My Reception boy is very unhappy about school and it's breaking my heart

[13lucky]

Hi there, my ds started in Reception in September - they did mornings only for a few weeks and he seemed ok. Very quiet when he came home but always went in ok and came out ok. They started full days last week and every night he has cried (proper sobbing) and said he doesn't want to go to school. One of the main things he dislikes as far as I can work out is going out to play after lunch. He says he doesn't have anyone to play with and says he feels too shy to approach people and ask if he can play. He says he then feels lonely and cries. It breaks my heart. He is a very sensitive little boy and the teacher has said he has quite a few wobbles throughout the day but they manage to get him to stop so he is obviously very unsettled. He also wet the bed last night which is unheard of for him. I just feel so helpless and emotional (although I try very hard not to let this show).

Dc's school hook the younger children up with an older child. I think each older child has a little group of them. If they see the younger ones on their own they go and help them out, try and get them into a group that are playing. Would it be worth discussing this approach with the school? It has made a huge difference to my very shy dc.

Ask if there are any children he would like to play with and invite them over for a play date. He will settle better if he has some friends and interacting with them one on one in his own home will help him do this. Hope he settles soon.

Can you go in to help in the mornings? I did this one day a week, but I don't know if you would feel that was unsettling for him? Or maybe you are too busy?

You might get a better idea of how he is interacting with others, and also you would be well placed to notice if he has one or two other children he plays with occasionally. Then you can invite his new friends over to your house, which would make him more comfortable playing with them in school. Otherwise, I would ask the teacher who she thinks he would get along with, and invite over whoever she recommends.

I am sorry you are struggling with this; it is really hard to send them out into the world, and lots of them do have wobbly moments.

poor boy, and poor you!

The school should really help with the friendship thing at this age.

Ask what their plan is on how to make it work for him. Then keep asking how things are going, even if you have to grab the teacher for a minute every morning.

No need to make a fuss, but keep going in and ask how it's going.

Pushy parents get heard, is my advice. (so be "pushy" and polite, works a treat)

Good luck!

Thank you for your replies. Unfortunately they keep the reception children separated from the rest of the school - they have their own play area which is away from the other playgrounds so the buddy system isn't in operation. There are two children in his class that he is close too as the three of them came from preschool together but the other two are extremely close so I think sometimes he is unintentionally left out. And he doesn't talk about any other children yet. So hard. I will keep on to the teachers in a polite way and hopefully things will improve but it is so horrible to see him like it at the moment.

My son had a similar experience last year in Reception, it was such a sad and stressful time (for us both!). I am a Reception teacher myself so I am aware that many children can be a bit wobbly, but my son was really very upset and didn't really pick up during the day, which is less usual. He has always found it hard to separate from me, and really found nursery hard too ( he only went for 6 months before starting Reception). He would have little accidents in his pants and bad dreams too.He is generally a sensitive and anxious boy though. Has your son been to Nursery or had much experience being apart from you? What helped my son was having a very supportive teacher who allowed him to take things at his own pace, and didn't pressure him to get over it. He was allowed his teddy with him, and I went into the classroom each morning to help him put his things away etc. It lasted all of the first term, but them towards Christmas something seemed to click for him and he slowly started to get happier and happier, he was like a different boy! So take heart that it will get better, but he will need lots of support from you and his teacher. It's a big change. Good luck.

Keep talking to the teacher and him - hopefully the playground staff will wnat to know and can keep an eye out for him. At that age children aren't very good at noticing that someone is on their own so encourage him to ask others to play rather than waiting to be invited. Practice at home; maybe "What are you playing?" would be easier first step for him that "Can I play?" It is hard, but once he's managed it once it will bcome easier.

Is he allowed to take something in to play with? What is the transition between lunch and playtime? Could he go out to the playground with the person he sat next to at lunch?

Even if the older classes are kept separate, may be you could tactfully suggest that one or two Yr6 could 'monitor' the reception playground. In my experience some of the more sensible and sensitive Yr6s love looking after 'the babies'!

At my dcs school the teacher would mention it to dinnertime supervisor.

There might be more to it than just no one to play with at lunch time.

