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Primary education

Join our Primary Education forum to discuss starting school and helping your child get the most out of it.

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Original poster

DD (4) crying and clinging on to me as I try and leave her at school - so awful

22 replies

coldfingersandtoes · 17/09/2013 09:47

DD is an august baby so very young, she is doing part time at school and starting a week ago, we have had a few good days going in when she has tried so hard not to cry but the other days have been just awful, she is literally clinging on to me and screaming. I then cry and the whole thing is just so upsetting. She has to be peeled off me and I have to leave her little upset face screaming for me. I'm finding it so hard. Any advice on how to handle this?

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Chrysanthemum5 · 17/09/2013 09:52

Could any one else drop her off for a bit? Generally my DD finds it much easier to be brave with other people than with me.

Also, could the teacher give her a task to distract her? Or could she have a small teddy that she keeps in her bag so she has part of home with her?

Sometimes I take DD's teddy in to work with me as DD seems to find it easier to accept going to school if teddy is also working.

It is incredibly hard for both of you so I really would suggest getting some else to drop off and remove that tension if at all possible - just for a while until she gets used to school

sandyballs · 17/09/2013 09:53

My DD went through this in reception, try and leave as quickly as possible. Sounds harsh but the longer you are there, the more prolonged this will become. Has the teacher said she settled down after you have gone?

It's so hard, I feel for you, I remember it so clearly and DD is nearly 13.

fivesacrowd · 17/09/2013 09:59

Ds did this so feel your pain. Can you see into the classroom from outside? Ds teacher go me to wait until the children were in and then I could see that he settled really quickly when he thought I'd gone. It's hard, but don't let dd see that you're upset, she'll feed off your anxiety. I've spent many a day with my stomach in knots after having to leave him upset only to have him come out of school all smiles and happy stories - he's 12 now btw so doesn't cry going to school now, just moans about being sooooo tired! Have a and and hopefully when you go to collect her she'll be a happier wee scone.

ArseyDarcey · 17/09/2013 10:21

not me but my friends DS screams when she takes him to school. he's just started Reception in September.
The teacher said to her the best thing is to pass him over very quickly to the teacher, say goodbye and kiss her DS then go so he can't see her.

I know it seems harsh but the quicker they get him into the classroom the quicker he calms down and he's then ok for the rest of the day.
It's such a shame as they are only little but the quick approach works best for her DS.
hope things get better what have school advised?

FannyFifer · 17/09/2013 10:23

Could you not call it quits and start her next year, are children that young allowed to go to school, that's practically still a toddler.

Periwinkle007 · 17/09/2013 10:49

I think make drop off quick as possible and go. don't stay where she can see you.

I have one in Yr1 and one just started in reception and I have been watching the other parents this year. where children are clingy if the parents hang around and the child can still see them once they have been separated the child starts trying to come back out again and gets upset. It really is better though if you can keep smiling (I know it is hard) but please try not to let her see you upset. It might be worth asking her why she is upset. my daughter went through a patch of not wanting to go to preschool but when asked why she said she was worried mummy would be lonely without her (actually mummy was rejoicing at a bit of time off but that is beside the point). she will settle once she gets used to it.

speedyboots · 17/09/2013 10:49

I'm a Reception teacher and have had children like this in my class. I agree that the best thing is to drop her off quickly, making sure you've said goodbye and told her you'll be picking her up after lunch or whatever time. Honestly dragging it out makes it worse and I've never had a child continue being upset for long. How does she seem afterwards? Does she say she's enjoyed it?

christinarossetti · 17/09/2013 10:56

My dd was exactly the same in reception (and also at nursery for the 3 years before that). It's bloody hard isn't it?

I agree with leaving as quickly as possible and reminding yourself that this is part of the process of her settling into school and it won't be like that forever.

Also, check with the teacher/TA - is she happy after you've gone? Hard to believe, but they usually are.

Hope that it doesn't last long for you both.

hels71 · 17/09/2013 11:21

My DD had a little photo of me that she kept in her pocket (Just printed on paper so we could easily do a new one if it got lost) and she found this helped when she was feeling sad. (She was not as upset as yours sounds though..........)

EmeraldJeanie · 17/09/2013 11:26

My ds is doing this at the moment. What made it a bit better yesterday and today was a friend of mine and her child. As I leave this Mum and her lovely little girl whisk him off to story corner, playdough etc and he calms down quickly. The other Mum then meets me at the gate and I am reassured. Not sure if teacher minds or not but does seem to be resulting in a happier, more quickly settled little boy. [He is summer born and little girl nearly 5. She holds his hand and mothers him. Fine by me as it seems to work and both children seem happy].

thegamesafoot · 17/09/2013 12:53

I would also recommend this book, which relates to starting school. I altered the story slightly to say "Mummy loves you, Daddy loves you", rather than just "Mummy loves you". We haven't read the book for ages, but "kissing hands" are part of our bedtime and off to school routine - for dd it worked (and still works) a treat!

