Please could someone level this piece of writing for me I am not in the UK and worried sick about children's attainment

[tiggyhop]

For various complicated reasons I am very worried about my children's attainment and schooling generally. My DS1 (going into the equivalent of Year 6 in September) has managed to write this (spelling and punctuation faithfully reproduced) in 30 mins.

The Werewolf

I am a normal man named Araz.  I am a nice, friendly man with a cat. I live in Arabia where evil dwells in its core and beasts roam the woods but none quite as terrible as the werewolf.

It was a quiet day at the magic carpet plaza around 7:30 on the full moon. I saw a clock swing open and I climbed down a passage.

It was a long passage with lots of curves but finally it sloped up and into a cave. The cave was dark and dank. I smiled wet dog. I heard a ripping howl. I saw a large figure in the gloom I felt a evil presence and the shape lunged.

You know how you tense up in a scary movie? that was nothing compared to how I felt. I ran. The thing was chasing me so I turned and punched him in the face. He flew back and I ran to the cave entrance picking up two flints as I ran. When I got out I found a piece of wood, struck the flints and made a flaming log. I pointed it at him and hurled it like a spear. It hit him in the chest and he incinerated.

After I killed the werewolf everyone treated me like a hero a big feast was held in my honer and I was happy for the rest of my life. 

The End

PS My cat didn't like the werewolf part.

All objective comments ever so gratefully received.

Bump

I'm sorry, I can't help you with levels, but I thought it was imaginative and well written, and mostly accurate in terms of spelling and punctuation. Using vocabulary such as "dank" and phrasing such as "dwells in its core" is quite mature. What specifically worries you?

It seems age appropriate to me, do 't worry!

Is this a stealth boast?

This seems very good.

Tis way better than what my DS going into Y6 can do. Far, far better.

Well, I am no expert (understatement). However, my DS has been levelled as a high 4 at an indie, after his previous state school levelled him as a 3c. I would say that the vocabulary in particular, is much, much better than DS would choose.

I think my DS would probably display wider use of punctuation, speech marks, exclamation marks, brackets etc and perhaps use 'adverbial openers' from time to time. My other immediate thought is that he might need to display a wider use of higher level connectives. Overall though, it is certainly better than DS produces as a so called 'high 4'. I am concerned about DS as he is 5B in reading and there appears to be a wide gap with his writing which I would hope would start to close. I think previously there was something like a 5 sublevel gap. I will watch this thread with interest.

I'm confused about why you're 'worried sick' about this. You must know this is really good writing for a 9/10 year old.

Excellent vocabulary, but there is a lack of punctuation: exclamation marks, speech marks etc
Also sentence openers, he has used a couple of 'time openers' but needs to use adverbials eg Suddenly I heard a ripping howl.
There are also lots of 'ands', he should be using because, so, however etc.
I wouldn't be 'worried sick' as your son has the basic structure right, a good vocabulary and immagination, he just needs to work on the more technical aspects.

To be honest I think you know this writing is fine. The vocabulary is great. He needs to work on a range of connectives, adverbials, complex sentences but other than that he is a very good writer (which you already know).

Golly guys you have no idea, no idea how much better I feel. This is no way a stealth boast at all. Back story: I was torn into by a close relative this summer about the dire state of my kids' writing abilities (I haven't reproduced the handwriting of course which is horrendous). I was told that they couldn't punctuate, had no idea about grammar and basically I had ruined their education. It really shook me up and I seriously have been really worried and have been trying, fairly inadequately, to rectify things in a very intensive way ever since.

You cannot even guess at how much better you have all made me feel by taking the time to post. I knew that there had been an improvement, I just wanted someone to look at it objectively. And yes, I have been worried sick, it's hard enough being abroad without feeling you have screwed up your kids' schooling.

Thank you so much.

I teach secondary school English. I would not be at all disheartened to see this standard in Y7! I agree some work is needed on punctuation. Perhaps discuss commas, semi colons and different complex sentence structures in anything you read together. What a great vocabulary! Please don't worry!
PS. I think you should be able to find Nationsl Curriculum levels online. Perhaps google APP writing. (It's a grid that shows what students should be able to do for each strand for each level.) But mostly relax!

Out of interest, OP, why didn't you post the actual question you had which seems to have been "a close relative made me doubt my DC's ability to write so I have been intensively trying to rectify and this is what my DC can now do...do you think this is appropriate for a DC entering year 6? Using emotive language like "worried sick" is usually more appropriate for someone whose DC is showing very obvious signs of being well below expected levels. Hence the accusations you received of stealth boast.

Yep, I feel bad now!

Sorry Alien, you put it far better than I did and please don't feel bad Thistle - I felt bad when all the posters said the writing was ok - felt like I had been making a huge fuss - first world problems and all that.

To answer you properly Alien, I didn't post the full story because I was trying not to be too lengthy and convoluted and I wanted just objective comments - note to self - I really must stop using "worried sick" - it is a horrible OTT expression, but in my defence I have been pretty miserable since the comments were made to me by a former teacher and I am pretty worried as the kids are not in a mainstream school here so I genuinely have no idea as to their levels of attainment.

Yours, slightly anxious still but definitely no longer "worried sick".

The content and vocabulary are great, you just need to work on getting him to use a range of punctuation ( google "punctuation pyramid" to see what he should be using abd aim for him to be able to use all the punctuation at the bottom of the chart by the END of yr6) and a more interesting range of connectives.

Just to add to earlier comments ...

Try getting him to start some sentences with verbs and adverbs: "-ing or -ly words".
I saw a clock swing open ... might become ^Glancing up I saw..."

Also, try varying the sentence structure, perhaps by dropping in embedded clauses.
^I saw a clock, which was an hour slow, swing open..."

Hugely helpful comments, thanks