Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Please or to access all these features

Primary education

Join our Primary Education forum to discuss starting school and helping your child get the most out of it.

ds 9 in tears nearly every day after school

13 replies

Karensara · 21/06/2006 17:36

I haven't posted on here for years (last time was to do with breasfeeding!) but now I need some of your valuable mumsnet advice. And apologies, it's a long one! ds is 9 (yr 4)and is in tears most days after school! He, on the whole is a quiet child who doesn't like sport, hates football, (not interested in world cup) and would rather sit and read the latest Anthony Horowitz (honestly!). His class has some rather (to put it nicely) exuberant boys with whom he has no wish to play. The rest of them play football/run around which he doesn't want to do either and the girls tend to play with the girls. He tells me he is quite happy doing his own thing/watching them as long as they don't ask/make him join in, which on the whole they don't. I wanted to tell you this so you get a general picture of ds. Now here's the problem. There is one particular boy, and, to make matters worse - he's our neighbour - who constantly winds my son up, constantly digging, poking, telling the teacher lies, deliberately tripping him over, basically doing whatever he can to get my son in to trouble. When ds tells the teacher that this boy is poking him/told a lie about him, the teacher just tells him to keep away from this boy. DS does, but this boy doesn't keep away from DS and it never stops. They were both made to stay in all playtimes today because this boy said if ds didn't join in playing football he would punch ds in the stomach and then he did anyway! The teacher didn't see, just heard a comotion and kept them both in. Didn't give ds a chance to tell his side of story. I don't know what to do as I am quite friendly with the mother and have never told her of this. She knows her son is no angel but is oblivious to what her son is doing to my son. My ds doesn't play with this boy after school even though he is practically next door and I have coffee sometimes with the mother. (She's a really nice, genuine, friendly woman). I constantly try to 'play it down' but now I really don't think it's fair to expect him to want to go to school knowing that no-body listens to him and nothing gets done. I saw the teacher last term and she says she does notice what happens and tells them to keep away from each other, but then this boy doesn't keep away from my ds and I don't know what to do. Half of me feels that he should 'toughen up' and the other half wants to pick him up and run away. DS wants to move schools. I feel he may have a point. I live in a nice area. This school is a good one. People move house to get their children into this school. I have two other children at the school so it would mean finding a school for all three of them! I don't want to be one of those mums always having to see the teacher but I don't know what else to do now and I feel I'm at the end of the road. Any help gratfully received.

OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
cece · 21/06/2006 17:42

Sorry to hear this:

Firstly I think you do need to see the teacher again. Explain ds is in tears etc and that you are very upset too. SO much so that he wants to leave. This is bullying and something should be done about it. Perhaps you could ask for a copy of their anti-bullying policy and/or sopeak to a more senior teacher - head of year or deputy too.

Secondly are there other quieter boys in another year 4 class. There is safetly in numbers so would be an advantage if ds had soemone to play/stick up for him/back up his story. Maybe a group of girls?

HTH

Karensara · 21/06/2006 18:01

Thank you for your advice - and so quick! The school is very small - only one class per year group. After the class teacher there is only the head-teacher to see. But you're right - it is bullying - I've never thought of it that way before. It does make things awkward as they practically live next door. Is this the best way to go about things - through the school? I don't know how I would approach the mother anyway. She's very much of the 'get on with it - that's life' brigade!

OP posts:
roisin · 21/06/2006 18:07

I would make an appointment to see the teacher and point out how upset your son is, and ask what can be done.

They may have some schemes or support they can offer your son to help him deal more effectively with his peers. Children 'like this' (sorry to generalise) can find the transfer to secondary quite difficult - so if there are strategies he can learn and practice now it will help him in a couple of years' time.

But either way this situation with the boy needs dealing with now. If your son is doing his best to avoid this lad, and he's still provoking him, then the teacher needs to step in and have a word.

grumpyfrumpy · 21/06/2006 18:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

cece · 21/06/2006 22:12

definitely deal with it through the school, as it seems mostly to be happening in the school....

let us know how it goes...

make a proper appointment for after school though so teacher has time to talk it thorugh with you

Karensara · 21/06/2006 22:31

Thanks everyone - I knew I would get some help here. Kidscape looks interesting. I will make an appointment to see the teacher. (I'm sure she'll think 'oh no, not her again!!!) I know he does need toughening up and I've managed to put secondary school to the back of my mind for now but it is looming very fast and it has to be sorted before he goes. There's no way he's going to the same school as the other boy, but I'm sure there will be someone else at secondary and I'd like him to be able to deal with these sort of people in a confident way. Will take your advice on board. Thanks mumsnetters!

OP posts:
SecurMummy · 21/06/2006 22:46

The thing is - this is bullying and it is really important for yoir son that it stops - that is obvious! However, it is also really important that it is dealt with well for both the boy doing this and the rest of the children in the class.

Most schools have a really strict anti-bullying policy because, not only is it bad for the victim but also it is really important that they bully is stopped asap and that the other children who see this also see what happens to people who choose to bully.

I am stunned that the teacher has seen things happening and yet effectivly done nothing. I would be very clear that I expect this to be dealt with properly and soon - for all of their sakes.

Oh and BTW - are you really good friends with his mum? If so do you think she may also want to see the school dealing with it well - if it is possible for the school and both of your children to see a united front then this could only be helpful?

Celia2 · 23/06/2006 11:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

shimmy21 · 23/06/2006 12:08

Yes. Go in to school NOW! TODAY! Your son is being bullied and he is desperately unhappy about it. The school has to be made to understand how unhappy your son is. For goodness sake, you are talking about moving schools - that's very serious and the school must get involved.

My ds (also 9, also a big Horowitz fan and meeting AH on Thursday!!) has been in a similar situation with a very 'exuberant' boy. I went in to school when ds came home in bruises and tears once more. The school did deal with it by making said child realise that his behaviour was unacceptable. I genuinely think up til then he had thought his behaviour was acceptable 'horseplay'. Ds much happier now.

Polgara2 · 23/06/2006 12:16

Ditto Shimmy21 - go NOW. Don't let another day pass without sorting it out. If you don't get any joy from teacher go straight to head and don't come away until you're satisfied with their plan of action. Be firm. No child should be coming home crying every day no matter what age or how quiet they are. I have what the school classed as a 'sensitive' (and I hate the way they labelled her that) dd1. She was unhappy last year and although it took a while and many discussions we sorted it out BECAUSE WE PUSHED (and because we have a fabby headmistress ).

Celia2 · 01/07/2006 18:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TooTicky · 01/07/2006 18:32

It sounds as if your ds would get on well with my dd1. Small schools do have their drawbacks as there is less of a range of personalities, so "different" children are more noticeable. Good luck!!!!!
Does your local library have a reading group for his age group? Or is there a local museum club? They are good ways to meet others who may share his interests.

WideWebWitch · 01/07/2006 19:03

Poor you and poor your ds. I think you should tackle it with the teacher first and tell her how worried you are and how stressed your ds is. Tell her it's serious and you need serious action taken, possibly with the other boy's mother involved. I don't think your son should have to 'toughen up' - the behaviour of the other boy is completely unacceptable, it's bullying. Ask to see the school's policy on bullying too. Sod being one of those mums who always has to see the teacher, you need to go and sort this out and get the school to take some action I think.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page