Ds can't / won't get dressed.

[Stillhopingstillhere]

Ds is just 4 and is starting school in September.
He's sociable and outgoing and probably about average academically - knows shapes, letter sounds, counts to 20 and counts 15 objects reliably. Starting to read and can CVC, doing simple sums to 15, writes his name etc. Very happy to chat to other children and makes friends pretty easily.

But where I'm quite happy with his social and academic skills I'm slightly worried about his independent ones! He's fine toilet wise but he cannot get dressed. I've tried everything but he just won't. He refuses, sits and cries, has a brief attempt, gets enraged ( I will say he is easily frustrated with most things) throws trousers across room, cries some more etc. eventually he will attempt to put his pants and trousers on but he still needs some help otherwise he puts both legs in the same hole or puts on back to front. T shirt is hopeless. He manages to put it over his head but then can't find the arm holes. It's not just a special performance for me because he knows mommy will do it, he was no better at preschool. I don't think he made quite as much fuss but he was unable to dress independently. I've tried sticker charts. I've tried getting him to help me get dressed whilst explaining how Im doing it. I've tried a soft toy with clothes. I've tried getting him dressed and explaining how Im doing it. I've tried getting cross. I've tried being encouraging. No difference.

I should say I've been trying to get him to do it since Christmas as I knew he'd be one of the youngest when going to school. He has been slightly late with most independent type skills and I've fretted and pushed and then he's just suddenly decided to do something and been fine. I wouldn't push the getting dressed so much were it not for school. I do know from bitter experience that generally the more I push the less likely he is to do it. But I haven't got time to be relaxed! He starts in three weeks!

Getting shoes on and socks is hopeless. He can get undressed ok. Generally fine and gross motor is pretty good, although he can't do buttons. Zips are fine.

What should I do? I'm more anxious about this when it comes to starting school than anything else.

They will help him as much as he needs, just explain to school you are still working on it at home so he will probably need extra help. Most the other kids will just get on with it which will encourage him to do same.

They'll be quite relieved if he can self-toilet, self-dressing is small beer by comparison.

Another voice to say don't panic - dd is 11 now so I am way past that stage but I still remember the stressed conversations with friends. They all get it in the end, at dd's school they didn't even change for PE for ages after they started, and once they did get into changing I think the older kids helped the younger (and the teacher / TA also helped).

We did used to get plaintive notes home saying 'no tights on pe days please' but at least you don't have to worry about that with a DS!

However they do all come home with the wrong clothes on, shoes on wrong feet, trousers wrong way round for some years IME

Can you engineer a play date involving dressing up, paddling pool, water fight or similar with a friend DS of a similar age?

It's amazing what DC can do if they see their friends doing it.

I've tried that star, ds just got upset and cross that he couldn't do it, said friend rubbed it in a bit too.

I will mention it to his teacher and remind that he's only just 4. Unfortunately, in some ways, he's very very tall (in age 7 clothes and was the tallest at his preschool) so I think sometimes it's easy to forget that he's actually one of the youngest in his year.

I think if he had another six months (so would be four and a half) he'd probably do it. It's just unfortunate that he's a summer born!

Don't worry about it. They will help him and encourage him. I would honestly just forget about it between now and then. By all means mention to teacher that you tried and he gets frustrated, but other than that, I'd forget about it.

Don't worry about it. While it makes a teachers life easier if they can, they will have had plenty of children who can't/won't and they will get on with it and manage just fine. They will have seen plenty of children whose parents don't care about things and will recognise the difference.

I would stop focussing on it over the rest of the summer. Then introduce a star chart, initially just for putting pants and trousers on and when he is confident and happy with those, start a chart for the next item of clothes.

My daughter refuses to wipe her bottom at home, but does it herself at preschool- occasional skid marks to prove it. I think relaxing for a while will help and he'll get there in the end.

In that case I'd just leave it. The teachers and TAs are used to helping.

