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6 y/o obsessed with perfection so never finishes - how to help ?

8 replies

BlueBumedFly · 21/09/2013 12:42

My 6 y/o is in year 2 and really struggling. She is so obsessed with perfection that she never finishes a peice of work so misses out on having it put on the wall or looses her golden time to try to catch up.

I've tried telling her 'just try you best and have fun' but she is totally obsessed with it being perfect that I don't know how to help?

She is an above average reader, spelling is fine but when it comes to drawing it all goes hopelessly wrong. Her daddy is a very good artist so in suspect that may be a pressure she is putting herself under?

3 weeks into term - do I go and see the teacher or is it too soon?

How can I help?? Thanks!

OP posts:
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Ferguson · 23/09/2013 23:15

Hi -

Sorry to see your query has been ignored for several days!

I wish I'd had a few Yr2s 'obsessed with perfection' when I was a TA - most are just the opposite, as long as they dash something down on the page, that will do!

It is a difficult situation, but as you half suspect already, it quite likely is 'learned response' from home. Like the 5yr old boy I knew who refused to use a pink colouring pencil, "because it's a girl's colour".

Do you think you could have unwittingly emphasized high standards to her when she was younger? Re drawing: could she possibly be persuaded to just do a 'draft' of a picture, say, of 'stick' people, with a view to doing a 'final version' at a later time?

Personally, I would not trouble the teacher with it at this stage; there might be more serious issues to confront in the future, that really DO need teacher intervention.

Is her handwriting too slow, or is she writing more than she needs to, and that is taking the time? Or is it only on the drawing and colouring that she gets behind on?

{AhHa! - I've just looked at your 'profile' (not many people seem to make them 'public', which is a pity, as it's useful to know a bit more background) and it looks like she has quite a lot of 'competition', with the two older girls. Might they have some bearing on the problem, do you think?}

If you wish, tell her I was a (male) TA and voluntary helper, in schools for over twenty years, and see if SHE can write about why she thinks she has this difficulty.

Sorry don't have any concrete solutions, and I hope it isn't upsetting her too much.

DoubleLifeIsALifeHalved · 23/09/2013 23:31

My son has the perfectionist problem too and it's difficult to know how to help. He's only 3.5 so a different situation, but he has an awful time learning anything as he gets hysterical if he 'does it wrong'.

It comes out most in his alphabet work and any pen work at all. At nursery they are trying to be v relaxed about it but as rhey are teaching all the others, it would be even
worse for him to be treated differently / banned from it. It was the same with any skill he's learnt, but penmanship is where it all comes out.

People say 'oh just take the pressure off, let him do it at his own pace'... But there is no external pressure at home, it's a pressure from inside himself which he really sad to see him do to himself.

When he brought his terms artwork home, he went through it with me praising him and being delighted etc... He divided it into piles, sobbing as he went, with one pile being 'wrong'. He explained on each picture what was wrong and how he didn't do it right (his words, poor thing), and only stopped crying when I promised to help him 'fix' them all with him...

The only positive was that he finally believed me that drops of paint look pretty and nice on his print work, he would y believe me they looked ok on his free painting!

I think one reason is that he has alot of adults in his life and he doesn't understand that he isn't supposed to do things as well as an adult. Oh there was the circle incident, where he was devastated when his circle had a tiny wobble in it...

I'm dreading school!

DoubleLifeIsALifeHalved · 23/09/2013 23:32

Sorry meant to echo the last posters viewpoint that older siblings may be part of it? Judging by their level instead of her own?

Ferguson · 25/09/2013 18:50

DLIALH - If I was the parent I would be a bit worried that, at 3.5, they are even DOING 'alphabet and pen work'! Is the nursery attached to school, and is it staffed by a qualified early years teacher?

Even in Reception most learning is SUPPOSED to be through play (though some teachers control that better than others.)

And that is sad that you are 'dreading school' when it should be an exciting and rewarding time for all concerned.

(Sorry, BBF 'stealing' your thread. I'll PM you sometime re 'stickers'.)

adoptmama · 25/09/2013 19:25

I'd recommend Carol Dweck's book which is called something like 'growth mindset'. it is very helpful in identifying how perfectionism is damaging, and how the way you praise your child can really make a difference (praise for effort not outcome). Also try to introduce phrases like 'i love to see you enjoying your drawing' etc rather than comments which comment on the completion of work. My DD is also like this; it is a big problem as it is coupled with a very strong fear of failure. I found the book very helpful.

PatsysPyjamas · 27/09/2013 22:08

My 6 year old is like this. She got very upset at the start of term as she didn't finish a piece of work. It turned out she didn't finish in time because what she was trying to do was far longer and more ambitious than the teacher expected and the rest of the class did. So, of course she didn't finish, right? But she didn't see it like that. Again the other night, she was crying at the thought of doing her writing homework and crying again after doing about a third of it as 'there was too much to do and she was tired'. I specifically said to her, you only have to write x amount, but even so she kept on writing on and wrote about twice as much as I had said. She is a real perfectionist about it and always has been. Ferguson, I have to disagree with you about the pressure coming from home. I really think we put very little pressure on her. I also disagree with you on the alphabet and letters thing - my children have been to three nurseries in the last 4 years and at each one they have started learning the alphabet and basic letter formation.

Op, what is your child like in subjects where there is a correct answer? My dd loves maths and I think the reason is you just answer the questions and that is the end of it. No stressing over how much to do or how elaborate to be. We spend probably 5 times longer on writing homework than maths.

It is difficult to watch your child behave like this. I feel like at 6 they should have nothing to worry about. That is maybe just me forgetting what it is like to be 6 though.

DoubleLifeIsALifeHalved · 29/09/2013 05:16

Will look up that book that was mentioned thanks.

I do alot of thoughtful praising so I don't think there is a quick fix, but anything that helps increase the consistency of message he's getting from me will be good.

That's exactly what my sister used to do growing up Patsys ! Gosh it brings back memories!

The whole 'praise for efforts' thing backfired with her I have to say... She must put all the effort she possibly could into everything and made herself tired, stressed, cramped hand and eyes from working too long. I've been careful around that type of praise as it can really backfire..,

Romily · 29/09/2013 11:35

I would have a quiet chat with the teacher just to make him/her aware of how your DD is approaching her work. They can then reassure her and work with you to give your DD the same messages about her work.

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