Disaster

[manchestermummy]

DD1 started Y1 yesterday. Loves her new teacher, happy to be getting back to learning (she's sad, like me) but seems to be having friendship problems with a very dominant little girl in her class. We had a whole year of this last year, and I naively thought that things might have improved over the summer. I don't think what this girl does is particularly bad, but DD1 doesn't like to be told what to play, how to play etc. and at 5, this suff is important. She was distraught going in, and I am currently at my desk at work trying not to cry

I had a word with her teacher this morning.

My fight or flight instinct says find another school but that's not really an answer: the local schools are all faith schools. Private isn't an option right now. I just don't know what to do.

I feel for you. My DD has problems with a manipulative story teller in her class and it's horrible as she really can't see a way of dealing with it.

FWIW mine go to a CofE school because it's within walking distance and it's not too overpowering. The faith side of it seems to be constrained to values and singing. Though I was a bit ok a lot when she came home singing "prayer is like a telephone to Jesus" I have managed to explain faith and individual choice to her quite easily.

The teacher should be keen to sort this out, and quickly. If not it can be escalated.

My DD has just started Y1 too and has a love / hate relationship with another very popular girl in the class. My DD realises the popular girl only plays with her when other friends are not around but she still prefers to play with her rather than develop closer friendships with others. But then comes home sad because the popular girl didn't want to play with her today. None of this is the biggest deal in the world but upsetting as a mum who just wants to see their child happy with kind friends :)

I think you've done exactly the right thing by talking to the teacher. She must realise the other girl is dominating your DD and perhaps other DCs. As a teacher she should have ways of ensuring that the children play together nicely and that one child doesn't dominate what they do. In your shoes I wouldn't start looking for a new school. Instead I think you have to work with the teacher to let your DD know you cannot / shouldn't try to be friends with everyone and how to rub along with those children you don't like without having to do everything they say.

The teacher should be able to sort this out pretty quickly, putting them on different tables and encouraging them both to play with different people.

Sympathies though because a personality clash can be awful.

It's horrible when DC's are upset going into school but I don't think changing schools is going to be answer. I imagine every class in every school up and down the land had a child that is, frankly, bossy. It is sad but true that we cannot protect our children from those with less pleasant personality traits, and our DC's do need to learn to deal with different types of bad behaviour positively.
I think I would find ways of trying to encourage her to be a little more assertive and how to express her opinion. I would also encourage her to develop a wider circle of friends and perhaps have a quiet word with her teacher who can keep half an eye on the situation.
Hope things improve.

Thank you both. Part of me thinks that I should leave her to sort it out herself. But a bigger part of me knows that she's only 5 and why should she. I know the girl dominates other children; in fact she wasn't invited to several parties last year (I know, I know, but again, this stuff matters when you're 5!). I've told DD several times to stay away from her and play with other friends, which she does do, but the girl just muscles in. I have driven past school myself and I have seen this with my own eyes. Lunchtime supervisors seem ineffectual.

I've told her to throw herself into her school work.

Its so hard when they go in upset

Well done for talking to the teacher.

dd2 had friendship problems in Y1 last year (dd1 never did, she would just shrug and walk away so I was unprepared!) mostly with a very competitive best friend who needed to be best at everything. dd got excluded from games, etc and we had many tearful bedtimes.

I think they do grow emotionally in Y1, and get more resilient - so I certainly wouldn't be thinking change schools at this point. Apart from anything else, she'll probably come across similar characters wherever she goes.

But I would be chatting to the teacher, inviting other girls home for playdates, building dd's confidence up in any and every way you can. I'd also try talking to your dd about why 'bossy' kids are 'bossy' - how maybe they have a problem - as it does seem to help to reframe the tricky one as less powerful than they have become, somehow.

With dd2, I also did some lighthearted role plays, getting her to be the mean one and me being dd - giving ideas as to how to set boundaries, take care of herself etc. She loved it, and it did help her feel more confident.

Finally....time will probably help. And so will what you've just done: getting some support for yourself!

You're honestly doing all the right things. Does you DD have a new teacher this year? Perhaps she'll be better at stopping the other girl taking over than the reception teacher. I think it would fine to have a chat with the teacher to see how she is planning on encouraging the children to get on and your DD to feel settled and not upset.

The remark that lunchtime supervisors seem ineffectual is annoying -

I was one for 6 years.... there were 2 of us at the start of lunchtime playtime - for 200 kids.... and 3 in the hall for the other 200... We had to deal with everything from a graze to a "nobody to play with", to someone pushing, to someone crying from homesickness, to someone thinking it is a good idea to poke their finger in a hole they can't get it out of, to a "so-and-so is all poopy and wants his mum to clean his pants", to a flooded loo or 3 kids thinking they can play indoors with the toys because their mum would not like them to play out in the sunshine...

