Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Please or to access all these features

Primary education

Join our Primary Education forum to discuss starting school and helping your child get the most out of it.

I was that crap mum this morning - unhappy reception DD

15 replies

JumpJockey · 11/10/2013 13:08

DD has been getting gradually worse at the start of the day - happy while in school but hates going into the room. We'd talked about how she was playing up at going in time because another boy does too, so we found him and his mum and planned that they would go in together holding hands to make each other brave. They were both up for this, went off to play for a minute. When the bell rang she went and hid in the corner of a playhouse, I had to pull her out and then carry her across the playground screaming. Tried to keep on being cheerful - You'll have lots of fun, look X is waiting for you to hold his hand, you're a brave girl etc. She just wailed and everyone was staring. Teacher is still being patient with her but I'm finding it so hard now - she is absolutely fine up to the time the bell goes. People have suggested arriving just in time to drop and run, but because the bell is pretty erratic (rung by hand!) this is a bit risky. Also she says she'll be fine, then at the last minute goes to pieces.

I'm really losing patience with her and feel really bad about that. What else can be done, if she's physically pulling away from the classroom door and grabbing me with both hands? She followed me across the playground yesterday after being nearly ok at the door, had to be pulled off by the teacher again. It's not fair on the teacher or the other kids, and I know she is absolutely fine once she's in the classroom. I don't like having to use physical force to get her up to the door, but there doesn't seem to be any other option and I don't know what else to do. Bribery has stopped working :( big cuddles work up until the time the bell rings, then she really worries, then she runs away.

OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
DeWe · 11/10/2013 13:26

Can you go inside with her? I don't think that always is helpful, but it might work in this case.

I also found with my ds that he was worse about going in if he'd just started playing and then he had to go in. So I agreed with the teacher that I'd aim for just as the bell rings. This obviously meant that anything wrent wrong in the morning and we would be late, but me and the teacher agreed that was preferable to him being in a state when he got in.

You might also have success if she could go in and help the teacher before others come in, or if she can sit in reception (with you) until the bell goes.

It will get better. Ds is year 2 and I don't have to worry about being too early now.

mumofthemonsters808 · 11/10/2013 13:26

Try not to worry, she won't be the first and certainly not the last to behave like this. They have seen it all before.I remember a little boy in DD's class behaving exactly as you describe. His Mum tried every trick in the book (some days Dad came along, sometimes he came late) but nothing worked, it had become a habit. Even in year one he had to be carried in by the staff and his Mum was so sad, embarrassed and frustrated by the commotion her son caused. He is now a tall, strapping 13 year old and we all laugh about this (he can not even remember doing it).

If it were my DD I would link it to her home behaviour chart with special stickers (that's if you have one). Another option is to tie a ribbon on her coat that you hold and then pass to a member of staff to take over. Let her choose the ribbon and the idea is that eventually there will be no need for it, once she gets comfortable with the procedure. I've seen this work sometimes.

Most importantly, keep your chin up and stay calm. Be gentle with yourself. It will not last forever.

redskyatnight · 11/10/2013 13:28

If she’s fine when she gets in, sounds like there’s not underlying reason for her not to want to go to school – she just doesn’t want to leave you.
Is there anyone else that can take her (she may well behave better for someone else)? Or can you entrust her to another parent as soon as you get there and just say goodbye swiftly and go.
Alternatively, if the teacher/TA is willing, just leave her in the playground and ask if they can take her in.

I peeled DS off me every morning until he went to a new school in Y3, so minimising the battle is the main thing I think!

PastSellByDate · 11/10/2013 13:28

We had this with DD2 and so we had a chat about how her behavior would make her teachers feel bad and upset mummy and daddy.

This worked (not immediately) but gradually because in fact she really liked her teachers and she didn't want us upset.

All I can say is that many children do go through this (and not always Year R - some can save it for Year 1 (e.g. DD2)).

It probably is a reaction to realising that she has to behave and do as told and possibly a reaction to finding working in school difficult/ intimidating/ confusing/ tiring/ etc....

There's a steep learning curve at age 4 (especially if a young 4) and it may be that this is all just a bit much just now. You also may find that what is bothering your child is another child in the class or feeling they don't know what they're doing - and not being able to articulate that clearly to you.

Genuinely - this won't be a problem after Christmas. It just is a very painful adjustment.

Finally, if you can try very hard to talk about how much better going in was each day (even though she ran away at the end today for example - the rest was really good). Just praise every little micro improvement until at last you get through this and she goes in without the slightest glance back at you.

Then be prepared for feeling utterly bereft that she doesn't really need you now. It's what you want, of course, but it does leave you feeling totally at a loose end and a bit surplus to requirement.

MrsCakesPremonition · 11/10/2013 13:31

Can you make a special, short term arrangement with the teacher - perhaps your DD gets to go in before the bell and "help" for 2 minutes. Or even ring the bell herself? It sounds like she's finding the whole bell thing a bit sudden and stressful.

