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Primary education

Join our Primary Education forum to discuss starting school and helping your child get the most out of it.

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Original poster

DD just started Reception, clinging to me saying "don't go Mummy" [sad]

23 replies

Species8472 · 23/09/2013 12:40

I know this must have been covered a thousand times but I'm feeling so bad about it, please help, thanks!

DD (who was 4 in July) started Reception a week and a half ago. On the first day she was absolutely fine, no tears or upset at all, she seemed to have a lovely day and made some friends. However, since then she has been getting more and more clingy each morning, to the extent that the teacher had to pratically prise her arm off my neck this morning. The teachers are lovely, say that if there are any problems they will ring, and so far she's fine when I pick up, talks happily about her day, friends etc, but I hate the mornings and am starting to dread it (I don't show my upset to DD, am positive and smiley etc).

What else can we do? She's fine when we're getting up, getting ready, having breakfast, we have a nice (if quite long) walk to schoool, she's excited to see friends when we arrive, goes in happily, parents read kids a story, then bell goes and parents go and the day starts. This is the moment when the clinging starts and the teacher has to take her hand so that I can leave . I'm usually the last parent to leave as she just won't let me go. Will it just get better?? She's my pfb only, so I have no experience of what's normal.

Sorry for the essay!

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readysteady · 23/09/2013 12:46

Awwww bless. It will get easier especially as she gets to recognise her friends. Why don't you ask her to draw a picture for the teacher then she may be excited to hand it in. Good luck

Periwinkle007 · 23/09/2013 12:56

how do morning drop offs work? we were allowed to take them into the playground for the first two weeks but from today they have to be dropped at the gate. The quicker the drop off the less chance of clinginess I think.

it will get easier - first day of full days here and I am a bit emotional.

Original poster

Species8472 · 23/09/2013 13:16

Thanks for replies.

The way it works for Reception at DD's school is that at 8.50am you take the child into the classroom, and if you're able to stay until 9am they like you to stay and read a book with the child before the bell goes at 9. Obviously many parents are dropping off, saying goodbye and going off to work, but I'm a SAHM so can stay. I actually think that it would be better if all parents just had to drop and go, as I think that the staying isn't helping DD, but it will be in place all year, so if I just stopped doing it she would be much more upset . They have been on full days from the start. I knew it was a huge step for DD, but didn't realise how hard I would find it as well!

OP posts:

PigStack · 23/09/2013 13:20

Both my children were like this - I felt like such a failure -what helped was telling my dc that I would be back but that school couldn't happen while I was there =- also one teacher telling me it was my fault they were like this - she might have had a small point. And knowing that they would settle eventually. But it is so, so hard so: for you to help you through this difficult time.

DeWe · 23/09/2013 13:26

I think the staying for a book is awful for a child. They have a book to think about you leaving. I think certain two of mine (one of whom is totally unclingy) would have seen it as a challenge of how to keep me as long as possible.
The clingy one, it wouldn't have helped settle either, it would have just posponed the clinginess for 10 minutes.

And if others are stopping it's hard to explain to your dc if you aren't going to because they see other's staying.

Has she got a friend she could go through the doors with? That sometimes helps. Or ask the teacher for a job she does after you have gone?

ErrolTheDragon · 23/09/2013 13:26

She's my pfb only, so I have no experience of what's normal.

Quite normal, esp for a pfb only!

I found an odd solution to my DDs clinginess - which was, rather than seem like I was trying to get away or trying to prise her off, to do a really big bearhug ... a bit of a reverse psychology thing I suppose!

But it will get better anyway.

PoppyWearer · 23/09/2013 13:29

I think my DC1 was like that all of the first term and even into the second (sorry).

She was in the minority but there were a few of them like it, and the clinginess flared up again going into Year 1.

Francagoestohollywood · 23/09/2013 13:32

It is totally normal, and... she is tiny and it takes time to adjust.

My dd (youngest) cried for the first month of primary school, and bear in mind she was a very self confident 6 yrs old (that's when primary start where we live) who had always skipped happily to nursery school.

Give her time, and when you chat to her concentrate on the positives.

Original poster

Species8472 · 23/09/2013 13:43

Thank you all for being kind! .

Yes, before school started I thought "what a lovely idea to stay for a book" but now I would much rather it was the rule that all parents had to take them in and say goodbye, rather than hanging around. DD wouldn't be able to go in with a friend, as they have to be taken in by a parent/carer. She's more than happy to go into the classroom, she just doesn't want me to go. Almost all of the other children seem to separate happily from their parent. Sigh. Hopefully DD will get used to it soon.

OP posts:

DeWe · 23/09/2013 13:51

I would also say because all the others "seem" to separate happily, that isn't necessarily the case.
Dd1 used to cling very quietly and ask several times "don't be late mummy"-I wasn't ever late, but she really worried about this. She sort of accepted I had to go, but needed reassurances.
Ds used to do his worst clinginess before we left the house. He wasn't too bad at school because I arranged with the teacher that I would aim to come in on time-which meant I sometimes was late. But then the separation period was very quick, literally kiss, put through door, me go. That worked for him, so the teacher was quite happy with that.