If kids are playing you leave them to play... you walk around when not dealing with whichever crisis, but unless you have specifically been told to look out for a specific child or friendship group, or something is obviously not right, you let them get on with it...

Usually find you are told that X (lovely child) should steer clear of Y (overbearing child) - but then X actively seeks out Y to play with, only complaining to mum.....

Yes, a new teacher this year. It's a good idea to talk to her about 'bossy' children.

I keep picturing her blotchy face and feeling my eyes fill up

Sorry, I didn't mean to offend anyone re lunchtime supervisors. I don't know what the set-up is.

DD1 doens't seek the other girl out: she avoids her.

Is it okay that this little girls makes vomitting noises all over DD's lunch if she doesn't like DD's sandwich filling?

It is good that she avoids her - I would tell her it is always ok to go to the lunch staff with any problems - it helps for the kids to be "in charge" of their situation -let them know that they don't have to put up with it - (in addition to mum saying to the teacher), gives her a strategy to help cope with the bossy one..

No it is not ok to make vomiting noises, but (in our case) with 3 supervisors in the lunch hall with 200 noisy mixed age children it may actually not get noticed unless something is said...

Trouble is that when you have so many children and so few staff, stuff will not be noticed and the kids need to pro-actively search out help sometimes... People do not realise when the kids start school that they do not always eat in their class group, closely supervised with a high staff ratio... things will be noticed ..... eventually..... but often only when the child is upset... sorry.....

Oh my word, I can completely sympathise! DD went through P1 in the middle of a gaggle of lovely little girls. She used to be quite shy so I was so pleased to see her settle in so well.

She started P2 in the same way. Then all of a sudden she seemed to become best friends with a very dominant little girl. She was bossed about by her, told what to play, when to play and wasn't "allowed" to play with anyone else. This little girl was also pretty nasty and would be DD's best friend one minute and then be really mean to her the next. This went on through the whole of P2 and I never knew if I'd be collecting a child in tears or a beaming child "xx is being nice to me again!!" DD lost her whole group of old friends and only had this one girl.

Her teacher was useless and we just encouraged DD to try to play with others and not worry when the nasty girl would say, "I'm going to tell my mum on you" (like that's some threat to us! Ha!). We also got her involved in other group activities outside school and she made some good friends at these.

Roll on P3 and she was put n the same class as nasty girl again which really quite upset me as the school knew what had been happening and as they were completely mixing up the classes I would have hoped they would have taken our views into account. We kept encouraging DD to try to play with a wider group and fortunately she had a really supportive teacher that year who quickly saw what was happening and encouraged her as well.

Long story short (or not!) by the end of P3 she was back in a gaggle of lovely girls and some boys as well and had absolutely blossomed!

I would definitely talk to the teacher- they will be well used to this and hopefully hers will be willing to help. I'd also just keep drumming into your daughter that this girl is not her boss and can't tell her what to do and whilst your DD should not exclude her, she should try to hang about with a variety of children. And don't take too much to heart! DD was so upset every time nasty girl was nasty to her! We gave her endless advice on distancing herself emotionally from this girl and understanding that she's not really her friend, that some girls like to act like this because it makes them feel important (or whatever you want to say)

Hi Manchestermummy:

Ever so sorry to hear about your DDs' situation.

I'm not completely sure if you have tried this but when DD2 was facing two very pushy 'friends' in her class who insisted she always played their game their way - I gently suggested that she doesn't have to play with these girls if she doesn't enjoy it.

My DD didn't realise that she could say no and it wouldn't be rude or unfriendly. I spent a lot of time showing her all the things she could be doing in the playground and that it was perfectly o.k. to sit on a bench and read or colour during break.

At first she sat alone or played alone but gradually children who were also finding the 'rules' & these pushy girls a bit much started to drift over and join in. My DD didn't like being ordered about or being left out so I suggested that if anyone asked to play she should just say yes and have them join in.

She ended up with a group of about 15 YR to Y2 kids sheltering ladybirds and making little nests for them last year. She's now in Y4 but has a reputation in KS2 for being the one that can come up with fun things to do (like drawing on the playgorund with chalk a dinner lady has) that everyone can join in with.

Have a good look around the playground and see if you can see equipment or things that may interest your DD (hopscotch gird, climbing frame, toy box with skipping ropes, balls, etc...) and start giving her ideas on what she can do on her own, if she doesn't feel like joining in. It can be a bit lonely/ scary playing on your own but people will drift by to see what you're doing and some will join in, eventually.

HTH

A much better day today . Thank you for all your kind words; I feel we can tackle this now!