Disbelief

[podmog]

Hello. I am reeling in disbelief. My youngest in primary has had a rough old year which has required regular dialogue with his teacher- a chap. He has been very supportive and to save classroom time have emailed occasionally as I have emailed other teachers in both primary and secondary. A while ago this all stopped suddenly and we had to communicate by a book, no emails, no meetings without senior staff present and no chance of speaking to him on the phone for agreed check in at lunchtime. I asked but got wishy washy answers. I am a devout Christian and very happily married, but it transpires the powers that be (as in new head ) was convinced he and I were having an affair- we were and have never been! I feel disgusted that this accusation went only to him with no right of reply for me-so now my name is mud within the school community and I heard through someone connected with school that this assumption had been made. Because of this my son has suffered and not received the level of help and input he could have received.
Bearing in mind it is only hearsay- what can I do without seeming to get the teacher in more trouble, as they would assume it was him that had told me. I feel judged and wrongly accused of something that I would never do......ever.

Who has told you this and why have they told you? What have they got to gain from telling you this?

Could the teacher / (his partner!) have been worried you liked him and asked for these measures/boundaries to be put into place? Really no teacher should have to be phoning a parent every day, which it seems has been happening from your OP.

LEaving aside the speculation, you need to have a clear idea of what it is you actually want - for example do you want a face to face appointment with your son's teacher - if so email the head asking for one. It is then up to them to explain why you can't have this.

Also how exactly has your son suffered from lack of further contact - be clear in your mind on this in case you want to put this in writing. I would not be the one to bring up affair idea. Let them do it.

This all sounds like Chinese whispers. Go in tomorrow and talk to the Head. Tell her exactly what you have said on here and see what she says.

He was not phoning everyday at all! there were a handful of occasions where my child was so distressed he was concerned and wanted to discuss things and because of my situation- a phone call at lunchtime was the easiest.
I have not been able to have a sensible and open dialogue with his class teacher ie the one who teaches my child. The head does not know my child yet we have to discuss strategies with her- when she has no compassion or understanding of my child.

Teacher would not have been worried- we knew exactly what our relationship is- teacher/parent etc.

You need to sort out this issue- and you only have a week to do it. To in tomorrow and talk to the Head. Say you will wait until she is free.

I feel like there are things missing from this story, what strategies do you need to discuss - what extra interaction is it that your child needs? Email and ask for a face to face with the head and the teacher to discuss this help. Honestly forget the affair issue - if people are that small minded, they are not worth a second's thought.

My child suffers with depression and has issues engaging with work due to very poor confidence at school and poor experiences at school. He has had some external help-but his moods are very up and down and it helps the teacher to know what is happening- his teacher is very good and can read my child very well- but there are days when my child will not engage which can cause problems for the teacher and class-we need to be able to communicate freely to discuss strategies and work out the best way of helping him for his sake, the classes sake and the teachers sake. There is nothing missing from this story..... I have nothing to hide if that is what you are driving at.

No I'm not suggesting you are hiding anything. I just found it difficult to see if you are demanding too much from the teacher/school without the full story. I can see why you want to be able to communicate face to face, I think a diary is a good idea though as teachers do not always have time to do this. Do you think you are able to ignore the local gossip and just ask for a face to faqce meeting in writing? And if they refuse the meeting then say you want to know why?

You clearly need to have a conversation with the head teacher. This needs to be that you now understand why the teacher suddenly stopped necessary communication with you about your child because of rumours now circulating within the parent cohort that there has been an affair between you and the teacher. The apparent origin of these rumours is that further contact was banded by the head teacher because of their belief this had happened and that this has leaked out to the parent cohort.
You need to say there is no foundation what so ever to this rumour and that you now need a written assurance from the head teacher that they do not believe that any such assignation took place and that appropriate contact about your son's issues in class is perfectly acceptable.
But before you do this be very sure of your facts. It could back fire spectacularly if for some reason this was inspired by the teacher and not the head teacher or there is any smoking gun, which can be pointed at you in any way. To be honest this sounds like a mis-understanding that has got completely out of control, but the only way forward is to find out what the head teacher is saying about the rumours.

Why are you not replying to my suggestion you go and be open with the Head and have it out with her?

No no do not bring the rumour up. It may be that they have never heard of this. You will look like a madwoman.

How do you know it's the head who decided that you were having an affair?

Step back from the situation. Look at it from the outside. You know you had no intention at all. That's fine.
But maybe there was a point that you perhaps burst into tears and he was seen comforting you?
Do you perhaps "gush" a little in your emails which could be misinterpretted? "Oh you're so wonderful, I'm so glad my dc has you. Looking forward to seeing you..." Even a "xx" on the end (which some people do standardly) could be looked sideways on to someone already suspicious.
Maybe he felt that you were getting emotionally attached to him. Maybe he felt he was getting emotionally attached to you.
Maybe a fellow parent heard that you were talking regularly and started rumours.
Maybe a/your child said something that's been misinterpretted. "My mum said she thinks you're brilliant, just like my dad..." them meaning their dad was brilliant. He takes it to mean you are thinking of him as replacing their dad.

What they did was step in to protect the teacher, you and your dc. If there were rumours, or a suspicion, then they are right to do this and make sure you and the teacher cannot be put under suspicion, it could ruin his career, your marriage and cause a lot of upset people, just from a rumour that won't go away.

I'm not sure how you deal with it though. If you rush into the head's office denying it, then either he won't know about it-in which case you'll look a bit crazy, or he does, in which case your denial will look as bit of "my thinks he doth protest too much".
If you demand to talk to the teacher alone, then it could look like you are emotionally involved and proof of the affair. If you ignore it, you feel your dc is being compromised.

I think your best thing to do is to leave it for the rest of the year and hope you get a woman next year . Seriously go in at the start of the year and ask if you can discuss communication and how best to support your dc that year.