Would you change schools now if you could? DS unhappy at new school

[mactavish]

We were lucky enough to have the choice of two good independent schools, and in the end we went for the one slightly stronger academically as it preps them for leaving at 7+ with good chances of getting into good junior/secondary.

Unfortunately all of his friends from nursery have gone to different schools, including 4 friends which have gone to the school I could have chosen for him instead. I think we imagined he would settle in just fine and make new friends but he's unhappy every morning when he sees the uniform and now I am so upset to see him unhappy. Think its all my fault and why didn't I rate his friendships as being more important than I did.

On Friday he told me he wants to go to a different school. At the weekend he told me his imaginary mum had said he can go to a different bigger school. I have been careful not to mention the other school or the fact that 4 of his friends are there, but think maybe he remembers open day visits in the past to that school.

Anyway, now I MAY have a chance to get him moved into that other school where his friends are, but wonder if we are just causing him more distress with another change. If he is allowed to go there on a visit he is bound to say he prefers it when he sees his friends/the playground so I'm unsure whether to even go that far or just persevere. He only started his new school 2 weeks ago. The teacher says he is extremely quiet in class. I think he is bottling things up and being brave.

Thanks in advance.

I think it's far too early to move yet. This is the worst time I think for Reception starters - they've got over the initial excitement of starting and it's struck them that this is now what they have to do every day. He's not really had long enough to make friends (particularly if other children have existing friends they will be clinging to them) or get used to it.

DS started Reception knowing 3 children - none particular friends. By half term he'd made other friends and scarcely bothered with the 3 he'd known before.
DD started Reception from the school nursery so knew lots of children. I will definitely say she settled down quicker than DS ... but only by a matter of a few weeks. Her best friend by year 1 was a child that she didn't know in nursery.

I suppose what I'm saying is that moving him to a school where he has friends may well help in the short term but it evens out very quickly!

Other than the friends thing how are you feeling about the school? Does it feel like a good fit for your ds? Is the teacher sympathetic to his shyness/unhappiness and suggesting ways to help? If so I would say leave it a bit longer it is very early on. Can you arrange some play dates out of school so he can get to know some of his classmates on a 1-1 basis?

My ds1 has just started reception at an independent and he didn't know anyone there, I was v worried about the friends thing and unsure if I'd done the right thing. He hasn't yet (understandably) made any proper friends but he's starting to mention some names regularly and he's so happy and excited to go in the morning and full of what he's been doing in the evening. The school and his teacher seems really understanding of the social side. We've had all the parent contact details and a number of us have set up play dates, he went to one little boy's party recently and there have been several parent social events already which has really helped to build links and to help the dc to make friends.

So I think give it a bit more time unless you feel that the school isn't right for him and you're sure that the other one would be otherwise moving is a big upheaval though if you're going to do it I would have thought sooner rather than later before friendships/groups get too established.

Way too early . He will make friends and settle given time and think you should play down that there may be another option and rethink at half term if needs be. Time will tell whether the 4 will even remain friends now the opportunities widen and stay there longer term.

Thanks to all.

Littleoaktree, I think I don't feel good about his current school (it feels like an old draughty small school) and am deeply regretting not going for the other one which is nearer our home, has better and more spacious facilities and goes on to age 11 rather than 7. Was purely motivated by the higher chances to get into another good school at 7. Could not feel worse about that mercenary decision now. It is questionable whether he would get into that great school at 7 anyway, and then we could be faced with another change in 3 years time onto another school where he doesn't know many children.
Also, on the back of the Telegraph Too Much Too Soon letter, I'm feeling more comfortable about the other school who will not put pressure on him like that until 11+ not 7+

He's a sensitive boy, very aware of his surroundings and clams up in stressful and unfamiliar environments. I was thinking to have friends he knows around him will speed up his ability to relax and get on with learning. I have bust a gut in the past week and managed to arrange three 1-1 playdates with his new classmates, but hard to tell how that has helped, he still kind of plays on his own when with them and still was upset going in this morning.
He's a May baby so fairly young in the year.

However, don't want to add to his troubles now by adding more confusion for him by showing him this other school, I suspect he will prefer it, but then how long will it take him to adjust through another change? But if we do end up doing it, would it be better to do it sooner rather than at half-term/january? Also I'm aware I may be influencing this desire to switch schools as it would in many ways be easier for ME too, socially I already know some mums well, practically, closer to home, etc. Feel I have already made a dogs dinner of this and don't want to influence a choice on what is best for DS through my own unconscious wishes!

It's so difficult isn't it to know what to do for the best. Aside from the facilities issue what do you feel about his teacher and the ethos of the school? How does that compare with the other school?

Tbh it sounds like neither you nor ds are happy with the school, it's early enough in term for it not to be a major issue if he joins another reception class a bit late. I think if it was me and my ds I would actually ask him and talk to him about it - I know they are young at 4.5 (ds1 is April birthday) - but ds1 certainly has clear views on places he likes/doesn't like and is always much happier doing something or being somewhere that he has chosen/liked from the start rather than something I've persuaded him to 'like' or accept. Ds1 jumps up and down in excitement at going to school - if he was miserable and still was after a couple of weeks I would definitely be thinking about moving him.

My view (with no great experience of these matters) is that moving by half term would make the most sense to enable him to settle into the new school.

When I first began to read your post I expected to say to give him a chance to settle in and give it until Christmas. However, I think that if you have general concerns about the school being the right one for you and your son then I'd move him now. Remember though that you normally have to give a terms notice- so may be worth finding out where you stand on fees due for next term.

It,would be quite upsetting for him to be shown the other school if,you could not get him a place there. Get the place, give your notice, then change. We spent too long in one school. Big mistake.

I would move him. We all make the wrong choice sometimes. Sounds like you may be lucky and have a second chance.

The sooner the better, if you can. No need to drag things out - the longer you wait, the greater the confusion. I'd just do it.

I think if you know, deep down, you made the wrong choice, then move him now. But I wouldn't let him know anything about it until you were 100% sure you had a place at the other school.

My dd started reception class last week..she settled quickly... She is very happy now... Last year she went to a private nursery school... We paid huge amount of money.. The school and teachers seemed vety good... but my dd did not like.. She cried everyday.. I thought that one day she would settle but it never happened.. She always hated that school... I thought that I would face the same problem in the reception class but it did not happen.. Our new school is a community school.. If I were you, I would send my child to a school where he wants.. It is not logical to wait that one day he will settle

I would move him as fast as I could. Your instincts are telling you to, the other school has more going for it, and having friends there means he will settle faster. Plus he's only been at this school a couple of weeks so this is the perfect time to move.

Go for it.

Yep, go for it. My ds was miserable at first school, bored stiff in fact. Eventually we moved him and he thrived, immediately. Hate to think what would have happened if we'd pretended nothing was wrong.