I've been parent helper for swimming and I've helped with plenty of Y1/Y2 buttons not just reception ones.

I'm lucky that DD1 has a BF a year older, so she was a great role model, but was enough older not to expect DD to be as competent.

They are prepared for this at school. My stepmother is a reception teacher and there are a lot of children who can't get themselves dressed. As someone above as said , when they come out after PE you can always tell. DD is year 4 and still occasionally has her dress on inside out,

If you are determined to improve his skills, getting tough worked for mine who had similar tantrums. I picked an outdoor activity that they loved, I think with DD it was soft play . Then I laid out on the floor the easiest clothes they had to put on - soft elastic waisted trousers with dangling bits at the front, t shirt and pants with big pictures, socks the next size up. Then I informed them in a jolly voice that as soon as they were dressed we could go out. Then I ignored the tantrums, if they asked for help I went in smiling, would pick up the clothes and lay them out the right way on the floor again and leave them to it. I reminded them that they had to be dressed for their treat. DD took an hour, but once she was done I made the biggest fuss of her and took her out for her treat.

DS picked it up quicker as he competes with his sister, they are not allowed downstairs until they are dressed. First down gets first pick for breakfast food and if there is only one waffle left.....

But you really shouldn't worry yourself about it too much, he will pick it up really quickly once he is at school.

My 4 year old (4y4m when starting school) knows shapes, counts to 6 reliably, can't read, other than his name, knows a couple of letter sounds. No ideas what CVC is, so assume he cant do that! No chance on sums, makes an attempt at writing his name, but only people who see him write it know what it reads iyswim?
Happy to chat to other kids and adults.
He can dress himself.

They both have different interests, so have developed in different ways. There is no right or wrong, they are just different.

IMO, this first year at school is about learning how to behave in a school environment, and getting them more independent. Having seen the difference 15 hrs a week at preschool makes, I reckon the difference by next summer is going to be amazing.

My 7 year old still doesn't dress himself, he does have ASD though. The TA helps him out after PE etc.

Ds didn't really get himself dressed before he went to school, he'd happily go out in his pjs and just refused to dress himself. He's going into year 2 and still wouldn't choose to if he had an option.

He learnt quickly enough at school, although his first term when he had to change into PE kit he either stripped totally off (including pants) or put his PE stuff over the top of his uniform.

He usually came out with shorts/sweatshirt backwards and socks/polo shirt inside out.

Just make sure what he has is easy (Velcro shoes, elastic trousers etc.) and I'm sure he'll soon learn.

You will be amazed at how much he will come on over the next year or so - and he won't be the only one struggling with his clothes. Both of mine were the same when the started reception. DS1 is now 8, and can dress himself with no difficulty (although he does still tend to get 'distracted' half way through). Now he is going into year 1, DS2 (5) can get himself into simple clothes pretty reliably.

Interestingly, DS1 is currently being assessed for dyspraxia - mainly because of his dreadful handwriting. But the OT is interested in the fact that he found it difficult to learn to get dressed when he was younger. This probably isn't relevant to you, but you might want to keep an eye on your DS's other physical skills over the next few terms to check there isn't any underlying problem.

Just wordlessly help him. Stress won't make it any easier for him (though I know you know that - it's something I have to remind DH of, sometimes, though!) One day, he will most likely get annoyed with you for helping and will insist on doing it himself!

And seconding what poltergoose said. I do this with DS2, who is 7 and I still plonk DS1's top over his head the right way round because that prompts him to actually get dressed and not wander off and do something else (and subsequently get wound up because he can't tolerate being bare for long) and because it's easier than helping him (or even persuading him!) to turn it around when he inevitably gets it wrong!

How about working on just one item of clothing at a time. Is there any bit he can do at the moment? Pants? Vest? When he can do one confidently add in a second and so on.

just a quickie - someone further up the thread mentioned having socks a size too large. I absolutely agree with this. It really helps!