Problems with school

[OrangeRhino]

Hi, I've just moved my 7 year old to a new school that is said to have an excellent record in helping kids with special educational needs. I moved him because I believed he did have dyslexia and I have now found through a private assessment that this is correct. The school cannot test him for a year due to budgetary restraints.

My problem is how to deal with the school. I asked for help with my son's problem and was told that the school helps every child as it sees fit and that they don't see the need to talk to me specifically about what he is doing. My son cries every single day about going to school and when he arrived they forgot basic things like giving him a peg and stuck him in with a trainee teacher who shouted at him a lot. Other parents complained about the trainee to one another but nobody approached the school directly.

i seem to have been pigeonholed as a difficult parent. I am always polite and pleasant, but when I approached the special needs teacher - who was leaving the school shortly - he told me that he found me anxious and intense because I had copied all on an email he sent to me and inadvertently emailed a club helper at another school. He also told me that i shouldn't approach the teacher after school to ask questions about my child (I had done this less than half a dozen times in a term when my son was new. Other parents do this every day) and I needed to make an appointment if I ever want to speak to the school.

I have spoken to the deputy head, who has closed ranks with the special education advisor, although it was clear she thought he didn't behave well. (One of his comments to me was 'I don't care, I'm leaving anyway'). But she has closed ranks - all the teachers have - and now rather than being a parent who has a great relationship with the school i have become stigmatised and alienated, in my view. My son is not getting the support he needs in my view - because 1) they can't really tell me what he is getting and 2) they tell me he isn't trying, when I have a report that I've given the school telling them my son has memory and concentration problems.

I am distressed because my son is unhappy and they don't seem to care. They tell me it's maybe something at home (it isn't) and that a kid has to do things he doesn't like, including going to school. they have even said that as parents we have to do some hard things sometimes. This is absolutely not fair.

I am upset because I care about teachers and the work they do and I have never been that kind of parent that tries to make their job harder. And somehow I have been labelled as that kind of parent - the pushy one that expects too much from their kid because I'm successful (which is what they have said) when all i really want is for my son to be happy. I don't care how he does academically as much as i care that he is happy.

So what now? I am approaching a new school year unable to communicate properly with the school and knowing I have been labelled as my son goes into year 4. I have another daughter who soared through the system in a different school and I have never encountered this sort of unpleasantness. The school scores an outstanding on Ofsted, and they say on their website that they value parent conversations, yet i have never spoken - or been allowed to speak - to the headteacher.

How do I best help my child? Do i accept I've been labelled and leave it at that? How do I communicate when something goes wrong (for instance my son is supposed to use an overlay for visual stress and he tells me he keeps it in his tray because he isn't allowed to use it). Do I speak to the teacher or write a letter as I have been told to do? It feels like a ridiculous situation and I am trying so hard not to overreact.

I have talked to them about feeling this way and it did no good at all. They just told me that it wasn't this way (as they hid the pile of papers in my son's file). Please help....

Sometimes a school with an outstanding OFSTED grade isn't the best school for a child with SEN.My feeling is that they have a formula that works and they stick to it but if you have a child for whom the formula doesn't work because of SEN then it becomes a battle on the part of the parent to get the school to recognise and support a child's needs.
Dd has a statement which means that I choose her school regardless of catchment or OFSTED rating. I looked at all the schools within three miles a couple have a reputation for being the best locally but I wouldn't have sent dd there because they have a tiny minority of pupils with SEN not because there aren't pupils with SEN in the vicinity but because they discourage parents from applying or are so rigid that parents give in and remove their child elsewhere.
Other OFSTED outstanding schools were relishing the prospect of having a funded TA for 20 hours a week to prop up their SATs scores rather than considering dd's needs.
In the end I chose a school in a deprived area with a very mixed catchment and a very high number of children with SEN. It was without a doubt the right school for dd even though it was rated satisfactory at the time (now rated good)
It sounds to me like you will constantly be battling with the school to try and get them to recognise your ds's needs added to that ds is unhappy so I would have no hesitation at looking for an alternative. Sometimes knowing when to give up is a strength IMO.

Probably isn't helpful, but maybe you should consider moving him to a school that can help with his needs and communicate more with parents.
So sorry you are having a tough time, i'm having simular with my sn child, senco wonderful and has agreed to get the ball rolling re statementing for autism as i requested but the teacher my dd has is uncommunicative and unresponsive, i get more response from the TAs than i do her tbh!
I'm hoping her new teacher in september has a better attitude and deminour, or i am considering a school move too which unfortunetly will cause problems as my dd doesn't take change on board very easily and is deeply set in routine etc etc but i feel the school in general brushes things off hoping i go along quietly on my way so i think a school move would make a change for the better!
Whatever you do, keep up what you are doing, you have a right as a parent to ask questions and know how your son is getting on at school.
Sometimes all schools care about are figures and statistics rather than individuals which is very wrong imo.
I wish ofsted didn't exsist, it's thanks to them schools are intent of reaching targets rather than the children as individuals

I agree with insanity . DD starts school in September, and has a statement for a physical disability. We looked at 3 schools when we were about to apply. The 'Outstanding' primary school we assumed she would go to, a 'Good' infant/junior school just round the corner and a 'Good' school which was in Special Measures 4 years ago with a poor reputation and deprived intake.

