occasion before Xmas when a dirty sanitary pad was left on the classroom floor- there are another 2/3 girls in the class (the teacher told me this herself when I was explaining to her she had started) who have started periods but DD was immediately blamed and kept in on her lunchtime

Anyway....today was P.E. and DD had a leak. One of the boys in the class pointed it out and a very embarrassed DD not only had the class laughing at her- but the teacher shouting at her "that she should take better care of these things". She did and went to the nurse for clean shorts- and then the teacher told her she would have to join in again despite being in floods of tears of embarrassment and wanting to go home. I didn't even know about this until 3.30 when I picked her up and she told me about it. She did eventually calm down but it must of been horrible for her and i've been giving her big cuddles all night. Even her moody 16 year old brother gave her some of his chocolate because he felt bad for her!

I honestly don't know what to do. I've called the head after all these occasions and although he has said "I will deal with it" the situation hasn't improved for DD. I was going to go and talk to the head straight away...but wanted DH involved as well.

Obviously I won't get her into another school for six months- but I feel so bad sending her to a school where I feel she is being victimised.

DH has said he is going to ring the office in the morning to say he will be coming in late so we can go see the head.

But I don't know what difference it will make :/ :(

Honestly, a teacher who laughs at a young girl in this situation is not fit for purpose

Honestly, a teacher who laughs at a young girl in this situation is not fit for purpose

I have sat reading this and I am embarrassed for your daughter. It is hard enough with all the changes that are happening to her without being laughed at by her teacher.

You can understand her peer group laughing, mainly out of embarrassment and not really knowing what had happened. Most wouldn't at that age I am guessing, especially boys knowing what is happening to girls and vice versa (We had "the talk" in our last term but that was a catholic school many moons ago were they only told you the bare minimum and too late for me anyway). However she should have been dealt with compassionately and with empathy as I was when I started at my school.

I would be very concerned that the head seemed it appropriate for the teacher to come and speak with you before you got to air your grievances with him. When I had a problem with a nursery teacher I spoke with the head, he spoke with teacher first and then invited us to his office to have a meeting to speak to us both together and try and resolve it that way, however it was nothing like and was more how she treat me and my husband rather than my DD.

I would love to know what was said in your meeting with him and what solution if any he has offered. Also what the teacher said.

In my school the procedure to complain is the
-teacher
-Headteacher
-Governors
-LEA
-Ofstead
If you ask the school they have to provide a copy of their complaints procedure and time scales. As someone said in an earlier post don't jump a step and give the adequate time for them to respond as they can just pass you back to the step before which would be more frustrating.

As others have said I would try to keep your daughter in school as it is a big year for her with SATs and also keeping in with friends. It would be hard starting a new school without a group of friends.

I hope you get this sorted and I hope your DS got a huge pat on the back for making his little sister a little happier

Hi Andro:

genuinely - I don't know what the situation was - I'm just imagining that the teacher couldn't hold back a chuckle. I also can see being gruff with the OP's daughter may be covering up frustration/ anger that the class was out of control.

I was older, but had a humiliating leak in PE myself at 13, and kids did laugh. I can't remember whether the teacher laughed or not, but it's just one of those agonising things. Puberty is never a comfortable situation.

It would be lovely if every teacher could handle every situation beautifully - but like that's ever going to happen....

I totally get this was mortifying for the poor girl and has badly upset her and Jess McL (the OP), but this kind of thing happens....

and hey - if the boot were on the other foot - nobody screams that children shouldn't laugh when a kid throws up all over them (which has happened) or when they slip on vomit (which has happened) or ice (which has happened). Kids are pretty merciless.

Indeed, I can vividly remember laughing at a teacher who farted quite loudly in class - she was coming down with gastro-interitis and was off for about 2 weeks after that. She was literally teaching and running to the loo that day - and none of us treated her with much compassion I fear. Certainly at the time I didn't think wow this teacher is feeling dreadful but is struggling through to teach us today. We did however all agree to chip in for flowers when she returned and she also saw the funny side of her eventful last day at school before sick leave.

I'm just imagining that the teacher couldn't hold back a chuckle. I also can see being gruff with the OP's daughter may be covering up frustration/ anger that the class was out of control.

If you read the OP, the issues is clearly the teacher shouting at her "that she should take better care of these things" that's not a chuckle and a gruff 'go sort yourself out' that is unnecessarily humiliating a young girl and lacking compassion. If that was covering up frustration at the class being out of control then its even worse because the teacher should have been trying to get the class back under control, not shouting at a 10 year old for something she clearly didn't do deliberately.

OP, I would try and keep your DD at school if at all possible and complain to the governors if you aren't happy with what the head teacher said, also I would ask if there is a policy for dealing with girls who have started their periods and if so demand a copy. Is there any chance the school would let DD wear different colour PE shorts so a leak wouldn't be as obvious in future?

Pastsellbydate - a teacher laughing at that would be totally inappropriate and would not show a level of care required!

OP - I would speak to the head again and explain that you will not be sending you dd back to school until sufficient measures are in place to protect your daughter from suffering similar humiliation. Speak to the chair of govs too. Schools hate absences if this kind.

