advice please - year 1 dd dreads going to school because of one of her classmates

[SarfEasticated]

My dd is a bit of wuss to be honest, sensitive and kind-hearted. Ever since reception she has been coming home saying that a girl in her class keeps threatening to tell on her if she doesn't play with her. We have tried to teach her different ways of dealing with these threats, but she is petrified of being told off so plays with her. Her reception teacher had a word with both of them and I thought it had been sorted. They started year 1 and it has started again. I went to speak to the new teacher who is very nice, and who said she would speak to DD about it, told her that if anyone did tell on her that she wouldn't believe it. Unfortunately at playtime the teachers are having breaks so DD feels that if she is 'told on' at break time she might get told off by the playground assistants. Another note on the card and the TA says they have spoken to my DD. This morning, more tears because the girl is now saying that if DD doesn't play with her she will tell the headmistress. DD says that she hides from her at break but she knows where she hides and finds her :( and DD also says that she now doesn't play with anyone any more because if she does this girl is more likely to try to join in and start threatening to tell her off again. I have no idea what to do - can you give me some advice?

I suggest you speak to the teacher again, telling her what your daughter has said about her teacher (her trusted adult that understands what is going on) not being out there. If it was me (teacher) I would be having a word with the lunchtime supervisors and any TA s that do morning and afternoon playtimes to inform them of the situation. I would also nominate one or two staff that are regularly on duty to be the adults your daughter goes to if they have a problem and help her start to build a trusting bond with them. Then if issues occur she can trust them to be the ones she turns to for instant support. Maybe you could ask the class teacher to set something like this up?

As an aside, as a teacher, I would be concerned about the other child. Does she have any secure friendships? Is she hassling your child as she has no true friends? Why is she having problems making and sustaining friendships? Does she know how to make friends and why does she feel the controlling approach is necessary? Maybe you could express that to the teacher as well, then you show you are concerned about the impact this is having on the other child, not just yours?

Dear New thanks for your excellent advice, I will definitely ask her teacher if she can sort that out for us. I don't really understand how the different breaks are covered so your insight is really helpful.

As for the other girl, exactly, the teacher said she is doing work with the class to make them all play with each other more and break up the nursery cliques, so hopefully she will have more friends soon.

I have also been very careful to keep the "B" word out of the discussions because I didn't want the other girl (who is only 5 fgs) to be branded a bully at such an early age. I guess I want them to work with her so she doesn't feel she has to threaten other people to play with her, but am not sure if that is something teachers realistically have the time to do.

School play time is a chance to teach social interaction too. And the little girl is just so young and could do with some guidance too.

But yes definitely get people involved to change things.

Ds1 had a thing when he was little in a group of 3 friends and the school were excellent at turning things around very quickly.

Teachers may have limited time to teach playtime skills, but the adults on duty can play games with the children to help them develop. We have specific play leaders at break and lunch time who help children develop the negotiation and game playing skills. These are a couple of TAs at morning and afternoon breaks and three of our lunchtime supervisors. They set up a variety of organised games and are helped by some of the Year 6 pupils who apply for this "job" and are trained in supporting younger children in playing games and what to do if they fall out!

I don't think DD's school has play leaders, I know they have a buddy bench but that's not quite the same is it :). I will go back and see the teacher and let her know it's still happening. DD says all her friends in her class are frightened of this girl, so something should be done. She can't go through school with no friends can she, that would be terrible.
DD's teacher is a newly qualified teacher and the head is rather formidable, so I will suggest the idea of play leaders and year 6 play monitors - sounds great. Thanks New - wish dd went to your school!

When we set up the playleaders system we just asked the lunchtime supervisors if any of them would like the role of developing playtime activities. Many of them jumped at the chance as structured playtimes = happier playtimes for many children and less problems for them. I ran a few workshops on possible game activities and then how to integrate loners, how to teach negotiation skills, etc. and let them run with it. We used some of this. We have a couple of staff who prefer to focus on the actual dining hall aspect of lunchtime but most are really keen. It is much more interesting for them and actually enhances their role within the school. It was a year or so down the line when the school council actually suggested the older children become involved. Again, it took some training, but now the apply and are interviewed for the role, which they love. Then I can gently redirect the ones who would make it worse rather than better by teaming them with specific staff and groups of children!
PS - personally not keen on the buddy bench (or "look I'm billy-no-mates" seat as we called it). We tried it, but quickly got rid of it.

Whoops - re-reading I haven't made myself clear. The billy-no-mates seat - is what we nicknamed it in the staff room rather than to the children! Didn't like that it just emphasised the children without friends, rather than the original plan of supporting them.

I knew what you meant! The head of my DD's school has made it very clear that she does not like 'interference' from parents so not sure how the suggestion will go down, from either me or DD's new teacher but I will try. Strikes me as very sensible, if all the children are playing happily together there will be more of a team spirit in the school. Thanks for the info - I will see what I can do.