The Outstanding school very much had the attitude that she would have a TA so they had to make no adaptations for her. If she was upstairs and the fire alarm went off, their attitude was that 'she's still small, someone can carry her downstairs'!

The Good Infant/Junior were far better but was a huge school which doesn't suit DD as she gets overwhelmed by large numbers of children around her.

The one school I didn't really want, the ex-SM one with poor rep was fantastic. Talking from the start about how they could adapt the school for DD and what they would do to help her.

Guess which one she's going to!

It may be worth looking for a school with a better fit. It worries me that you haven't been able to speak to the head. That would ring warning bells for me.

Agree with the comments about outstanding schools, but if you're staying put, I'd keep it simple. Ask to meet the new teacher and go smiling and simply say my son's been crying every morning and not wanting to go to school. No teacher wants to have a miserable child in their class.

You could be v. upfront and say you know people see you as difficult, but you're really not, you're hugely supportive of teachers and just want a happy child. Do lots of smiling, say you want to support her or him, etc so be v.positive. You don't have to go into acres of detail or even mention the problems with other teachers/ the leadership team. Just ask if you can work wiht them to make your son happier. I'd do it before the end of term and ask if maybe they'll meet your son with you as a 1:1 meet might make him feel secure and look forward to the new term.

Got to be worth a go. If that doesn't work, definitely move him though. your poor DS.

Sorry, no help from here.

But I just cannot imagine what you are going through. I am lucky, because my son likes to go to school. I have never had an experience with crying or do not want to go to school. But I think if it would happen just only once, I would go into the class room with him and I would explain to the teacher that I will stay as long as they are not able to recognise my child need. And I would want an explanation from the teacher immediatelly. It is ridiculous; school should be enjoyable and happy environment for all children.

I am the type of parent who speaks to the teacher on the playground at least two or three times in a week, but because I care about him and I want to know what is happening in the school. Need to book an appointment to find out what happened in that week in the school or tell them what happened at home with him? Ridiculous. They are just teacher and not the prime minister. Also I think it is part of their job to listen to us. Do not worry that making their job harder, they chose this job. I am an accountant and if my boss or colleagues come to me to help him or her I won?t say no, otherwise I would not have job in the next week. Teaching is just a job and teachers need to do their best in their job or find some other job.
When my son was born he had a heart surgery and yes I spoke to the nurse and health visitor who have not recognised his heart failure for two weeks very very rude (we almost lost him). But I do care about my son. So do not worry about speaking a bit harder with them.

I feel so sorry for you and for your son. And I think it is shame that they are doing wrong things and you need to move your son or he won?t receive the best care.
We should have something where we can list all of these schools, so other parents are aware not to send their children there.

Rrbrigi-seriously? You speak to the teacher two or three times a week without an appointment! How many children are in the class? Your child is not the only child in the class and though to you your child is the only one that matters, to the teacher your child is one of thirty. The appointment system works so that parents who actually need to speak to the teacher urgently are able to do so and aren't held up by the other 29 parents in the playground badgering the teacher about how their child's day went! All that time wasted by unnecessary chit chat with needy parents at the end of the day is time that the teacher hasn't then got to plan engaging lessons and mark work and so provide the children with valuable feedback. Thank heavens we have an appointment system!

Did you mean to be so rude shooting

I am in shock to be honest that one parent can be so selfish.

Of course, if you need to speak to the teacher regarding progress or interventions or general worries then make an appointment. Then a conversation can take place privately and hopefully progress can be made on whatever the issue is-as a team. But to think that a teacher would have time to speak to all thirty parents two or three times a week for several minutes each is unreasonable and shows that the parent in question has no idea whatsoever about the nature of the job.
If a parent needs that level of attention then homeschooling or private would be their best option.

I am lucky to teachin a school with fab children and parents and it really does feel as if we are working as a team to help each child achieve however none of the parents of children in my class think I am available to them at the drop of a hat. If it is urgent I can give them a call between lessons, if it isn't then I can usually fit them in within a few days.

Shootingstar, you don't think you might be overreacting slightly? Presumably the teacher at RRbrigi's school doesn't mind talking to her 2 or 3 times a week or she'd have asked her to stop!

