give a dog a bad name .....

[superbagpuss]

my dt got to the same school that is attached to the pre school nursery, another little boy gas gone with them

this little boy got a bad reputation in nursery for trouble making and it has followed him to school. he is a large lad that is young acting so not really naughty but all the children in the class, inc my DT say he caused any trouble, even when he hasn't

for example one ds came home with a bruise and when questioned says x did it. dh is involved with the school and knows it wasn't x

other then teaching my DC to tell the truth and play nicely is their anything I can do? I feel bad that this little boy has already got a bad name and the children in the class are using this

I can't invite him round for a play date as DT say that he's horrible and won't play with him

Poor kid, does the teacher know the other children are doing this? As your DH is involved in the school he might be able to have a quiet word and make sure the staff are aware so at least they know to take any stories about the boy with a pinch of salt. Other than talking to your DC about it I don't think there is anything else you can really do.

There is a boy like this in my class and I know exactly what is going on. He can play too rough, he does find it hard to get on with others and he is not popular. Other children love getting him in to trouble with staff. The staff have worked really hard with him and he is starting to respond and moderate his impulsive behaviour. Under all that he is a sweet boy who just wants friends and that gives me rather a soft spot for him.

I must confess to suppressing a smile recently. I had a parent come steaming in to complain about him and how he'd bullied their DC yesterday, leaving him with a bruise on his shin, etc. The boy in question had been off sick for over a week! I really enjoyed telling the parent that and unpicking how he really got the bruise by climbing in the urinal and falling off!

This makes me so sad but it happens quite often unfortunately.
Its usually but not exclusively when a child is larger than average for their age and thus seems to be behaving too immaturely.And again unfortunately its easy to take a childs word about who did what when looking for a perpetrator. I know because Ive done this before realising what was going on.

It takes dedicated actions on behalf of all adults dealing with the child to help ensure that the child is not made to be a scapegoat as per NNFNT has pointed out.

I know you say your Dts dont like this boy so a playdate isnt possible but maybe you can befriend his parents so that popping round for a cuppa with child/ren in tow is natural?

One of my sons was this little boy. Due to when his birthday fell in the year, he joined his (state) nursery at a point where the year group was fairly well established, and the children had mainly been together for 8 months. He wasn't the best behaved child - he was desperate for friends, but used to barge into children's games, and push other children to try to get them to play chase etc with him. Nothing worse than this though - no hitting, no biting, just a slightly exuberant 3 year old.

This behaviour continued for a term or 2, following which he was pretty well behaved - he had just grown up. He completed another year of nursery and P1 with the same year group. Unfortunately the children in his year never really let him forget his behaviour. I witnessed them loudly telling their parents that he was "naughty", and the class teacher told me that they constantly told very frequently untrue tales on him (or we very quick to tell about very minor incidents, e.g. "LeMatin DS dropped his coat in the floor"). He had very few play date invitations, and generally felt excluded. I was prepared to forgive his behaviour of 3/4 year olds, but when it continued in 5/6 year olds, I, and the school, viewed it as insidious bullying.

The school didn't really managed to sort it out, and we moved him schools after P1. The difference in him was instant - he made friends, was happy again, and developed an enthusiasm for school that he'd never had. The situation at his first school obviously affected him profoundly - I felt guilty for not having realised quite how much until he wasn't there any more.

You need to speak to your children. Please encourage them to include his child. Little boys have a pack mentality and it sounds like this poor child is the victim of normal but damaging small child behaviour. I'm not sure that its your place to speak to the school, but it would be kind to at least address the situation with your own DTs.

Ooh yes, there is loads you can do (I've been in your situation).

1. always say hi to the mum, but don't bring up the issue unless she does.
2. if you are in a circle of mums who are gossiping about this child, drop in a positive comment about the child in question - then go quiet - and you'll find the narrative starts to change. Ideally, you'd drop in that that you are aware there is another side of the story. I managed within about three weeks to shift the narrative from "he hits them" to "they love to push his buttons". Obviously you can't pass on info that your DH has learnt in school, so that limits what facts you can refer to... you might have to stick to "well, I think there's more to it than that...." or "sometimes I think my DS does his own share of it, to be honest....".

I did once speak to the school - but that was a situation where my own child had observed a very specific incident of what had by then become bullying - so the head immediately called my child in and got the facts from him. I learned later from the mum that this had changed the course of a discussion considerably. The teachers had suspected that the "aggressor" was actually the victim but until I spoke to them they had no evidence.

This was my child all the way through school. He was even blamed for doing something when he wasn't there.
I don't know what the answer is tbh.
I could set my watch to the calls from school, most days, asking us to go in.
Nobody did anything, just called him naughty.
It all came to a head when he was 17 and nearly left school, a none school related incident made me take him to GP as we were so worried for his safety. A few weeks later we had a diagnosis of ASD.
I wouldn't hold out for too much help from school tbh.