BTW we don't have a bell at our school - the teacher opens the door and the children walk. No lining up, no pressure. If you are running a couple of minutes late that is fine so long as the door is still open you can go in.

StarlightMcKenzie · 11/10/2013 13:34

I told dd that if she didn't go in nicely I'd drop her at the gate and ask another parent to take her in, but she's the sort that you can do that with, and I'm the sort with no patience.

ImNotCute · 11/10/2013 13:34

This was my dd last year, it took ages for her to be happy about being dropped off, despite clearly loving school once there.

Definitely talk to her teacher about how to handle it. In our case the problem was sorted by the teacher making dd a sticker chart and she could choose a new sticker each time she said goodbye with a smile (it was a rather forced smile at first!)

I know how draining it is, she'll get there though...

hotbot · 11/10/2013 13:40

Can a friend drop her off for you, short term. Sometimes if ds is like this at nursery I refuse to take him, he soon comes round

MerryMarigold · 11/10/2013 13:42

You are describing my dd one Friday, the last day of her first week - except it was ALL THE WAY TO SCHOOL. I had to carry her out of our front door and then lock the door and then walk away so she followed me. She then ran, hitting me and pushing me towards home all the way to school (whilst screaming and boy, she can scream). I talked to her and stopped walking while she calmed down, but she would start again as soon as I started walking, I ignored her, I picked her up and carried her whilst she scratched my face. It was awful. I had to walk past so many parents while she screamed and also the head of the Junior school (where ds1 goes).

In the end we sat on the pavement and I said I would talk to the teacher and see what she said about whether she could come home with me. She totally calmed down and was actually fine after. I went in the class with her for about 5 minutes, but once she had stopped crying (which was on the pavement outside school) she didn't start up again.

I think what I learned from it was that the more I am at loggerheads with her, the more she plays up. Turning it into a 'you must because I am saying so' thing. As soon as she saw a tiny bit of (pretend) compromise from me, she was really fine. I realised I need to be a bit more of a politician when it comes to my dd! Does the teacher have any ideas? Perhaps she could start 5 minutes late so you miss the whole bell and going in thing? Or she could go in earlier suggested above. Can she walk to school with another Mum who lives along the street so you do your goodbye then?

I do sympathise. I was so embarrassed and angry with her that day. And definitely felt like that mum with the screaming kid.

SpockSmashesScissors · 11/10/2013 13:55

Speak to the teacher and see if she could she go in a few minutes early or the teacher could give her a sticker if she goes in with a smile.

JumpJockey · 11/10/2013 14:19

Thanks all We've tried bribery, that worked a couple of times, so we're planning on letting her choose something she really wants (thinking hello kitty pyjamas...) and saying she can have them if she does 5 days going in bravely - we thought of a week, but that would mean if she had one off day she wouldn't get them and then lose motivation. She's actually quite old - 5 in December, and has been at nursery since she was 1 so it's not like she's unused to being apart from us. Dad did nursery drop off, and she's said that the reason she is sad is that she doesn't like leaving me - the practicalities are that school is on my way to work, nursery on the way to DH's so I do drop off for school now.

The sticker chart might work, or seeing if she can go in early and do some "helping" - teacher has already clocked that she really likes being given special jobs to do to help out, she helped roll up a rug the other day and was so proud of herself Grin. Will also try asking if another mum could help in the playground, before the bell - there's one friend she always looks out for so could ask her if I claim I have to dash quickly to the dentist or similar. Perhaps if I'm out of the way when the bell rings that might make it better.

She seems to be going through a funny phase in general, she absolutely adores gym club on a saturday but for the last 3 weeks has said "I don't want to go" until carried to the car, then had a brilliant time. Seems to be some sort of issue about doing what she's asked, when she's asked to do it, which sounds like a reaction to the discipline of school.

OP posts:
pointythings · 11/10/2013 15:14

The 'funny phase' thing totally chimes with me, this was the age when DD1 started refusing to go into the pool at swimming lessons when she'd been happily taking part for 18 months. I'm afraid I got tough with her and it resolved quickly (involving a special poolside cuddle though) but with school it isn't as easy as it is for an hour long swimming lesson. Hope it's a passing phase for you, OP.

TeenAndTween · 11/10/2013 16:05

DD2 still has problems occasionally - she's in y4.

We have found having a transition object helps.
She has a small toy that goes to and from school in her rucksack.
If she is having a clingy morning, we get the toy out, she holds it as she walks over the threshold. Then when she puts her bag on her peg, the toy goes back in the bag.

strongandlong · 11/10/2013 18:23

DD2 was very similar. Fine until it was time to go in, then clinging wretchedly as though I was abandoning her to a workhouse. Someone an here (apols, can't remember who) recommended this book which has helped enormously. It comes with a cd, which we listen to (ad nauseam) on the way to school.

thegamesafoot · 11/10/2013 21:51

Strongandlong - that was me!

I'm sorry I missed your post on the other thread saying how well (and instantly) the book had worked Grin

Wouldn't it be great if schools kept a few copies to loan to the parents of struggling reception children!

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread