Reception age child: really worried and not sure what to do? Long, sorry

[SquigletPie]

I am feeling really confused and worried at the moment about my 4 year daughter's schooling. There are so many aspects but I will try to keep it short.

A number of incidents with school staff has led to a loss of faith in her school's abilities to look after and development each child to their full potential.

Whilst my daughter moved from her pre-school to primary with a large number of children she knew, having watched her in class and at after school events she seems unable to engage with them. She will perhaps say a few words and always says hello but then plays on her own beside them rather than with them. This results sometimes in a group of girls who she knows chasing around and playing together while she stands around on her own.

At an after school event I repeatedly encouraged her to go and dance, play with named friends but each time she just wandered about on her own. A few minutes later she would come back to me. It's just the same at every birthday party she goes to.

The school don't see it as something to worry about but if the other children are able to engage with each other and play together surely she should be able to join in?

From an academic perspective she seems to be far behind the stages some other seem to be here on mumsnet. She has barely been taught 10 letters/sounds since starting in Sept and doesn't seem to be doing any number work other than counting to 10! Given she can already count up to 30 easily and 100 with assistance with the first multiple of 10 e.g 40, 50 60 etc this seems ludicrous.

Also about 2 weeks ago she started to mention playing with an older girl (6) and her friend during breaks. Yesterday I finally saw the girl and her friends but having seen them interacting with my daughter I felt quite worried. It seemed more that they were laughing at her expense because she is younger and unable to actively join in and play with them. I am worried this could turn into bullying.

I am thinking that she may be better suited to either a smaller school or an independent school where she will receive more attention and encouragement. There are 30 children in her current class.

I literally could not sleep last night for worrying about her.

Our YR DS is doing similar things to your DD and the school called us in for a chat. The senco came but she said half way through that she didn't know why she was there! However the teacher has flagged that the social issues will be monitored. We will meet again in December to discuss. They have said that they will do a circle of friends for him. We will pput lots of effort into getting to know certain parents for playdate potential. I have bought the book about the secret code of friendship and we willl get him to "do missions". He is interested but in big groups overwhelmed and so withdraws. Telling him to join in is useless as it is more complicated. Try to break down social tasks into small chunks. Start coaching on hello, conversation starters like can I play with you? etc and closing with bye bye, see you later, thanks for coming etc. Ask to speak to the teacher and see what they are noticing. Keep your own notes if meetings with dates etc. consider video clips. note down your experiments and the outcomes. It will help to keep track of what is working or not.
It is all such a worry isnt it?

I would speak with the teacher OP and ask them to make sure all staff are aware that you have a concern about the socialising. Her teacher won't necessarily be the one on playtime duty, so others need to know too, such as lunchtime supervisors, teaching assistants, etc.

If I saw a child on their own I would check with them if they wanted someone to play with and, if not, they could walk and talk with me whilst we observed what the others were doing. If she did want a friend, I would find someone from her own class. I would say something like, 'X is looking for a friend, who would like to play with her?' and there is usually a rush of volunteers.

Children are taught to share and be inclusive and friendliness is encouraged and praised in school. Just have a chat with the teacher and ask her to keep an eye on your dd.

My own experience For what it's worth- which may be nothing ...
I'd be cautious about moving her to a smaller school if she's a bit of an introvert. You could be describing me at the same age. I wasn't unhappy, but i wanted to play on my own. I had no friends and no interest in making them. I did, though, enjoy school as I liked the lessons, was academically ahead and confident and enjoyed learning things. All this changed when I was moved to a smaller school. As an introvert in a large school i was overlooked by other kids, in a small school this became active bullying. I would spend each break time and lunch time pacing the edge of the playground to keep on the move as if I settled in one spot they'd be in me in a flash. So I grew to hate school and learned to fake illness to stay away- habits of resentment and skiving I was later to perfect in secondary school . In retrospect nothing would've prevented me being a quiet introvert, and though I still am one, I'm quite happy with my own company, and only truly miserable when forced into the company of others for compulsory fun (staff Christmas dos for instance ). I chose my job to suit my personality and do well at it as I enjoy working alone. However the bullying was altogether a different. if your child doesn't do well in smaller scale settings either, eg the parties you mention, then a small school may only exacerbate the problem.

I'm 15 years down the line from you so a bit of perspective ... your DD is very young for the year, as was mine. I used to watch mine walking around lines on the ground on his own and it would break my heart. While we thought he was "bright" he was always at the bottom of the pile academically at school, partly because he was so quiet. He didn't read until he was 8, was always terrible at maths (but got an A at higher tier GCSE) and is now at a RG university, living in a social whirl with lots of friends. So while you are right to keep an eye on things, try to see the bigger picture. Keep her happy and she will learn. Good luck.

I think you sound like you have already had a lot of interaction with the school, and if I were you I would back off so you can fight the bigger battles if they should turn up.

You do come across as a bit over protective. I do understand, as my first child had some problems in Reception, but I waited till the second/ third term before having meetings etc. Does the class have a Teaching Assistant? If not, I think that's not very good. If it does, I would talk to the TA before school one day. I think sometimes they are the ones being more hands-on with the kids. After 1 week, my dd didn't want to go to school (just started Reception) and when I spoke to her TA, she asked about my dd's relationship with another girl (her best friend, but she is quite dominating over dd). I was very impressed she'd noticed and she assured me she would try and encourage my dd to play with other kids. They should be involved in all the free play (though not lunchtime), and maybe they are, but you haven't seen it.

In terms of learning, as long as she is not significantly behind in her class, I wouldn't worry about it.

However, if you do want to be a high maintenance parent you may be better off going Independent.

Purely on the issue around going half days - I think I've read that legally, the school have to allow children to attend half days until the term they reach 5 - which in your DD's case would be the summer term. Your DD doesn't legally have to be in school at all yet and you could withdraw her and then start her again at the same school after the Easter holiday (although withdrawing and then restarting might be confusing for your DD). Or, you could tell the school she will be attending for half days until the Easter holidays. I'm not saying that would be right for you/your DD necessarily, but I believe legally that is your choice, although schools may try to make it difficult.

scarlet your post strikes a cord with me. I think that introverts get a rough ride and that completely natural introvert behaviour can be interpreted as a problem. It is good that schools are alert to different needs and abilities but I think that maybe we expect too much from children compared to my childhood.

DS2 is the youngest in her class and when she started reception, she didn't talk much and the only friend she had during the play time was her sister who is a year older and her classmates! I wasn't worried at all, children are very different, they have their own ways to make and keep friends I believe. But I did mention it to her teacher during the parents' meeting at the first term, I remember. Until now in her year 1 report, teacher says : "she doesn't seem to have any specific friend but she always has someone to play with and well liked by her peers."

I think you need to give your DS more time, a lot of children do not act until they are familiar with all the surroundings and have enough confidence.