Another mum says my 8yo is a bully

[LingDiLong]

According to my 8 year old anyway. She and another boy have this kind of annoying relationship where they can't seem to leave each other alone and bicker constantly. It's been like that since last year. She's the kind of child who tells me everything about her school day and some times when she relays their arguments they're both being daft and I tell her so, other times she'll come across as being unpleasant and I tell her so, other times it's the little boy who's been unpleasant - and in that case I tell her to speak to a teacher if it continues to be a problem. Mostly though I advise her to either avoid this child or make more effort to get along with him.

This weekend she tells me that the little boy keeps telling her that his mum says she's a bully.

I'm thinking I need to go in and have a chat with the teacher just to double check what's going on. I'm pretty convinced that she isn't bullying him but obviously I'm not the best judge of that so I'd like the teacher's take on it - and, of course, to make her aware so that she can keep an eye on the situation.

Does that sound sensible? Or am I going to be condemning my DD to be seen as a bully by making that suggestion to the teacher? DD is a pretty chilled out sort and has never had any friendship issues, she's not the most popular but she has a few close friends and seems to have always got on well with the whole class.

I would see the teacher but definitely not mention the word bully in any conversation. I feel this word is used to label some children too quickly but I would try, with the help of the teacher, to find solutions to the bickering before it goes any further and the other Mum actually complains. I think children can hassle each other and I bet the teacher will have seen situations like this before but as some people are hyper sensitive about relationships between children, I would find a way forward sooner rather than later.

some parents just use the word 'bully' meaning 'that child said something my child did not like'......

I dont see why you shouldnt use the word bully. Tell the teacher exactly what you've told us: your child has a bad relationship with this boy but from what you've heard they both seem as bad as each other. However another parent has expressed a different opinion and you want to make sure you're getting the real truth from your DD.

From what you've said it sounds like the boy is telling a censored version to his mother and she thinks its always your DD which, if it has been going on this long, could be seen as bullying. Mind you, I'd be wondering why that mother hasnt spoken to u or the teacher.

When you say Another mum does this mean you've had issues with this before?

This happened to my 7yo. She had a fall out with another girl at the start of the year, literally the first four days. No big deal. Mum went in, then told other parents "She has been bullied by ......" I was mortified. I also wanted to explain to her what bullying actually was - systematic, purely targeted at one person, bully is usually bigger or stronger personality, it goes on over a sustained period of time etc.

Two little girls falling out is really not the same. Two children whose personalities clash is not the same either.

OP I can fully understand how it hurts and annoys you to hear your 8yo being called a bully. It hurt me.

I chose to ignore it and assume that if my child was a bully the teacher would want to talk to me, especially as the other girl's mum went in every day for a week. She made a real fuss, but it was never mentioned directly to me by any member of staff in the school. In a way, by ignoring it I gave the other mum enough rope to hang herself with. She must have driven the school insane fussing on.

Anyway, the mum is still referring to those first days as 'when X was bullied' to anyone who will listen, but TBH no one is listening anymore!!!

I eventually did ask the teacher about it at parents evening (7weeks later) and was told it was nothing at all, just a big fuss over a little fall out.

OP I would ignore and encourage your 8yo to be polite but try and avoid this child. Do not give it anymore airtime than it deserves. Take the higher ground!! Good luck.

Thanks all, will definitely have a word with the teacher then. And no we've never had any issues like this before. Another was possibly a bad choice of word.

X-post there, thanks iwas, i am wondering if by going in i am giving this more attention than it deserves.

Yes you would be - just ride it out. Believe me if the school needed to speak to you they would. Perhaps just note the date for future reference.

Dcs can be very selective in what/how they tell their school day. You can imagine this boy going home and saying to his dm 'Lindilong's dd said this/ did that/ wouldn't let me have the blue pencil.' etc

What he certainly won't be saying is that actually for 90% of the day he got on perfectly well with dd or that he was the insigator for half of these incidents (because we all tend to forget the bits that don't matter or where we're not so proud of ourselves). His dm will ony be getting the bad bits of dd and good bits of her ds. Easy to interpret as bullying.

Likewise you will only be getting your dd's version of events, possibly a little rose-tinted.

Best advice - go into school and ask exactly what's going on but don't assume your dd is telling you everything because that's just not normal human behaviour.

Oh yes, I'm sure she doesn't actually tell me the whole truth! I just mean she tells me a fair bit in comparison to her siblings who respond with the more standard 'nothing' when asked what they did at school that day. As I said in the OP, she'll relay whole conversations/interactions, even ones that do indeed show her in a negative light.

I think it's a complicated relationship. The little boy in question wants DD's attention and friendship I think, unfortunately the way he is setting out to get is by teasing and annoying her (deliberately jogging her arm when she's writing in class, pulling her hair, trying to pull her and her friend over when they do piggy backs, that kind of thing). She gets fed up and calls him 'an annoying orange' or tells him to go away. He gets upset. I'm not sure how to help her deal with it to be honest. She tells me that she tries to get on with him, I urge her to be kinder and a bit more understanding but it inevitably flares up again after a while.

Ah well, hopefully a word with the teacher will sort it. She'll have a much clearer and objective view of the situation than me and the other mum.

Can the teacher arrange it so they sit in different parts of the room, if they bicker a lot?