Have been in this situation myself. It is very demoralising when you have always cultivated a positive attitude towards school and education to find yourself labelled a difficult parent.

And then dd moved up to secondary, and heigh-presto, I am a lovely parent I really can't believe I changed that much in a 6 weeks summer holiday.

My hunch would be to move your ds. If you can't get the school to communicate and they are trying victim blaming and making you unsure of yourself- get away from there.

We stuck it for 4 years because we thought it would be better for dd not to get uprooted. She went to pieces when she got to her lovely secondary and felt safe to collapse. They have had to pick up the pieces ever since and -bless them!- they have worked hard.

Shooting, you don't the context of how RRbrigi's talking to the teacher. At our school we're encouraged to chat to the teachers as they come to take the kids in in the morning, or at pick up. It's a nice part of the day and works both ways as it gives the teacher a chance to quickly fill parents in on things too. If a longer chat is needed you make an appointment. For informal things though a quick chat works. Stop being so judgemental. Maybe her school's like mine, so different to yours.

at cory's personality transplant.

At our school the teachers stand in the playground until every child has left so I cant imagine it is any worse for them to be talking to a parent than just standing there especially if the parent is being positive about the way they are helping their child, may be different if the parent is complaining twice a week. There is no queue of parents wanting a turn to speak so it is not preventing anyone else doing so.

There will always be a few children that need more help. I have 2 DCs where I have not needed to speak to the teacher all year and one who was being bullied and I had a quick update with the teacher in the playground every few days. I dont consider myself selfish at all, just trying to help DS and luckily school agree. I am so grateful to them.

Shootingstar I am so happy that you are not DS's teacher. Primary school children have killed themselves over bullying, a few minutes of a teachers time to liaise with the parent every few days could possibly help to prevent this.

Even if I won't speak to the teacher, the teacher needs to stand there until all the children have gone. Also I saw her staying on the playground longer and chatting with his colleague. I think she does not mind, but even if she does not like it, I still do it. We do not get home anything to find out what happened in the school. Did they learn about adding up numbers or clock or time tables? How should I know? They never ever comment on the school bag that your child is weak in adding up, please practice at home, etc...

Shootingstar79 I am lucky that you are not the teacher of my son, but I also think you are lucky to that I am not a parent for a child in your class.

All that time wasted by unnecessary chit chat with needy parents at the end of the day is time that the teacher hasn't then got to plan engaging lessons and mark work and so provide the children with valuable feedback.

Did you mean I waste your time from a cup of tea with your colleagues or a chat with them about the newest gossips? But please be proud of yourself if you rush back to the classroom when the children left and plan your lessons and mark works without any disruption until your working time finished.

By the way my husband taught in a Secondary school.

Do you know what the teacher wrote in my son's report?

"He achieved an excellent progress this year thanks to the support he receives at home."

Keep it up rrbigi, it's our duty as parents to help all we can and be part of our childs schooling even if that means asking the teacher questions.
There are the good and the bad teachers, and some wonderful ones that actually take the time to talk to parents with concerns.

Until you are a mother of an sn child, it is hard to understand what a daily struggle it can sometimes be, maybe that is why shooting doesn't understand the importance of regular contact between parent & teacher in regards to sn children. Sometimes things concerning my child cannot simply wait a week or two for an appointment slot as that isn't appropriate enough or quick enough to deal with the subject at hand & it would ultimately lead to my dd being upset in school which is not what i want.

Yay for rrbrigi!!

Thinking about it, we hear quite a lot at our school about the school/ home partnership and how key communication is, so it's obviously policy. Makes sense to me.

Sounds really difficult Orangerhino. I don't have any experience of this and I have to say I don't know why some parents get labelled as difficult and some (who really are) don't. Is it perhaps because if the child is doing well and the parent is actually a pushy parent who demands a lot of the school, the school is willing to accommodate them because it will work out well for them in the long run whereas if they don't know how to help a child and they are actually failing, they tend to cover their backs? In both cases, parents can be demanding but in one case it's fine as far as the school's concerned and in the other it's not.

I say this because we have one of the former type of parents in DD's class - she is upstairs in the classroom with the teacher every single solitary morning before school, getting extra feedback, seeking extra homework, pushing for more for her child (who is top of the class so really doesn't need anything extra). It infuriates everyone and I think our (lovely) young teacher doesn't know how to limit her access politely and it looks churlish to say "no I've given you enough time".

On the other hand, children who do need extra support seemed to get pushed aside if the school just can't deal with the extra effort required and then it somehow becomes the parents' fault.

Alarm bells are ringing with me that you can't get to see the head. I agree with smee's approach for next term but if you can't get a good relationship going and they still seem to carve you out of the system, I would look elsewhere.