What would you do if a friend has been told by school they have concerns about child

[Twiglett]

and you have had to sit through a long conversation on how wrong the school are and how they're only doing it to get the funding

but you actually think the school may well have a point and really friend should take them up on their offer of a referral (particularly for SALT)

but of course you can't say anything but have to be sympathetic because of friend's obvious anger at school

would you ever mention anything?

Depends on how close a friend they were. But probably would, yes.

um ... how?

Ah well, now you are asking.

Probably wait until the next time the conversation comes up and then get said friend to look at things from the schools point of view/different environments need different behaviours type approach. Maybe suggest that if the school have concerns and they don't might it be worth considering getting a 3rd party?

This might of course lead to friend asking if you think their child could do with some extra help and you need to be able to say yes and here's why.

But then I am presuming this is a fairly close friend not a school gate chum and they are also reasonable....

To someone so defensive and deep in denial, I might say 'oh, I'd take any offer of help - it would be like having a private tutor, wouldn't it? And if a specialist says there's nothing wrong, then you will have proved the school right!'

tell that a referral wont hurt. if there is nothing wrong then her child will be discharged and no further intervention needed.

i am in the different position in that everyone else notices dd2 problems, even pre-school did, but now they are refusing to aknowledge it and i am smacking my head against a brick wall. roll on sept when she starts nursery.

I would definitely gently suggest that it can't do any harm and find positive things to say in general. I know exactly the type of conversation you mean, actually.

Try to turn the question back on itself.
'Do you think that ????? could have any issues in this area'
'What do you think they are referring to specifically'
'Have any other carers/teachers mentioned any issues?'

I say "oh you may as well get referred the waiting lists are so long that you can always cancel if you don't need the assessment by the time it comes up".

And nothing more.

That "only doing it to get funding" is a bizarre (yet common) one. where on earth do people get those ideas.

It's definitely NOT your place to voice concerns unless very specifically asked though (and then carefully) because a)you could be wrong, b) you could be right - but the child may still not be dxed and then you'll be public enemy number 1, and c)the waiting lists are long and living with concerns pre-dx is a f nightmare.

JJ - that is excellent advice for all of us when these situations crop up.
I retract some of my post, I think! Wouldn't be my place to dx her attitude.

I teach a child who, I can't put my finger on it - just doesn't seem like other kids. I mentioned a specific repetitive movement to a special needs music teacher to ask her for some ideas for working on the "correct" movement.

She asked if he had been referred to anyone, and I said that I didn't know the mother that well, not been coming long, not my place, mum had mentioned he was shy but not said anything else.

She said it was a shame, as the centre she works in had 2 spaces for kids his age. She feels strongly that there is no time to be in denial, especially when the offer or help is there.

So what if the school get extra funding - they would be spending it on her child.

dunno blu- she sounds very in denial, but I see it a lot tbh. From very sensible, lovely mums, and I want to shake them and shout 'wake up or your child is going to start kicking off, it's up to you to get up and do something", but I don't I just say the line I gave earlier.

I don't remember being in denial (although everyone around me was) but I do remember only wanting to discuss it with certain close, straight talking friends, which is why I always say don't raise concerns (obviously not applicable in this case), wait to be asked.

3bob- you're in an awkward position, because I think it is a professional's job (not a friend's) to raise concerns, but preferably a nursery/school teacher though. Although the evil nursery's method of raising concerns about ds1 was diabolical (and it was after I'd had concerns myself so I was more than open to the idea). They told me I didn't talk to him enough/that I must talk to him too much/that I didn't stimulate him/that I didn't seem to care. NOT the way to do it.

yes I think you're right .. I don't think its my place to comment at all .. I will avoid the subject

but if she asks me if I think he has a problem I will mention that I think a SALT might be helpful to enable him to communicate better

Jimjams - I am currently working towards a new diploma in teaching music to pre schoolchildren, I was thinking of getting a couple of people in to watch a class before my assessment anyway, one is a friend who is a doctor and another a music therapist - maybe I could convince them to stay for this class too and see if either mentions him.

His sister moves like him too - but she also moves normally, so I think that it is imitation.