And some children that are absolutely fine now may go through a clingy stage later on in the year, or even next year. Some children that never looked back in the first term were having to be peeled away from their parents later.

Periwinkle007 · 23/09/2013 14:20

I think the staying for a book is very hard for children. Much better to have a clean break IMO.

I would speak to the teacher and see what they suggest to be honest. It is still early days and she will settle eventually but every child is different. Perhaps if when it is time for you to leave the teacher has a task for her to do then she will be distracted and it will break the cycle.

Flicktheswitch · 24/09/2013 20:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Species8472 · 24/09/2013 21:19

Flicktheswitch no, no-one else can take her, we have no family anywhere near us. DH can't even do it as he has to leave for work before we're even up.

So...another upset leave-taking this morning, but again DD had a nice day afterwards. The teacher knows I'm worried about it and told me that DD was fine very soon after I left, as she has been every day, she just doesn't want me to go. We had a little chat later about why she's upset and she just says that she misses me. Oh well, another day tomorrow!

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RedPencils · 24/09/2013 21:29

Mine used to do this. If feel terrible and anxious all day whilst the DCs were having a ball at school!

I'm surprised the school encourage you to go into the classroom, the longer you're there the worse they are.

It gets better eventually.

Smooches · 25/09/2013 11:30

I had this with my pfb last year. He was fine for the first few weeks then started the clingyness abd crying. The reason? 'I miss you mummy' :( Broke my heart but he overcome it and having just started Y1 I am waiting for the clingyness again.
I do think the reading is prolonging the agony a bit though. At ds's school they have reading one morning a week and always have done. Bare in mind this doesn't start until the next term giving them chance to settle in a bit.
I don't know what to suggest really only to weather the storm as it were. x

Lucyadams184 · 25/09/2013 12:17

If most parents go at the same time then I would go with them. Say you are going home to do the washing up or hovering or something but you will be back later and could she draw you a picture or something. It will get easier.

Redcliff · 25/09/2013 16:58

I remember on DS 2nd day of school him asking me if I could stay and he was so sad I couldn't that I sobbed outside the gates so your not alone. Could you get there just at 9 so no time for book just a goodbye?

pyrrah · 25/09/2013 20:22

Although it's very normal to be clingy at this age and stage, I would skip the book reading as it makes it much, much harder for the child.

My DD was v clingy and lots of tears the first week when I could take her into the classroom and cloakroom. Now I have to leave her at the door she can barely be bothered to say goodbye to me.

The staff whip them in as fast as possible and then they also don't see the other kids crying which seems to exacerbate the problem.

Forester · 25/09/2013 20:33

My DD (who was 4 in August) suddenly started doing this at nursery drop off about three months ago - having previously been more than happy to wave bye-bye. It was a shock and quite upsetting initially having to prise her off me. But like your DD my DD was happy beforehand and was fine as soon as I left so I decided it wasn't that big a deal and over time it got better again. She's just started in Reception and is slightly clingy at the drop off but I know that she's ok.

So overall I think it's an age thing and it will get better before too long. (Or at least you will stop worrying about it).

Almostfifty · 26/09/2013 10:12

I'd do a week of just dropping off. Keep it short and sweet. It sounds like your reading prolonging the agony of you going.

If she stops getting upset, then say you'll stay and read a book, but she must stop getting sad, as it's making you sad and you know she's having fun in school.

I'm in class every morning at the moment and there's just one wee soul doing this. As soon as she walks into the class she stops and is absolutely fine and happy, it just seems to be an automatic response to her parent going.

ProudofmyKids · 26/09/2013 10:53

Just saw this thread. Has your D settled in? How about a sticker chart?

Original poster

Species8472 · 26/09/2013 11:37

Hello, thanks for all your lovely comments

Well, yesterday and today there were hardly any problems at drop-off, not sure why! She was keen to sit down next to one of her friends (although this hasn't helped before, she seems very keen on this little boy!) Keeping my fingers crossed that we've turned a corner, but will keep an eye on things.

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DrFiFi · 08/10/2013 12:47

We are having the same problem with our DD. She is our only one, and we aren't likely to have another. She is so clingy to the extent that she wraps her hands into our clothes and the teachers at breakfast club have to prise her off us. We've been really upset this last week and I had a word with the teacher. She said she's fine the minute we leave, we just need to walk in confidently and positively, and not focus on the clinginess at all. Say 'goodbye see you later' and give her a quick kiss, then on our way. The teachers will hold her if necessary. We must do the same routine every day. obviously there was no change on the clinginess today, but I feel a whole lot better in handling it emotionally. It's so, so hard to get through, but they will improve, and we just have to stick with it. Positive Mental Attitude!

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