MrsCakesPremonition · 17/09/2013 12:59

Could you try and control your own emotions, so that your DD doesn't see you getting upset and crying? I know it's hard to do, but if you seem very calm and happy about dropping her off she might pick up on the positive vibe and start to relax a bit. Oh - and give her something 'special' of yours for her to look after in her pocket all day (a pretty hanky or similar) which she can return to you when you collect her, it is comforting for her to touch during the day as well as reassuring her that you will be back to pick her up.

christinarossetti · 17/09/2013 13:11

I agree with the last point completely, other than to say it's hard to actually feel calm and relaxed if you have worries about how your child is afterwards and/or you don't know the school very well.

I would definitely speak with the teacher after school to get a sense of how she is when you've gone, which I found helpful.

PeterParkerSays · 17/09/2013 13:25

FannyFifer children start school the term after their 4th birthday. They don't legally have to be educated until the term after their 5th birthday, but you'd have to start your child at school in Yr 1 then, not reception, and the other children will have had a year to form friendships in Reception. Plus you'd only get a place if there was a space vacant in the class, which there isn't likely to be if it's an in-demand school.

OP, my DS is an August baby and has just started reception so I feel for you. We've even had some Yr1's crying as well though, which I hadn't expected. I agree with Emerald about getting him to go in with another child so he's got someone else to engage with.

sparrowfart23 · 17/09/2013 13:56

I agree with the other posters that 'quick is best' (personal experience) but I know too that this is really hard to do sometimes.

At nursery it was easier for me to take enough time to settle my DD when she was really upset/clingy, but this is harder at primary as you are conscious of disrupting the start of school. Talk to your DD's teacher and see if you can establish a routine to follow. I have found that if I can hand DD over to an adult (e.g. 'Tell Mrs. Lovely about the dog we saw at the weekend.') I can leave confident that they will soothe her if necessary. I try to say goodbye at the door, and only go in if I have to.

You will need to be strong and hide those tears from your DD! It will get easier. Good luck and !

sandyballs · 17/09/2013 21:53

Just thought of something that helped my DD in the mornings - getting there early and being one of the first ones in the classroom. She was much better about me leaving if the room was still fairly quiet and calm. If we arrived later and it was manic she would be extra stressed by the whole thing.

Took me a few weeks to realise that though!!

strongandlong · 20/09/2013 10:26

thegamesafoot thank you so much for recommending that book!

I'm having similar problems with my only-just-4yo DD2. I ordered the book and read it for the first time the night before last. When I read the bit about the raccoon not wanting to go to school she said 'like me!' and was so excited. Yesterday morning she happily toddled into breakfast club (having exchanged hand-kisses first) and proudly told me last night that she hadn't cried at all at school :) Until now there have been at least some tears every day. Magic!

SkodaLabia · 20/09/2013 10:33

I'm maybe the lone voice here, but for my DD quick wasn't best. She's just started preschool and was beside herself when I tried the quick drop idea. It got worse until she had to be peeled off me, which I decided was not going to happen again.

For the next few days I went in with her just for 1 - 2 minutes until she had found someone to play with, then I kissed her and said goodbye, making sure she knew I was going and when I'd be back. It was much better, after 3 days I no longer needed to go in.

Is going in for a minute not possible, OP?

christinarossetti · 20/09/2013 14:57

Going in for 1 or 2 minutes is quick!

SkodaLabia · 20/09/2013 15:08

Absolutely. I'm sure the preschool would have preferred me not to go in at all, but my hunch was that DD would be fine if I could get her through the door, set her up with someone/thing to play with and then say goodbye. I think her stress was coming from feeling she was being taken from me.

Fairyliz · 21/09/2013 16:40

I work in the school office. Every year we have tearful mums phoning about 9.30- 10am because their child was in floods of tears when they left.
I always go and have a peep through the reception door and the little darlings are always fine; I have yet to see one still crying!
I do phone the parents back and let them know, so it might be worthwhile phoning the nice lady in the office if you need reassurance.

lougle · 21/09/2013 19:24

DD3 is very confident but we had tears on Friday because she was so tired. I literally handed her over to her teacher and said 'tired today', told her I loved her and said 'thank you' with a cheery voice while I walked away.

Horrible.

But her teacher phoned me at 10am to say that she'd settled within a minute and was absolutely fine.

Quick, cheery and confident, no matter how you feel on the inside.

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