They should act quickly!

It's not unheard of to change schools in the middle of Year 6. We just had one start the week before Christmas. If it's a local move, there often means there has been some sort of issue with the previous school, but that doesn't mean she wouldn't be welcomed for a fresh start and, hopefully a teacher that isn't a complete cow.

Just wanted to say that I was an "early bloomer" too, and was mortified by anything to do with periods at primary school. My teachers, however, treated everything with total tact and discretion, including opting out of PE when necessary. I'm a teacher now, and the idea that any teacher would "chuckle" at a 10year old girl having a period leak in public is ridiculous- anyone with an ounce of empathy would know how hard it is for a child of that age to be embarrassed about something so personal, and even still a bit taboo (certainly amongst boys of that age group)- it's not the same as just tripping over, dropping something etc- and all teachers should be empathetic!

I tucked my knickers into my tights on my first day of my working life. When it was pointed out (much laughter for everyone), I seriously considered leaving and never going back. . I'm very glad I stayed though. I had a very successful 10 years with the company and some of the people who laughed remain good friends.

Am I the only one looking at the OP and not reading anywhere that the teacher laughed at her daughter's period accident? If you accept the daughter's version of events (and too be fair, the teacher's version of events may differ), she was shouted at and told to to rejoin the class, but nowhere does it say the teacher laughed, so I'm not sure why PastSellByDate's little embellishment has now become gospel truth .

Best wishes going forward with this, OP. I hope you get the best outcome possible.

AnnoraT is absolutely right.

I muddled the kids laughing at her daughter & included the teacher.

'She shouted' at me is always difficult because it may be tone of voice/ wording rather than volume. Of course the teacher could also sound angry because I suspect at the back of her head she's thinking 'I'm going to get in trouble for letting this happen and there's bound to be a complaint'.

What I'm trying to say though is simply that yes, the teacher could have handled the situation better, but that these things happen in life (not just in school) and you do have to muster all your strength and courage and just brave it out.

As Library Book's post shows - you can pull through the embarrassment.

Sincerely, the point I was trying to make was that embarrassing things happen to everybody and that it's probably better for her, long-term, to muddle through this. I sincerely feel it will blow over and soon something else will have everybody gossipping/ laughing in class.

HTH

You will often find that schools do have spaces in Year 6 because if children leave (move out of the area etc) the places are often not filled as people don't tend to move children as only a few months to go. It may be worth considering if things do not improve at her current school.

Your poor DD. It does sound as though she's finding life with this particular teacher really tough.

In my own Y6 class, almost half the girls have started their periods. They merely have to ask to use the loo/to get something from their bag or to look slightly worried and myself or the other adults in class just say, "Do you want to take a friend with you?". If they can't catch our eye for whatever reason they know it's one of two reasons for which the classroom can be left without permission (the other is if they are going to vomit). They prefer not to use the playground loos for changing towels etc and I don't blame them!

You said in your OP that your DD is more sensitive than your DS...perhaps your DD isn't being victimised per se but is taking to heart those things that a different child may shrug off. Either way, she's having a horrible time and something needs to change. The PE kit at your DD's school sounds completely impractical for girls and boys. White shorts aren't going to be particularly forgiving for any sort of accident whether that's a period-related thing or just sitting on a squashed piece of food that didn't get swept up after lunch. Definitely propose a change to the colour of the PE shorts - what colour jogging bottoms do they wear for outdoor/winter games? I bet they're not white!

If your DD is desperately unhappy at school and you're in a position to home educate then I'd go for it. Secondary school is going to bring its own challenges, being confident, happy and keen to learn when she starts is much more important that sitting National Curriculum tests.

If she's not desperately unhappy (but highly hormonal if my class are anything to go by!) and would be ok at school if she could avoid PE when she has her period, you could simply collect her at lunchtime on the days that are affected. The school probably won't like it if it's before registration as it'll affect their attendance percentage but, if they're not willing to put a child's self-esteem before the colour of their PE shorts then they've set a rod for their own back. Just inform the office that you'll be collecting DD at 1:20pm for an appointment (ideally dentist/optician/GP/orthodontist) on that afternoon.

the teacher perhaps could have handled what happened in PE much more sympathetically. But your dislike of the teacher is colouring your reaction to this. You felt that she disliked your son because he was clever. You think she dislikes your dd for same reason and that she has deliberately kept her out of the best group. You are muddling all your feelings about her into making this into a massive issue. When you actually look at what you are complaining about - the lack of sympathy for your dd having a leak when on her period - you will seem like a loon to complain to governors, Lea and ofsted. They will not be interested in this. It is a matter for the school. You have complained to the school and say it hasnt been resolved to your satisfaction. What do you want the school to do? I don't see what you want to get out of this. You seem to me to be backing yourself into the position of taking your dd out of this school when you dont really want to. If it makes you feel better write your letters but I honestly think you are wasting your time. The end result is likely to be your dd without a school. If this school doesnt suit her enrol her elsewhere or home school but make sure you are doing this for the right reason and not because your are upset and annoyed with the teacher.