My son was exactly like this when he started Reception last year. He would cry every morning and quite often burst into tears as soon as he saw me at home time. His Reception class have their own playground too at his school and for the first week or so he didn't play with anyone - none of his friends from nursery went to this school. At the end of the second week I had to pick him up early from school as he'd fallen over in the playground and scuffed his face really badly - just as he'd been brave enough to ask to play with a group of children, I could have cried! (He did!)

I'm not sure what changed but by the end of 3/4 weeks he loved school, had made a friend or two and couldn't wait to go. He's not very good with change and I can only put his upset down to a change of routine/people/places etc. He has just started Y1 and he still loves school, I hope your son feels the same soon too.

Hello, so sorry to hear this, it can be heartbreaking thinking your child is being left out.

Can you start inviting children home for tea? Having a friend over is a good way of breaking down playground barriers.

Thank you for your supportive replies.

13lucky we are experiencing something very similar with our DS. He's finding it very difficult to say goodbye in the mornings. Like you we are searching for little strategies to help him. Good luck! Hope they both crack it soon

Do they have a friendship stop in the playground? My DCs school had one & you could go there if you felt lonely. The lunchtime supervisor could go & check they were ok. They also had a few toys like skipping ropes they could play with on their own

My DD is in Reception and I'm getting to know a lot of the other Mums. There is definitely one little boy who sounds similar to your DS, he is really struggling.

The big difference though with the school that your DS is at, is that at DD's school they regularly pair them up to play different games, including at playtimes, to ensure that they always have someone to play with. It takes a lot of time out of the TAs breaktimes to do this, but their sacrifice is definitely worth it to have a class of happy children. Every day DD comes home saying that she has a new best friend.

I would definitely go in and speak to the school and see if there's anything that they can do to try and get your DS involved with some of the other children. It is so heart-breaking for you to know this is happening. But speaking to them I think is the only way that you will get something sorted. Let us know how you get on.

My son was exactly the same as your son when he was in reception. He is gentle and quiet and was very scared at break times by all the fighting games. He started wetting the bed (he had never wet the bed ever before) and would claim he had tummy aches every day. He didn't seem to be making friends and didn't get invited to birthday parties or play dates. We were all beginning to feel very miserable about it.

Finally in the summer term it all seemed to get better! He made a friend who managed to get him playing with other groups of boys. We changed him to packed lunch, which he loves. The teacher also put him into a special group to work on social skills (he found it difficult to make eye contact because of his shyness). The first time he got invited to his friend's house for tea I actually cried (only once I was home alone!!) I was so relieved after all those days of him playing by himself in the playground. He is like another child now he is in Year 1, he runs into school with a smile on his face. I just want to let you know that sometimes it can seem like they will never settle down at school but it does get better. I'm sure we will still have ups and downs but so will all the other children.

It is so hard to take your child and leave them at school every day when they are so unhappy- all you want to do is hug them and take them home. I know that this doesn't help right now but it does get better. Have you spotted any other quiet boys that you could invite round for tea? There might be other children struggling to find their feet too.

Does he have to do full days yet? Could you go back to just mornings and give him longer to settle that way? Or do you need him to be in full days because of work commitments? It's really hard to watch them struggling I really feel for you. How old is he in the year? They don't even have to start until the term after they are 5.
We went through similar experience this time last year, ours became very extreme and resulted in the decision to take our DD out and Home Educate, which was kind of a shock for us as it hadn't even been on our radar, but a year on, it's working for us. (Not suggesting this is what you should contemplate at all, just sharing my empathy in how hard it is to watch your child struggle when you just want them to be happy).
The school we were at were very understanding and offered us many options in attendance, we did alternate full days and half days which seemed to help but in the end in our case it just wasn't enough but perhaps mixing it up (if you can) would help? Really hope he settles soon and finds some lovely friends xx

At our school the Dinner ladies would be willing to hold his hand & chat to him a lot of the time (they do get caught up with others' woes sometimes, though). Usually a trail of small lovelies hanging onto the DLs so an instant social circle, iyswim.

Perhaps you could hold a Halloween party in half term ,that way you could get to meet a few more mums and children and then you could see who may be a potential for inviting again for a play date . I did this when my DD started reception as we knew nobody and her birthday isn't until the summer .